What I'm into, November 2013 edition

November, what a month! My baby girl is ONE. One, people. She has brought our family so much joy. What a treasure.

Here's what I'm into this month, all categorised for those of you who are even remotely interested in how I spend my time:

Books

• The Harry Potter Series, again. I am such a Potter nut. I love it. Whenever I just want to enjoy reading for the sake of reading, I end up back here. This latest bought started when I picked up the Chamber Of Secrets at a secondhand shop. Then I got Order of the Phoenix at the library book sale. And on it goes.  Don't knock it till you've tried it.
• Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver. I got this one out of the library upon the recommendation of Jen Hatmaker in Seven, and Shauna Niequist in Bread and Wine. It is great, but I was overly optimistic that I could get through a book like this. I will be getting it out to finish when on summer holiday next month.
• Interupted by Jen Hatmaker. Enjoying, not yet finished. 
• Reading Bread and Wine again on Kindle (By Shauna Niequist). I read this one in the flesh (Paper?!) when I bought it for a friend in April, so I am reading it now in a weird order, finding the bits I liked and the recipes I wanted to try. Roasted broccolli OH MY how you have changed my life. 
• I started and finished Nice girls don't change the world by Lynne Hybels in the space of about a half hour. It's a small book, it's a life-changing book. I was leant it years ago by people who said "This reminds me of you". I felt exhausted at the thought of it. I thought the book would be telling me to stop being nice and start being domineering and bossy and forthright and to go out there and do Important Things. Turns out, most of the book is spent talking about being less busy doing all the things you think a "Nice" christian woman should do. I should have read this years ago. (There's that should word). If I had taken the messages to heart I could have saved myself a lot of stress. Anyway. I'm glad I read it and I will read it again and copy out passages. 
• I started, optimisticly, A Generous Orthodoxy by Brian McLaren. I'm reading this one as it's one Sarah Bessey recommends. Sounds good so far and I'm hoping I can stick with it.

Movies & TV

Images via Caitlyn Murphy on Pinterest

• Doctor Who - finally got my next disc - we are at the start of season 3. Poor Doctor, without Rose. *Sob* And can we STOP for a moment and talk about the 50th anniversary special?!?!? Seriously, on a superficial level - I want Rose's hair. On a non-superficial level, how dare my children all decide to cry and not sleep on this most auspicious night. I watched this in spurts - missed the start, watched the bits with the machine that goes DING, missed some more, caught Rose in the shed, missed the stuff with the bomb, saw the end. Then watched it through from the beginning recorded. There just aren't any words for how much I loved it. LOVED it.

• New Girl on DVD, sometimes I love it and feel so happy when I watch it, sometimes I just feel like I want it to end. At the moment I'm in the just-want-it-to-end state. In fact, I returned my last DVD without finishing it because I was so Meh. Some other time I'll be in the right space for it. 
• Les Miserables. Another finally moment, I missed this at the movies because of a new baby. I just adored it. I listened to the cassette tape as a child and teenager over and over religiously. I had never see the stage show. So it was amazing to see the songs and the storyline come to life in such a beautiful and heart-wrenching fashion. 
• I would also like to make an unashamed kids+TV plug for Tiki Tour, on every morning at 6.30am. They are currently touring our country, which is so cool, as I am learning all sorts of fascinating things about small towns in the south island! I'm very keen on visiting Oamuru now. Steampunk capital of New Zealand. 

Magazines and publications

• If you have someone in your family or a friend who is into IT or web design, apps and suchlike - I highly recommend Offfscreen magazine. They ship around the world and it is a beautiful publication. Incredibly inspiring and interesting for those who are all technical-like. (Not me, clearly, but my husband).
• Sweet Paul magazine. I adore this magazine. Cooking and crafting and beautiful things. It is really easy to read online and even prints out beautifully. The best thing is the current Christmas Kids issue, available as an iPad version or as a PDF. So many amazing things. SO MANY. Get it! Print it out! You'll treasure it forever. (And for anyone obsessed with miniature things, like myself, check out the adorable feature below). 
  
• Flow magazine and 101 Woonideeen from the Netherlands. My lucky lucky in-laws have been overseas trotting around Europe. They are forgiven for having such a good time because they send me magazines I ask them to find. Flow magazine has an International version too, in English, but they sent me the Dutch version, which I love. (I already have the international versions). And 101 Woonideeen is the most brilliant interiors magazine. I just love the Dutch and Scandinavian style. So many cool ideas. Again, not in English, but google translate to the rescue if you ever want to know what the words say. The pictures more than make up for it. 
  
  
  

Crafting & Making

• New category to share the creative things I've been into each month. Excited much! I've been making ornaments from Mollie Makes magazine - the year before last's Christmas edition! They're cute. I want to design and make my own one year so thought trying out other peoples patterns would be a good way to learn.
• I made these car seat pillows for my kids when we went on a road trip recently. They were good but Mister 3 was grumpy, pillow or no pillow. They took a lot of time and the pattern, which I was a good honest person and paid for from etsy, just wasn't as easy to find as I'd hope for $8 US. It needed photos and clearer steps. But I'm glad I tried it.
• I've started the Modern Patchwork Ecourse from Rachel at Smile and Wave. I made the Stars in your Eyes pillow. I mucked up piecing it together which is annoying - got one bit upside down. But it still looks ok and as it's just for my home I'm living with it. I figure that the first time I do something, I'm learning, so mistakes are okay. 
• Trying to finish off a cross stitch from Wee Little Stitches on Etsy. They are great, easy to follow, simple - but it just all takes time. I've been working on this one since March. I've just not sat down and put serious hours into it like it needs. Aiming to get it done by Christmas but would like it done before so I can choose some more for gifts. 

General Life Loveliness

 We have had some lovely times this spring, holidays with friends, a walk around the lake in baby season, and unexpected trips back up to our hometown. Meet Lola the lamb. I know. So precious.
My wee vegetable garden is thriving due to the act of planting Borage in it. Word to the wise - this plant grows, man. It's more than a metre tall and wide. But it's done great things for the rest of the plot. Does anyone need any silverbeet, by the way?

So enough from me, what are you into this month? I'm linking up with Leigh and the lovely people who know her. Check out everyone elses posts by clicking the button - you're sure to find some Christmas gift ideas!

xx Sarah

(I can't get the button to work, but link up with Leigh here)

What I'm Into Link Up Guidelines: - See more at: http://www.leighkramer.com/#sthash.4jIie8L2.dpuf

What's on my bookshelf

This is a purely indulgent post, about books. Again.
The very lovely Modern Mrs Darcy is hosting a link-up where people show what's on their bookshelves. Are you the sort of person who goes to a person's home and immediately (trying to be not quite as obvious as you obviously are) checks out their books? You can tell a lot about people by the sorts of things they have on display.

Our bookshelf situation is a source of despair for us. Our dream is to have floor to ceiling in-built shelving made from solid timber. Instead we have 2 tall, skinny, particle-board shelves in our lounge which hold our favourite books, and about a hundred or two hundred or a thousand books in boxes. One day, one day, we will get them all out.

Here's the top shelves of the two skinny units. For lack of a better place to put them, we have a John Bevere teaching series on the top left that we had high and lofty intentions of watching together, as a couple. *cough*. Moving on. 

A fair few un-read but want-to-read books on that shelf - including Life Interupted, Velvet Elvis, The Practice of Love (have read Idelettes entry and a few others) and an inherited biography of Tolkein that used to be my Poppa's. Below are some loved and well-read favourites including the Wrinkle in Time box-set by Madeleine L'engle, some light but fast-paced reading of hubby's, and the Clarice Bean books for intermediate readers by Lauren Child, my most favourite children's picture book author. 

On the other side we have New Zealand books and music/arts biography's on the top shelf, books that my husband LOVES. If you have a musician in your life then I recommend the Duff McKagan book "It's so easy... and other lies". This was really enjoyed and a powerful sort of redemptive story too. Then Terry Pratchett - his favourite. Snuck in a couple of my Madeleine L'engle books there too. 

Next down we have my mostly Christian fiction shelf (with Harry Potter leaning rebelliously on top - ha!). I love the Heirs of Cahira O'Connor series by Angela Elwell Hunt. They are brilliant. Most of her books are on this shelf - I discovered her through a book club a few years ago where we read The Silver Sword. I wasn't sure from the description that I'd be interested, but it ended up being one of my most favourite books ever. I'm thankful to my friend for choosing it! 

The book "Staying alive" is a beautiful collection of poetry gifted to me by my grandmother. I have a couple of Joyce Meyer books on these shelves but haven't been able to get into either of them. I like her teaching to a certain extent but I find her writing style difficult. Just personal preference I think.

Below is a hodge-podge of non-fiction gardening, pregnancy and arts books along with Barry Crump of my husbands.

Christian books on the right - Philip Yancey, well-read and appreciated. One Thousand Gifts, Grace-based Parenting (still reading), Boundaries (need to read), Lioness Arising (struggling to get into), and below that are Christian memoir/biographys: Bonhoeffer - my husband enjoyed this so much he was considering the name Dietrich for our next baby! Anne Lamott: Travelling Mercies, oh my heart. Then my precious Madeleine L'engle books. She is my most-loved author, for the longest time, since my mother gave me "A ring of endless light" as a pre-teenager. The Crosswicks journals are there, along with "A stone for a pillow", "Bright evening star", "Penguins and golden calves", and the ultimate life-changer "Walking on Water". There's Adrian Plass there too who we both utterly adore.

 Bottom shelves are a bit of a mess. More favourite Terry Pratchett's, and the Narnia Series. On the other side, Lord of the Rings and the beefy dictionary (I think this may have been my Poppa's also).

Bottom shelves are art and interesting coffee table books. Some favourite artists are in there: Da Vinci, Dali - plus a few of my interior and architecture books from my studies. I used to love Tricia Guild, I still do. Her use of colour and pattern is inspiring and her books are beautiful. Archeology and rock music books for my husband. Fairy tales and Calvin & Hobbes for fun. 

Thanks for snooping my shelves! Maybe I'll do a follow up when we have the floor to ceiling ones. Probably when I'm 80. Sigh.

I hope you're all having a marvellous week. My baby girl turns one on Thursday, so my life is flashing before my eyes. Where does the time go?

xx Sarah

Linking up with Modern Mrs Darcy today - check out her site and some other bookshelves too!

What I'm into (July 2013 Edition)

July has been a weird month, full of lots of uncomfortable revelations about myself! But hey, that's a good thing I think. It is good to learn, to grow.
I enjoy sharing about books and other things that I love so thought I'd link up with Leigh's "What I'm into" quickly this month.

Books I finished

"Happier at Home" by Gretchen Rubin: I just finished this one a few days ago. I have got back into using the library as a way of attempting to limit my over-indulgent and unrealistic book-buying habit. So I had this one out twice as I didn't quite get through it the first time. I did enjoy it but probably not as much as her first, "The Happiness Project". It's definitely worth reading the first one and if you liked it, you'd want to read this one too.

"Grace for the Good Girl - letting go of the Try-hard life" by Emily P Freeman. This was amaaaaazzzzzing. It was sort of like she wrote it just for me. (She didn't, but I can pretend). So many revelations. So much wisdom. So much that has challenged and convicted me about my behaviour, and so much that has set me free. She has articulated things that I knew somewhere inside me but that hadn't cemented in my heart. If you grew up in a good Christian home, if you struggle with expectations and pressure, if you have anxiety and worry in your life, if you feel like you have to do-and-be-it-all, then I highly recommend this book.

Books I'm currently reading

"A french affair" and "Summer of Love" by Katie Fforde. She is my favourite chick-lit author. It's light, funny, romantic and easy to read. Both of these are library picks too. Escapism at it's best!

"Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" by Susan Cain. I've been interested in reading this one for a while and I hope I can get through it before I need to return it. My stamina with non-fiction isn't particularly high. It is a good read and a fascinating subject. My beautiful 5 year old daughter is an introvert, and my hubs and I sway right on the line between introvert and extrovert and probably lean more towards introversion. I've gotten right into the whole Myers Briggs personality stuff recently and am looking forward to seeing what this book has to say.

"The Story of God, the Story of Us" by Sean Gladding. I bought this one a couple of years ago and am still really keen on reading it. I struggle with regular scripture reading, and I'm hoping this could help bring the bible back to life for me. It is the story of the bible, told chronilogically, from the point of view of the people who were there, living it. Well written and profound but requires concentration. 

On my TV

Doctor Who! Of course. I watched all of the most recent season (I loooovvveee Clara) and started from the beginning last year too. We just hit the end of season 2 and I cried, cried, CRIED during "Doomsday". Sob. Hanging out now for the 50th anniversary special, and then more tears during this years Christmas special when we say goodbye to the 11th Doctor. SOB again.

The Delicious Miss Dahl. This is a cooking show by Brit and ex-supermodel Sophie Dahl. I rented it out and it is beautiful, just beautiful. Hopefully we'll get it on TV here one day. I definitely recommend this along with her cooking books too. I made her Toffee Apple Crumble recently and yes, it is as good as it sounds.

The Great British Sewing Bee. A school mum recommended this one and I watched some episodes on YouTube. It's great. British programs have such normal people in them! Wonderful. This is a refreshing departure from Project Runway. If you like watching people sew and construct garments, but don't like the cattiness and all that, then check this one out.

The Big Bang Theory. Hubby and I love this one. We own series 1-5 and it's great watching them in order to figure out how things actually happened. I think TVNZ kept mucking up things for a while there, in any case we could never work out if something was a repeat or new. And Penny said "I LOVE YOU" to Leonard last night!!! Eek!!!

Music

Jill Phillips had some albums up on NoiseTrade last month and I got "In this Hour". I love "Nobody's got it all Together" and it was great to hear another of hers. The title track is poignant for my season of life "You can try, but happiness is found, right here in this house, in this room, in this hour".

Also loving Sons of Korah. My husband got given this for his birthday last year and it is beautiful, haunting, peaceful.

Film

I can't say that we ever watch many movies but we have seen a couple lately - Captain America, which was good fun and great to see a real excellent moral protagonist. Highly recommended for pre-teen/teenage boys actually. And Sound City, which is a project by Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters and Nirvana. A great music film and worth watching even if you're not a rock music nut like my husband, I still really enjoyed it and there were so many incredibly profound musical moments.

Internet

I've been on a bit of a money/budgeting buzz this last month, and have enjoyed reading through the archives of And Then We Saved. Anna makes being frugal sound more fun than it is. Ha.

I just adore the Red Velvet girls and their blogs - A Beautiful Mess, Skunkboy Blog, and Smile & Wave.

Megan from SortaCrunchy blogged for 7 days in a row last week - no small feat with twin 6 month old boys! I loved reading so much from her, she is one of my faves.

And I love anything from Tina Francis - this one and this one were great treats.

Coming out of a couple of months of injuries and sickness, I'm hoping that August holds less stress and more fun times for our family. I tend to bunker down in August and start furiously indulging in retail therapy since we are stuck inside so much. But we have been having some lovely warm days for winter, my daughter has a new bike, so who knows - we may even go walking some days. I've been enjoying doing some painting and sewing too.

What about you? Anyone discovered anything exciting in July?

xx Sarah

Reading, reading, and some more reading.

Earlier this year I blogged about wanting to read all the books I bought over the last few years and have just sat around... a giant pile. So far I've read one - yes one - from that pile (applause, anyone?), but I've read 2 other non-related books, if that counts for anything?

Anyway, they were great, so here's my thoughts.

From the pile I started with "Loving our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk. This one had come recommended from Sarah Bessey's list of books that influenced her parenting, and it's a good'un. I'm a bit useless with self-help, non-fiction, fix-it type books - but this one was easy to read, relevant, and not nauseating and annoying (James Dobson, I'm looking at you...). I've taken many tidbits away from this book and applied them to my life, and there are others which I'm still going to work on. Silk's approach is non-traditional and therefore immediately appealing to me, non-conformist that I am (a friend recently called me this after spending four days with me - I wasn't aware this is what I am! Hilarious). He turns us away from a punishment-based system of parenting, towards a system of choices and consequences. What is your main goal in parenting? That your kid does exactly what you say, all the days of his life? Or that your kid is able, one day, to step into the big wide world, full of choices and possibilities and temptations, and choose wisely. We model to our kids what God is like. Is God up in heaven with a big stick, waiting to smack us with it each time we step out of line? No. Yet isn't it amazing how many of us grow up thinking that, even into adulthood.
The idea of a 2 choice system has already worked really well with my rough-and-tumble toddler. Mister 2 year old will lose.the.plot. very quickly when he puts his mind to it. Goes straight from asking once for something, to shrieking the house down. The 2 choice system has helped a lot. For example, when he is leaning so far into the baby capsule that he is probably going to suffocate his sister, I can give him 2 choices - "Buddy? Want to put your shoes on, or watch tv?" for example. Thus getting him away from the poor baby without having to physically drag him. I didn't believe it until I tried it - but Danny Silk talks about taking the struggle from a toddlers body to his brain. So when they're fighting you on something, give them 2 choices, then they have to think - often distracting them from the initial issue. It works brilliantly for us. The ones we use the most are "Hold hands or stay home", when heading out the front door (we live on a main street and he would throw a fit about holding hands when we walk out the door - but it's a non-negotiable for me). Also at dinner time when he doesn't want to eat - "In the bath straight away, or finish your beans?" This has often meant he'll eat his dinner. Big triumph. The book also stresses how important it is to say things in a neutral way, "Happy voices!" as we say in our house. Early on he makes the excellent point that no one controls us - not our kids, not our spouse, not even God in fact - the only one who controls us is us. Therefore the greatest thing and the best tool you can bring to your parenting is self-control.
Not challenging at all, right? Ha. An empowering book but I'm not saying it's easy to live like this! Choices, choices, every day for parents and kids.

 Next up is "Is it just me?" by Miranda Hart. Of "Miranda" tv fame - anyone? Who else is a fan? Such fun!
I requested this one from the library because I wanted a laugh, and it is a laugh. The book is a series of observations on the awkwardness of life, presented as a conversation between herself as a 38 year old and her 18 year old younger self. She takes 18 categories and writes a manual for life - a "Miran-ual", if you will - full of lots of laugh-out-loud moments. In the end however I took from this book much more than a few giggles. Strung throughout the book is the theme of accepting yourself, loving who you are, and being true to you - rather than pretending to be someone else, or be interested in things you're just not into. I can't say how much I admire Miranda for the choices she's made, all the while not sacrificing the things which make her, well, her. I won't spoil the ending, but basically through the whole book her 18 year old self has no idea who she has become, as a 38 year old - and spends the majority of the time mortified at how little of a life she apparently has in the future. The final chapter, on Dreams, is amazing. The final 2 pages are spectacular. I always thought Miranda was funny, but now - I utterly adore her, and she is my hero. I thank you. (< Miranda reference!)

Shortly before I went on holiday I was doing a bit of soul searching, and thinking I wanted reading material to take with me, but nothing disturbing, depressing, or involving child abuse, abduction, bad language, sex scenes, complicated interpersonal relationships - the things most grown-up fiction seems loaded with. So I went back to my love of childrens classic literature. I have a pile I'd intended to read, but I began with an author unfamiliar to me that I came across in this brilliant post - "10 books you must read to your daughter - or How to Keep Your Daughter from Ending up like that Horrid Girl in Twilight". There were a few on her list that I hadn't read, but in the comments I came across Lloyd Alexander as a suggestion so his name had been in the back of my mind. I got out "The Fantastical Adventures of the Invisible Boy" from the library, purely because it was the only one of his there. I loved it. His writing is wonderful, and the story was fascinating - of a young boy who is kept home sick, and feels "invisible" due to the fact that people look through him and don't see him, so he spends his time drawing pictures and inventing exciting stories in his head. He gets a tutor, an older family relative called Aunt Annie who he nicknames the "Gorgon" or "Gawgon" - and they develop an unlikely friendship in real life and in his stories. My favourite passage is this: "Exactly when, I could not be sure, but it was during one of those summer afternoons that The Gawgon captured my total devotion and allegiance. Because she saw me for whatever I was. No longer the Amazing Invisible Boy, with her I had nothing to hide. She made me feel my mind was free to do as it pleased. A mystery of the heart? I could not solve it, nor did I care to. In any case, I came to imagine her as a mistress of time and space, expert in all disguises, who went wherever she chose, did whatever she chose, knew all that was to be known. To me, she was capable of everything and anything." 
I can't wait to read The Chronicles of Prydain next.

Lastly is one I'm still midway through, but am thoroughly enjoying, and it's influencing a lot of my decisions - "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. Given to me by a dear friend for my birthday, it's a fascinating exploration on what really makes us happy. For one year, the author set about making herself happier - and she didn't class herself unhappy to begin with, she just wanted to be really happy. Through a series of life rules, commandments, and subjects, she explores in a funny and extremely thoroughly researched manner the subject of happiness, and how to be more happy, within the context of being yourself. It's fab. It's given me permission to do things you enjoy, just because they make you happy. That it's not indulgent to be happy. Why do we not let ourselves do things, "Just for fun"? We are a bunch of bores sometimes! It was reading the first chapter of the book that led me to spend 10 days away on holiday, potentially spending most of that alone - not something I'd have normally been able to do. But I realised that something that made me infinitely happy was quiet... and that hearing almost no cars go past for 10 days is my definition of bliss. Why on earth would I pass that up? It was a brilliant choice and I have this book to thank! Next up is the sequel she's written, "Happier at home". Sure to be very relevant to me as a stay-at-home mum.

Other things I'm really enjoying are the magazine The Simple Things, the Nester's blog "Nesting Place" and her sister's blog "Chatting at the Sky". And I am also reading on my kindle app on my iPhone, Rachel Held Evans' book "A year of Biblical Womanhood".

Oh, and would you guess why it is that I'm finally reading books again? I stopped using Facebook. I no longer read the news feed. I no longer check my notifications. I no longer know anything about anyone. Occasionally I log on to RSVP to an event, or post a photo. But I feel so free. Sooooooo free. Can't begin to describe it. I highly recommend this as a social experiment of sorts, especially if you're prone to anxiety or taking on a lot of stress from other people's stuff. This article helped me make my mind up. I have to make more effort with texting and calling certain friends now, since I don't see what they do online. But for me that is okay. I have more space in my head now, and more time in real life.

Anyone else have any exciting book recommendations, or things that are making them happy?

xx Sarah

Read those books!

 As it is January, I am in my usual annual Goal-Making zone. This usually fizzles out by mid February. So I had better make the most of it now!

I have a few things that I am going to write about in the weeks to come, but thought I'd start with sharing about this. I am a chronic book buyer. I like to think I'm a chronic book reader, but alas, that has not been the case for a while. I even have "book devourer" on my Pinterest bio! A bit of false marketing there I feel...

This year I'd like to put that right. I want to read all the books that I bought last year and the year before (some of them may pre-date that, but not many), and not buy more. At least until I'm most of the way through the list. Or unless it's something really amazing... Anyway.

Here's the list. After I finish each book I'm going to share here what I thought about it - a review of sorts. I must stress that the reason these books are unread, or only halfway read, is not because they are bad books, but because I am slack. And addicted to buying books. I'll note beside each book whether they are unread or half finished.

Interrupted: Jen Hatmaker. Unread, but leant out to others who said it was great.
Slightly Bad Girls of the Bible: Liz Curtis Higgs. Am a few chapters in.
Grace Based Parenting: Tim Kimmell. Unread, bought most recently.
How to be Pentecostal without speaking in Tongues: Tony Campolo. Unread.
Lioness Arising: Lisa Bevere. Half finished.
Boundaries: Cloud & Townsend. A few chapters in.
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made: Philip Yancey and Paul Brand. Unread.
Spirit-led Parenting: Tietz & Oyer. This was bought for someone else, I sneakily read about half of it before giving it to her - she has leant it back to me to read.
The Story of God, the Story of Us: Sean Gladding. Unread.
Velvet Elvis: Rob Bell. Unread.
The Practice of Love: various writers. Half finished.
Life Interrupted: Priscilla Shirer. Unread.
Loving our Kids on Purpose: Danny Silk. Currently reading.
Joyce Meyer: Battlefield of the Mind. Unread.
You are not what you weigh: Lisa Bevere. A few chapters in.

So there we go, slightly embarrassing but oh well.

I've started with Danny Silk's "Loving our Kids on Purpose", and it's fantastic. I got that one and the Tim Kimmell book on Sarah Bessey's recommendation, from her list of "Books that influenced her parenting". It's so good to have books recommended to you by someone you respect so much.

In line with this post and the previous one, I'm changing the tone of this blog a bit from now on. It has tended to be somewhere to go when I want to write a big long preacher-like rant, and I've felt a bit boxed in by that. So from now on I'm going to try to write about books, life stuff, and interior design - following along with our home renovations. In time I might feel like I have to split the blog into two, but I'd have to be writing a whole lot to get to that I think. I like sharing and writing, but struggle with how much or how little to share. So I'll just figure that out as I go. 

Has anyone else got some book recommendations, or unfinished books waiting to be read that they would ike to share?

xx Sarah

Thoughts on this day, Mothers day

Today it's Mother's day, and I thought I'd write a wee something, in the honour of trying to write shorter posts more often :)
A rough start today, with hubby out insane-early to church and me having my first ever Sunday on Kids this morning (what an eye-opener), with lots of things to remember to bring and organise. Add to that a small boy who decided it was fun to use his snuggly lamb toy as a whip on his sister, and said sister walloping him back - all while I was trying to type out PowerPoint song lyrics on the kids computer - and I was exhausted before I even arrived!
But after church and after a meltdown my husband gave me this:

Oh yes. Not just 4 pieces either, which still would have been great, but heaps of pieces. And no, I'm not sharing. Well, I will share it with him since he paid for it but not with anyone else!  (And he didn't go out and buy it after I had a meltdown, he'd already got it. Plus a hand-made card from my kids. Organised husband, I salute you.)

Mothers day isn't a nice day for everybody. I think of friends who lost their mums well before they should have. I think of relationship breakdowns. I think of the kids today in church who didn't come with a mum, either because she's not around or she isn't the one bringing them to church. I loved Lisa-Jo's post "For the Motherless daughter", she says anything far better than I can and she gets it. I don't think you'd ever understand what it was like to not have a mother unless you didn't have one.

Some memories of my mum from my childhood are around various creative activities, though she probably wouldn't call herself overly creative in an arty sense. I'm grateful she nurtured that in us. School holidays surrounded by Lego villages. One set of holidays where I was obsessed with making clowns - ping pong ball heads, fabric bodies, funny colours. Her teaching me cross stitch, and how to use the sewing machine. As a child, watching her (probably nagging her, more likely), as she sewed us our tracksuits - very trendy in the 80's I have to say - and then getting to go to the shopping mall with her and choose a print from the fancy place where they put a picture on the front of your sweatshirt. The one I remember most was a Persian cat, hideous pastel coloured flowery thing that I adored. Pale pink tracksuit. White blonde bob haircut... you get the picture.

Mum introduced me to my favourite author, Madeleine L'engle. She managed to navigate choosing books for me in my pre-teen years which I just loved, which could have gone very wrong. The Little house series, Anne of Green Gables, Frank Peretti's Cooper Kids adventure books. My most favourite book was the first one she bought me of Madeleine L'engles, called "A ring of endless light". Actually the third book in a series about Vicky Austin and her family. Vicky is the middle child, a poet, misunderstood and hiding in the shadow of her blonde, outgoing younger sister. She explores identity and death and doesn't shy away from issues that sometimes people wouldn't want to discuss with kids that age. As I went into my teens my Grandmother became the one who introduced authors to me. Kate Atkinson's "Behind the scenes at the museum" was the beginning. I loved Carol Sheilds, another introduction from her. A doorway into a new world, grown-up and beautifully written. I haven't had the concentration to stick at books like those for years now, but on my Grandma's 87th birthday this year I bought her "Walking on Water" by Madeleine L'engle, and it is special to be able to reciprocate those moments of book-sharing, and of not knowing you loved something until it landed in your hands and you turned the pages. My Grandma also reads every Jane Austen book, every year, and I haven't done that in years but would love to follow her example once life allows for sitting with a book with long paragraphs and older language again. At the moment life allows for re-reading of extremely easy books, in between breaking up squabbles between small children.

Happy Mothers day, everyone. Whether you are one, or have one, or you don't, I hope you enjoy celebrating today those around you who bring life into the world - for that is indeed the most significant thing about a mother, and something that's gifted not only those of us who have gone through labour and childbirth. Women have in them the inherent characteristics of the creator, and he granted us that gift, the gift of giving life, of creation, of bringing life into the world. We can do this with our words, our friendships, our personality's, and our homes. May you all feel blessed and noticed today, beautiful life-giving women.

Sarah xx

Death, fear, and the promised land

Source: inspirationfeed.com via Sarah on PInterest

I have spent the last month away on "holiday" (in inverted comma's because, really, can you holiday with 2 pre-schoolers?) in Auckland and Northland. I have spent a portion of it fighting off the usual bouts of depressing mental scenarios of death and the subsequent consequences on my family and friends. If this sounds a bit morbid and mildly insane, I justify it by saying that 8 years ago I lost a very dear friend far too young on the Northland roads. She was almost 19, I was 22. My closest friend's younger sister. Her death dealt a blow to my faith and my life which I have never recovered from -and I hope I never do, because her death taught me so much and was the event which propelled me into this crazy journey from fear, anger, and doubt to discovery and a journey towards becoming more fully who God has always intended me to be. It's however an odd and unsettling thing that driving those roads, I can't help but think things that I usually manage to keep at bay.

To give a bit of background, for the 3 years after Erin's death I became, I'm not sure obsessed is the right word, but certainly overwhelmed by fear and thoughts of death. It was a horrible time (and weirdly, a wonderful time, as that year was the year my future husband and I were courting, to use an old-fashioned word, and he was a rock for me). 3 weeks after Erin died, another good friend lost a younger sister to a brain tumor - she was 15. That year we lost at least 2 family members. When you have to deal with so much grief in such a short space of time it feels like your heart has been through one of those old fashioned wringer washing machines. I got sick, my body sort of shut down on me, and I couldn't climb out of the blackness in my heart. I was filled with the "why?" and the "how could you let this happen?" and "but you promised you would look after us?", "you promised that you would answer our prayers?", and the clincher "People who love God are meant to have things work out for them!" It was most certainly not meant to be like it was. Death, despair, depression. Around every corner. 

Cutting a long story short (the journey of it all may be for another time), I got through those days. Years. It has been amazing, in the end. I'm astounded by my God and his redeeming power (hence my blog title). 

So this most recent summer holiday, I was going through some depressing scenarios in my head involving funerals and what-if's. There was a horrific news item just the week earlier about a young girl being attacked in a camping ground, and that wasn't helping my state of mind at all. However instead of blaming God and fighting him, as I once would have, I pressed in and tried to seek him through the stuff going on inside me. I also read a couple of awesome books which were just right for me. One was "The Shack" which people either love or totally hate, that's fine. It was what I needed and touched me, so I will leave it at that - read it and make your own assumptions! But I will talk about the other book, "One in a million" by Priscilla Shirer who is an American preacher/teacher from Texas. 

The premise of the book is a very detailed break-down of the book of Exodus, from the Israelites journey from slavery in Egypt to the wandering in the wilderness and then the promised land. From 2 million people, only 2 made it from Egypt to see the promised land. The book is about that - how to be the "One in a million". The ones who get to see the promised land and don't just die out in the wilderness. 

It was an incredible read. Often it's not that bad in the wilderness. Just sort of average, fine, sometimes quite good actually. In her words: "Too many believers... get settled and content on the outer fringes of abundant life, feeling as thought they've got all of God they really want or need. They're pretty much OK with the way things are, not really believing or even desiring more than what just comes from showing up dressed every morning. In fact, if they were being perfectly honest, they think that people who do venture out boldly with God are taking this faith things a little too far, to the point of being foolish. They'd be a bit embarrassed, frankly, to carry on like that." 

Source: http://needasweetdistraction.tumblr.com/ via Sarah at PInterest

For myself, so much of the book rang true. Because I so deeply long to go past the average and the usual with my life as a follower of Christ. I don't want to just live year after year going to church on Sunday, feeling guilty about not reading my bible or praying, being a good neighbour, trying not to swear or commit any other obvious "sin" all the while committing plenty of not-so-obvious ones. I don't say this stuff to stand in judgement on anyone else. I just feel like there is more and we're missing it.  The book didn't hold back in it's blunt assessment of why we get stuck in the same old place for so many years. I learnt so much and here's my main one: Life isn't perfect in the promised land.

So often we have a grass-is-greener mentality on our lives. So many dangerous and pointless words we preach to ourselves: "if only...", "once I have done...", "if I just had that..." then my life would be better. Then I'd feel better. Then I'd get myself sorted out. If my husband changed, then life would feel better. If my kids slept through the night, then I'd think about reading my bible again. I'm just going to enjoy my life for a few more years before I get serious with God. Every time I try to be a good Christian, someone else messes up and no one cares so why should I try so hard? And know this, I am so talking about myself here. "If only our house was finished, then I'd be more hospitable and welcome people into my life". "Once I've lost weigh then I'll feel better about myself". "It's just not realistic to spend heaps of time with God when you've got young kids and you're tired". "Well I know those books do have some stuff in them that isn't great, but the story telling is so wonderful and people would think I was a dork if I got rid of them". All just rubbish that holds us back. I can't say it as good as she can, so I highly recommend you read the book. 

The promised land for the Israelites was not easy. It wasn't free from troubles. There was war, battles, conflict. But they were in God's will. From the book again: "Promised land living. This is what it looks like. Not easy chairs. Not happy-go-lucky. NO, it's something far superior to that. Promised land living is power, confidence, endurance, thankfulness. It's boldness that can't be shaken by anything, even when an earthquake is erupting all around you. No matter the noise level and magnitude. It's forgiveness, freedom, full-expectation. It's strapping on the armour and daring any devil in hell to try defeating what God is accomplishing in you."

And through the bible you see this. I realised in the years after Erin's death that I had always remembered the good parts of the scriptures and not the other parts. But we can't take that stuff out of context and then yell at God "But you promised to protect me!". Here are some examples. 

Psalm 91: ... Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. But you will see it with your eyes..."

I don't know about you, but if I had terrors at night, dangers during the day, plagues, disasters, thousands falling and dying around me - I wouldn't feel like God was with me. I wouldn't feel like I was in the promised land. But you can't read a psalm like that and just put "When you call on me, I will answer, I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honour them" on your fridge and ignore the rest. 

Jesus himself told us what to expect in John 17: "When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you. The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you... Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you... The people of the world will hate you because you belong to me, for they don't know God who sent me"

And at the end of that is one of my most loved verses of all time, when Jesus says to them: "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world".

Paul in Phillippians talks about learning to get along with food or without, with nothing or with everything. When I have no food I can't say that I feel particularly joyful or thankful. And the faith chapter, Hebrews 11, lists all the awful things that these people of faith endured. Including being sawed in half , chained in dungeons, and having their backs cut open with whips. Nope, not the promised land by our usual standards.
The grass isn't greener. You can move town, divorce your husband, get a new job, cut your hair, lose weight, and none of it will make a bit of difference if on the inside you stay the same. What matters is our heart, our attitude, and our relationship with our maker. When we start with this stuff, we are in a better place to appreciate the blessings when they do come, and we can endure and be thankful during the trials. I'm on a journey to this place, and I'm determined to see it through. My fears include the fear of alienating people close to me by being "too Christian". Argh. I hate that one. I'm not sorry, I am not going to compromise in order to make sure that everyone else around me feels ok about where they are at. I am sorry though if I lose people close to me because of it. But "one in a million" is going to be a lonely place and I want to go beyond the drudgery that sometimes normal life can be. I'm scaring myself writing these words. I am grateful that I serve a God of grace, who is good, and who loves me, and who will take my hand and lead me through as I continue on this journey of being a follower of Jesus.
I hope this has served as a start for a lot of thinking and praying, and that it inspires someone. Don't let it drive you to guilt because that's not of God and it's not going to do any good. God is with you on your journey too.
Sarah xxx

I hate exercise.

2 weeks ago I purchased some clothing suitable for physical fitness of some kind. It was an exercise in espionage. Trying to get inside the door of rebel sport and navigate the aisles of foreign, stretchy lycra without meeting anyone I know (actually quite difficult in Wanganui) or anyone asking me for help, was quite an achievement. Then I was faced with the dilemma of whether I really wanted to spend $60 on a pair of stretchy pants to wear while doing something I didn't want to do. In the end I decided I didn't and then repeated the exercise, this time instead in the sportswear aisles of the Warehouse. As I tiptoed around I felt as thought I had a neon, flashing arrow pointing to my head that yelled "Look at Sarah! She's going to attempt to get fit!" Something which I guess most people may feel proud of but not me, oh no.
My hatred of sport and exercise is deep rooted and started as a child I think. Most of it is just part of being an Arty Creative Type, I was never naturally inclined towards sporty stuff and spent my childhood going to piano lessons and pretending to be Eeyore by eating grass in my front yard rather than at Saturday morning sport. I went through a variety of attempts at sport - a year of netball, a year of hockey, a year of badminton, a stint at cross country, a year of a gym membership, one painful weekend trying to learn to snowboard - but certainly none of those experiences brought about any kind of self-confidence or desire to commit in any capacity to Sport as a thing  that I do. I do not do Sport. I do not do Fitness. I do not do Exercise.
And why would I? I don't like feeling puffed, or tired, or raising my heart rate, or sweating, or adrenalin, or putting in any sort of physical effort. I hate competition. I have plenty of memories of high school P.E with grumpy 16 year old boys blaming me for the loss of whichever stupid game we were forced to play in our horrible, clingy polyester polo shirts and unflattering shorts. In fact, that brings back memories of me as a 10 year old, one of the earliest "developers" in my class (Yes, I'm going there), and having to do running races and holding my purple t shirt out in front of me as I ran because I was so self conscious. And at that same age I got glasses for the first time, huge purple and bronze speckled frames (very trendy at the time), but every encounter with a ball of any kind seemed to send them flying off my face in various embarrassing situations. Sport to me has very rarely ever been fun. When I was 13 I am proud to say that I managed to weasel out of every single sporting event at my school - cross country, athletics and swimming sports included.
So the purchasing of the aforementioned sports gear was accompanied by much grumbling and cringing on my part. I feel as though I am betraying my inherent values and belief systems. And that's nothing compared to actually wearing the gear.
I walked out of my house on Monday afternoon looking all sporty and I swear, I would have felt less conspicuous if I'd been wearing a clown costume. Or a Big Bird outfit. The neon arrow made it's reappearance again, this time shouting "Haha! Sarah's now going to attempt to DO something that involves exercise!"
Anyway, I've been for 2 walks this week. I went round the "lake of virgins" (as my husband would call it) twice at speed and then walked around the 2 city bridges a couple of days later. Pushing both my kids in the double buggy. I can't yet say that I enjoyed it.
Joking and sarcasm aside, I really struggle with this whole thing. As a teenager I had the "perfect figure", I guess - I never had to worry about how I looked in anything really. I ate what I wanted (which wasn't much, to be honest) and I didn't really exercise, apart from the one year mentioned above where I had a gym membership - and this was just because my two best friends were competing in aerobics competitions so I was at the gym as a social activity rather than for myself. I did get fit doing it and I did enjoy it, but it was mainly because of the time spent with them rather than from any feeling I got from it (I think). But I also didn't eat that much. I just was not interested in food. I remember telling people that I didn't get the point of it - it went in your mouth, out the other end, why did we bother? I didn't get any joy from eating. I didn't even like chocolate!!! I know, shocking. My mum and anyone else who knew me always served up an insanely small portion of food for dinner. When I got engaged I felt that maybe I should be putting in some kind of effort for the whole wedding dress thing, so I had an Elle Macpherson exercise DVD and a "Pilates for dummies" video that I did every day or so. They were fine. In fact, my dressmaker had to tell me to stop doing whatever I was doing because I was getting too small for the dress. But I still wasn't skin-and-bones, by any means. I was just-right. With minimal effort. Oh, how I miss those days.
Somewhere between getting married, and moving towns with my husband 6 months later, I gained around 15 kgs. All on my upper body. For a couple of years I tried various things to lose it. Running, getting up early before work to do the exercise DVD, weird diets where I replaced meals with protein shakes and took "craving suppressant" pills. I've only ever managed to lose 5 of that 15. Never any more. After getting pregnant and having kids, I kind of gave up and to be honest a lot of the time it just doesn't bother me at all.
I love food! I tell you, I obviously just did not know what I was missing. Ha. Eating is now one of the great joys of my life. I love sharing meals with friends. I love breakfast. I love morning tea. I feel like Merry and Pippin "What about second breakfast? Elevensies?" (Lord of the Rings reference, in case you missed it). A cup of tea and something sweet (thanks to my British friend!). And breastfeeding just makes me starving too.
What is the point of this post? Well, it's a confession of sorts I guess. This whole thing has been a loaded issue for me for the last 7 years. Every new year I make a "I will be healthy" resolution, and it lasts about a week. I have had countless "I am going to change" moments, and they last about a week. I have gone over this in my head in every direction for so long.
Part of my issue with it is that I strongly believe that women of every size and shape are beautiful. That we need to learn to love ourselves and value ourselves. I hate the fact that Hollywood and mass media feed us images of size 6, tanned, buff beauties and try to force us to believe that we need to be this way or we are not beautiful. I hate the fact that weight-loss companies make millions off women losing weight and then gaining it again, only to need to go back on their products to lose it again. I don't like there being a standard, "Ideal" version of beauty. I love people like Gok, who are celebrating the female form in all of it's diversity, and inspiring women to make the most of what they like about themselves. I don't like the whole "I'll have a salad" thing at restaraunts. I want to champion these things that I believe, rather than speak down on myself or kill myself trying to conform to some kind of skinny ideal.
But then there's the other side of it. The side that wants to live a healthy, long life for the sake of my kids and my husband. The part of me that knows that the most dangerous fat you can carry collects around your tummy. I know how badly I want to be well and to never get some kind of awful illness, because I know what it is to lose someone and what it is to watch people I love care for people who are ill - and I don't want that for my family. And I want to keep up with my kids. I want to spend a morning at the park with them without being exhausted. I think these things are all worthy reasons for trying to lose weight. Far worthier than wanting to look like the "Old Me" or some superstar on television.
And to be honest, the major factor at the moment, and the reason I'm writing it down here for you all to read, is the mental and emotional side. I have convinced myself that I can't. I can't lose weight. I can't get fit. I hate exercise. I don't do sports. I don't have any willpower. I am not disciplined. I'm lazy. And then as some of you will know, on your really bad, down days this leads pretty quickly to I'm fat. I'm useless. I'm weak. And that leads extremely quickly to chocolate and ice cream and cake.
I never used to comfort eat at all, and that was probably why I stayed thin. When I wasn't coping with life I used to sleep, or shop. I would go to bed in the afternoon and sleep through the night. I would go out and spend, spend, spend. To this day I swear I still get a rush off having a new thing in a bag to bring home and look at. Unfortunately this was always, and still is, pretty temporary because after an hour or 2 you can forget you have it and then 2 days later want something different. But now, I'm a mum. Sleep certainly isn't a readily available option, and neither is shopping, since I married a wise man who knows how to manage money and has taught me about when to spend and when not to. So I turned to food. And this needs to change.

The only thing I should turn to when I can't cope with life is Jesus. He is the one who will sustain. He has the answers I need. He is the comfort I need. And I need to go deeper and further with Him to sort out the destructive thought patterns and lies that lead me to talk down to myself the way I do. I'm a lot better than I used to be. I am so thankful for the journey that God has taken me on this year. I know that I am safe in his love, I know that he wants what is best for me. I know that I can come to him, just as I am, and be accepted and loved and welcomed. I didn't always believe that, so this is massive for me. I feel like I'm now in the right place with Him to be able to confront some of these other rooms in my heart.

That's a reference to a book I have read recently called "God loves Ugly", by Christa Black - one of the most inspirational writers/artists that walk the earth. She talks about how your heart is a house. Each house is full of rooms. Your house can be beautifully painted, nice garden, shiny and new on the outside - but when you open the door each room is black, dirty, mouldy and rotting. You need to go into every room, with Jesus, and show him all of the filth - and allow him to clean out the rooms with you. I know for myself that God has helped me with I think almost all of the rooms in my heart-home. I'm so thankful for what he's done. But there are a couple left, and I want to deal to them. And so begins the adventure. 

I'll probably need to write more on this, but because this is a loooonnnnggg post I am going to stop now, and leave it at that. But if you're going through the same sort of things I highly recommend the above book, by Christa Black. It's not going to be easy to get a copy in the next year - because it's been picked up by a major publisher, and will hit stores all over the place around September next year. I also recommend "Confessions of a reformed dieter" by A.J. Rochester. I read this a couple of years ago on summer holiday and I really appreciated her honesty and was amazed at her weight loss journey. It's interesting though to read it from a spiritual perspective, because it's very clear where she needs Jesus, and she doesn't have him, which is sad. I also love Joyce Meyer, for overcoming the lies we speak to ourself in our mind. I highly recommend Mandisa's album "What if we were real". She has been on an incredible weight-loss journey herself, and her songs are so inspiring and relevant to anyone going through the same thing. I also have recently discovered Doctor Caroline Leaf through listening to Christine Caines podcasts, and am very keen to read her books about how to be set free from negative mindsets and strongholds in your mind. I also absolutely love the blog "Lauren Nicole Love", the raw honesty and openness about relationships and overcoming a damaging past is a breath of fresh air.

And I really want to say strongly and definitively, You Are Beautiful. Size 6, 16, or 26 or whatever, You Are Beautiful. Some incredible and challenging posts that I can't recommend highly enough to read are this one, from Sarah at Emerging Mummy; Tina Francis's post at SheLoves Magazine here; and this post from the Good Women Project about our issues with food. I have read a lot more that have really helped me but, typically, I can't find them now I go back to look. In fact, subscribe to those blogs and you'll get good, honest, uplifting and challenging stuff in your inbox every day.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate so much all your feedback and your comments. I'm still figuring this out, so bear with me while I grow and change.

xx Sarah

Insecurity and accepting who you are... part one.

I talked in my very first blog post about a tendency I have had in the past to people please. I am certainly in a better place with this than I used to be, but every now and then the whole area of "what do they think of me?" rears it's ugly head. I have been feeling quite insecure these last two weeks, this could possibly be for a number of reasons: spiritual attack; I'm stepping out and saying and doing things publicly which is making me feel nervous about potentially being judged; I've been too busy and haven't spent enough time with the Lord either just praying or reading, or listening to a podcast. I thought it could be good to write about this because I know a lot of people struggle with feelings of insecurity and with feeling paranoid about what others think about them - what they say/do/dress like and how they live their lives.
When I use the term "people please" I mean the tendency to make decisions to do or say things based on what we think others would want us to do or say, rather than what we want to do or say, or what God would have us do. I think deep down most of us just want to be loved and accepted. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that we can be those things by just being who we are, so we try to adapt ourselves to suit our situation and the people around us.
I didn't so much pretend to be things I wasn't, I used to just hide. I found it really hard to talk to new people, at church or anywhere really, because I thought so hard about what I was going to say and how they would interpret what I'd said, that I'd sabotaged myself before I'd even begun! I've found nothing kills conversation more than overthinking it. Now I don't believe that we should shoot our mouths off either. But I think that when we are living in tune with Jesus and trying to be who he wants us to be, praying and seeking him, we can trust him to help us to be naturally ourselves when we talk to others.
The times when I have felt the worst about myself have been the times when my view of God has been the most twisted. About 5 years ago on summer holiday I read a book which opened my eyes to where my thinking had gone so wonky. The book is "A stone for a pillow" by I think my most favourite author, Madeleine L'engle. The book is about Jacob. The first chapter talks about how we as the western world have taken a "forensic view of God". Here are some quotes from that chapter:

"Far too often we view God as an angry judge who assumes that we are guilty unless we can placate divine ire and establish our innocence"

"This is not God, not the God of scripture who over and over again shows love for us imperfect creatures, who does not demand that we be good or virtuous before we can be loved. When we stray from God, it is not God's pleasure to punish us. It is God's pleasure to welcome us back, and then throw a party in celebration of our homecoming."

I always felt like I was on trial with God. Constantly measuring myself against some crazy, perfect, unattainable standard which I always fell short of. I was so insanely disappointed in myself, and though I knew in my head about grace, I knew God loved me, it had not clicked through to my heart. I'm thankful now that it has. It took time, it took prayer, it took good people around me. But God got me there. When I think of the Lord now and when I'm in his presence I feel 99% of the time just relaxed, free, at peace. I know he cares for me regardless of how often I read my bible, or study, or whether I said something I didn't mean that hurt someones feelings, or whether I lost my temper at my kids, or I thought about things that weren't healthy for me, or ate way too much chocolate when I wasn't even hungry. He doesn't stand in judgement towards me on those things. But if I want to talk about them and deal with them with him, he's cool with that too. And this is not to say that he isn't Lord, King, Master. The line is a tricky one but I think it pays sometimes not to overthink it. 

So I've been trying, this year in particular, to be a bit more me. I used to be very extroverted and I think that is part of who I am that I lost - the chatty part that laughed alot. I think that God would have me be that person, because that was who I was as a child, and I believe that's part of who I am - because the reasons I wouldn't act that way were full of regret and shame and guilt, and I don't believe that God is about those 3 things. God is love, God is hope, God is peace. But it's hard. I do go home sometimes after being out at church, or a practice, or visiting someone and have the "did I talk too much? why did I say that? I hope they don't think I'm being pushy?!" thoughts. But I need to learn to get past those. I know God has things for me to do. And I will not ever be able to do those things if I hide. Our pastor used a quote (he had said it was from Nelson Mandela, but I found online that this is a common mistake and it is actually from Marianne Williamson) in a sermon a few years back that struck home for me, and I try to remember it when feelings of insecurity arise inside me:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm done with playing small. If by being friendly and by being myself I alienate some people, then I will just have to accept that. I know that it's not my heart to hurt or offend. I know that I am just trying to love and welcome people. And over time God will help me grow and mature and perhaps I will get a bit better at saying the right thing and have a few less foot-in-mouth moments. Or maybe I won't. Because the more foot-in-mouth moments I have, the more it keeps me humble and keeps me running back into the arms of my God who is waiting to welcome me.

I think I'm going to leave it there for now, but I think I could be often returning to this subject.

xx Sarah