Hello 2014! It's about time... and my One Word.

Hi everyone!

HUGE big long absence from me, I'm sorry not sorry, I've been busy having a lovely summer off and doing things like below:

We had a blissful holiday away camping this year. Shocking, I know. I highly recommend camping with another family with smallish kids, if you've got smallish kids. It really was a pleasure. It helps if they're lovely people too, which ours were. Hooray!

Since then it's been the hard work of settling back into life, and actually trying to do some things to make life run a bit more smoothly around here. These things take time, and to be honest I don't know how I will manage blogging and doing creative things alongside running a home and being a wife and mother. It's a juggling act and any hopes of blogging with any sort of regularity or scheduled timetable is probably unrealistic for me in this stage of life.

Last year my One Word for the year was Rest. (You can read about the whole One Word thing here, if you're interested - I'm too exhausted to explain it.) (Ha.) I needed that word. It was very, very good that I chose a word to fall back on, to focus me, to remind me of what and who I needed to be and do that year.

I feel like I learned a lot last year, and I have some regrets and some lessons I'd like to allow to change me. It was good to learn to rest. I needed to know that I did not need to have a social engagement on every single day of the week, morning and afternoon. It was excellent to cull that right back. It was good to learn to take holidays and be intentional about scheduling them in. It was good to not just say YES to everything I felt excited about, or had a heart for, and instead to say No, because saying No meant saying Yes to resting.

But the result of saying No a lot, and to staying home a lot, and to not being social, is that I did unintentionally cut myself off from people a little. I didn't make as much effort as I had hoped in some special friendships. There are people in my life who I wish I'd given a little more attention to, or made an attempt to sacrifice a bit of me time in order to have a bit of us time. I got a little lonely and isolated without intending to.

So in praying and pondering a word for this year, I'd like to announce:

Share.

Not in the social media sense. I hope that this one-word will not mean that I share what I eat for dinner every night on facebook. (It won't, don't worry)

In 2014 I'd like to let people in. To share my life with others. To share my heart. To share my faith. And to share what I have.

In practical terms so far this will hopefully mean having more people around the table for meals in my home; being more intentional about connecting with girlfriends I love and having meaningful conversation with them; continuing to be in my community in my kids schools and kindergarten, talking and listening and being myself; and being open to sharing the things that God lays on my heart to anyone who wants to listen or to whoever seems right.

This will take bravery and courage on my part. It will also take good boundaries and a good dose of Godly security in myself. It will take regular time with God to be full enough to be able to overflow for others. And it is important that I share first with my husband and children, the absolute most important people in my world.

How about anyone else? Did you choose a one-word?
(As an aside, I find it easier to comment on Blogger if I have a Gmail account and I'm signed in before I start to write. Otherwise for some weird and completely irritating reason, my comment disappears. I'm sorry it's not more user friendly. I may switch to another provider at some stage if I can get my head around it!)

xx Sarah

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life - Shauna Niequist. An altar in the world - Barbara Brown Taylor. The In-between - Jeff Goins. Homestyle magazine.

Currently listening to: The Art of Simple Podcast, Home - Kim Walker and Skyler Smith.

Currently watching: Doctor Who Season 3, the new Big Bang Theory, NCIS season 4 and the new season, Kirsties Vintage Home.

For all the bleeding hearts

 Today I was driving down the main street of our small town, and it was busy and bustling in the pre-Christmas rush. I was stopped at a pedestrian crossing and felt a CLUNK against my car, to look behind me and see someone had backed into me coming out of their parking space, by not checking in front of them as well as behind. The poor guy was young and flustered and apologetic, I could tell he was probably driving his parents car and possibly fairly new at it and excited to have some freedom.
Oh man am I torn up about him.
I got his number, we called him, we talked to his parents. (And by We I mean my husband, because no way can I go there). They were all very pleasant. They were in the middle of planning somebody's funeral. Oh boy.
I keep remembering what it feels like to crash your parents car. The embarrassment and the regret, the guilt, the frustration - the awful dread of having to tell them about it and knowing you can't hide it.
That poor kid! I'm like, seriously, I want to send him flowers and apologise to him for being there for him to hit. Or something.
A super lovely friend on Facebook said "Good thing he banged into compassion". 
And I will say, it's a good thing I'm not hormonal or else I'd be crying like a small child.

I have a bleeding heart. I care. I care so much that many, many times in my life I have wished to be able to not care at all. To not feel. To not hurt. To just feel nothing. 
It's hard being a carer. It's hard not being able to just watch the news like a normal person without going to bed at night with the faces of the people on it in your mind as though they were living next door to you.

The month my son was born it was a terrible news season. There had been a horrific earthquake in my birth town, Christchurch, that had killed hundreds and displaced more. The Commonwealth games were all a shambles with stands falling down in India and lots of people stressing out. There had been another horrible accident in a mine which left 29 men trapped and presumed dead. It had been a bad farming season and there were pictures of truckloads of dead lambs. It was bad. It was a few days after my boy was born that I ended up in the room with the news on and some poor bloke was being interviewed (read:ambushed) by one of the current affairs shows about a whole street that hadn't had any sewerage systems for two weeks, or something. The poor old guy was crying, crying, on television - saying "We are working as hard as we can, we can't help everyone, we are trying to get to everything but there's just too much to do". I was sobbing. Sobbing about the poor man. Crying to my husband saying "Tell me he won't commit suicide. Tell me someone loves him. I hope he has a wife and some children who love him to give him a hug." Insert ugly cry here.
Funnily enough, when my daughter was born 2 years later, I banned the news from my home during the first month.

I can't seem to care fifty percent. It either has to be zero or a hundred. For it to be zero, I have to hide you from my Facebook news feed (way better than unfriending, FYI), and not talk to you, and not ask how you are or listen if anyone else talks about you. I just cannot seem to separate myself from other peoples stuff.
I've bought the "Boundaries" book and clearly I need to actually read more than two chapters of it. But also, I am an ENFP with mercy, exhortation and discernment as my spiritual gifts. Lethal combination. Absolute killer for heartache.

So here are my tips for any other bleeding hearts out there, from my time in the trenches. (Of course take my already prescribed tip first - don't watch the news when you're pregnant/just had baby/pre-menstrual).

Let your bleeding heart lead you to prayer
If you're a follower of Christ, then first I absolutely advise you to pray, pray for the person you're thinking about, pray for the situation. Cry and beg and intercede. Even for big world events, news items, strangers - I think we don't fully understand how God uses the prayers of his saints. And I think it is one of the only ways to feel understood and to feel peace when your heart is bleeding - to take that pain to the one who created you and who truly knows how you feel. 

Care but don't carry
I'm so not an expert at this. The saying, learnt through one of the very wise leaders of our church movement, is that you can take someone's backpack, unpack it for them and help them rearrange and organise it, but you can't put it on your own back and carry it yourself. They have to carry it. Don't carry a burden that isn't yours. Care about them, love them, listen. But find a way to switch off at the end of your time with them, to a certain extent. It's not your burden to carry. Carrying someone else's stuff as well as your own is too much. It's not cold, or uncaring, to give yourself a break.

Give yourself rest time alone
When I'm feeling overwhelmed by the problems of the world and the heavy stuff going on around me, I need to be alone. I love time with people. I love talking, I love connecting, I love heavy emotional friendship full of deep and meaningful discussions. But I have to then give myself time alone, or just with my husband and kids, to recharge and rest. When I've been at my most anxious and overwrought this space has lasted weeks. Take it. Don't deny it and keep trying to be everything to everyone. You'll crash and burn. You won't really be offering them the best of you. You'll be giving them the leftovers, you'll be scraping the bottom of the barrel. I know this because I've been there - believe me, please listen. Rest. Stop. Get used to quiet. Make friends with yourself.

Make sure you have friends who care the same way about you that you care about them.
What keeps me sane is the friendships I have with women who carry and worry about me the way I carry and worry about them. When it's reciprocated, it's healthier. (This is my theory anyway and I'm sticking with it). And when it's reciprocated, you both feel less pressure, and you both know it's okay to not be in each others pockets all the time. Friends that let you knock on their door and then download a huge emotional issue without a moments warning are the best thing in the world. And then those same friends are the ones with whom I have the most fun and feel the most comfortable with. I'm blessed to have these women in my life. They mean the world to me. There aren't many of them - this is about quality, not quantity.  Find the friendships that make you feel lighter when you leave them, not heavier. And try to be that friend to people you want to be closer to. 

So now I'm going to go switch off, get some sleep, and try to forget about the poor lad and his parents car. He'll be okay. I'll be his "first car crash" story. It could be worse.
And if anyone out there is in the "I-wish-I-could-not-care-anymore" space, just let me say that I hear you, I feel you, and You can get through this. You're not alone. You are loved by God, he created you, formed you, and has a purpose for your pain. One day we'll work out what it is. Love and peace to you on this November night.

xx Sarah

It doesn't have to be perfect...

So I've been noticeably (or un-noticeably?) absent, probably due to my One Word - Rest. It's sort of ironic to spend all your time on the computer writing about resting. So I've been trying to rest instead. Not that I've been necessarily succeeding but there you go. One can only try.

I thought I'd write a short post about something that's been helping me get through this 3-kids-5-and-under season (kind of relevant to the above paragraph actually!).

 

You can take or leave the pretty picture, but the saying makes a lot of sense to me.

Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.

What this means to me is: Don't let your unrealistic and massive expectations of yourself ruin the results that you are actually able to achieve. Don't let the fact that it "doesn't look/feel/seem like I imagined" steal what it is... which is good.

For anyone who has either perfectionist tendencies or is a bit OCD I think it's good to remember that sometimes, it's okay to just do what you can, with what you have, where you're at. It's good to dream and plan and all that, but sometimes life and circumstances and reality just get in the way, and we can't quite manage what we thought we'd be able to.

Don't let the myth of Perfect rob you of the joy to be found in the everyday moments of life.

When you send a letter or parcel to a friend, don't be disappointed that it was missing a hand-made toy or that you didn't manage to get to the shops to put chocolate in it too. Celebrate that you actually did do something. You put something in the post. You made an effort. You cared.

If you are always too tired or disorganised or poor to send anything in the post, realise that the fact that you text your friends and pray for them actually really does matter. And that people really appreciate a listening ear. And that doesn't have to cost you anything.

When it's your kids birthday party and you've been surfing Pinterest and pinning all the cute, themed yummy hand-made food but on the day you've had a kid with a broken arm and another kid in hospital and you're shattered and in the end you just don't quite manage the all-important vision... remember, you've thrown them a birthday party. They smiled, they blew out some candles, they had fun. Have fun yourself, don't let Perfect steal fun and memories from you.

When your home and your marriage and your parenting and your career and your church just don't look or feel like you think they really should, remember that things don't have to be perfect to be good. Your baby might not sleep or eat like those babies you see everywhere else, but you know what? Your baby is your baby and no baby is "perfect". Your house might not look like a magazine spread but neither do the houses in the magazines. They were cleaned and styled like nothing else for a few hours with a photographer. It's not reality. No church or pastor will ever tick every box that you have in your head for what the "perfect" church should be. The one you have can still be good. Really good. So can your husband, your job, your town.

So in this season where I have lots of dreams and ideas but pretty much zero energy to achieve them, I'm grateful for what I have, grateful for the chances to do what I love with the people I adore. I won't let Perfect rob me of what is good in my life.

What about you? What are the areas where the desire to be perfect can rob you of what is actually pretty good?

xx Sarah

Reading, reading, and some more reading.

Earlier this year I blogged about wanting to read all the books I bought over the last few years and have just sat around... a giant pile. So far I've read one - yes one - from that pile (applause, anyone?), but I've read 2 other non-related books, if that counts for anything?

Anyway, they were great, so here's my thoughts.

From the pile I started with "Loving our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk. This one had come recommended from Sarah Bessey's list of books that influenced her parenting, and it's a good'un. I'm a bit useless with self-help, non-fiction, fix-it type books - but this one was easy to read, relevant, and not nauseating and annoying (James Dobson, I'm looking at you...). I've taken many tidbits away from this book and applied them to my life, and there are others which I'm still going to work on. Silk's approach is non-traditional and therefore immediately appealing to me, non-conformist that I am (a friend recently called me this after spending four days with me - I wasn't aware this is what I am! Hilarious). He turns us away from a punishment-based system of parenting, towards a system of choices and consequences. What is your main goal in parenting? That your kid does exactly what you say, all the days of his life? Or that your kid is able, one day, to step into the big wide world, full of choices and possibilities and temptations, and choose wisely. We model to our kids what God is like. Is God up in heaven with a big stick, waiting to smack us with it each time we step out of line? No. Yet isn't it amazing how many of us grow up thinking that, even into adulthood.
The idea of a 2 choice system has already worked really well with my rough-and-tumble toddler. Mister 2 year old will lose.the.plot. very quickly when he puts his mind to it. Goes straight from asking once for something, to shrieking the house down. The 2 choice system has helped a lot. For example, when he is leaning so far into the baby capsule that he is probably going to suffocate his sister, I can give him 2 choices - "Buddy? Want to put your shoes on, or watch tv?" for example. Thus getting him away from the poor baby without having to physically drag him. I didn't believe it until I tried it - but Danny Silk talks about taking the struggle from a toddlers body to his brain. So when they're fighting you on something, give them 2 choices, then they have to think - often distracting them from the initial issue. It works brilliantly for us. The ones we use the most are "Hold hands or stay home", when heading out the front door (we live on a main street and he would throw a fit about holding hands when we walk out the door - but it's a non-negotiable for me). Also at dinner time when he doesn't want to eat - "In the bath straight away, or finish your beans?" This has often meant he'll eat his dinner. Big triumph. The book also stresses how important it is to say things in a neutral way, "Happy voices!" as we say in our house. Early on he makes the excellent point that no one controls us - not our kids, not our spouse, not even God in fact - the only one who controls us is us. Therefore the greatest thing and the best tool you can bring to your parenting is self-control.
Not challenging at all, right? Ha. An empowering book but I'm not saying it's easy to live like this! Choices, choices, every day for parents and kids.

 Next up is "Is it just me?" by Miranda Hart. Of "Miranda" tv fame - anyone? Who else is a fan? Such fun!
I requested this one from the library because I wanted a laugh, and it is a laugh. The book is a series of observations on the awkwardness of life, presented as a conversation between herself as a 38 year old and her 18 year old younger self. She takes 18 categories and writes a manual for life - a "Miran-ual", if you will - full of lots of laugh-out-loud moments. In the end however I took from this book much more than a few giggles. Strung throughout the book is the theme of accepting yourself, loving who you are, and being true to you - rather than pretending to be someone else, or be interested in things you're just not into. I can't say how much I admire Miranda for the choices she's made, all the while not sacrificing the things which make her, well, her. I won't spoil the ending, but basically through the whole book her 18 year old self has no idea who she has become, as a 38 year old - and spends the majority of the time mortified at how little of a life she apparently has in the future. The final chapter, on Dreams, is amazing. The final 2 pages are spectacular. I always thought Miranda was funny, but now - I utterly adore her, and she is my hero. I thank you. (< Miranda reference!)

Shortly before I went on holiday I was doing a bit of soul searching, and thinking I wanted reading material to take with me, but nothing disturbing, depressing, or involving child abuse, abduction, bad language, sex scenes, complicated interpersonal relationships - the things most grown-up fiction seems loaded with. So I went back to my love of childrens classic literature. I have a pile I'd intended to read, but I began with an author unfamiliar to me that I came across in this brilliant post - "10 books you must read to your daughter - or How to Keep Your Daughter from Ending up like that Horrid Girl in Twilight". There were a few on her list that I hadn't read, but in the comments I came across Lloyd Alexander as a suggestion so his name had been in the back of my mind. I got out "The Fantastical Adventures of the Invisible Boy" from the library, purely because it was the only one of his there. I loved it. His writing is wonderful, and the story was fascinating - of a young boy who is kept home sick, and feels "invisible" due to the fact that people look through him and don't see him, so he spends his time drawing pictures and inventing exciting stories in his head. He gets a tutor, an older family relative called Aunt Annie who he nicknames the "Gorgon" or "Gawgon" - and they develop an unlikely friendship in real life and in his stories. My favourite passage is this: "Exactly when, I could not be sure, but it was during one of those summer afternoons that The Gawgon captured my total devotion and allegiance. Because she saw me for whatever I was. No longer the Amazing Invisible Boy, with her I had nothing to hide. She made me feel my mind was free to do as it pleased. A mystery of the heart? I could not solve it, nor did I care to. In any case, I came to imagine her as a mistress of time and space, expert in all disguises, who went wherever she chose, did whatever she chose, knew all that was to be known. To me, she was capable of everything and anything." 
I can't wait to read The Chronicles of Prydain next.

Lastly is one I'm still midway through, but am thoroughly enjoying, and it's influencing a lot of my decisions - "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. Given to me by a dear friend for my birthday, it's a fascinating exploration on what really makes us happy. For one year, the author set about making herself happier - and she didn't class herself unhappy to begin with, she just wanted to be really happy. Through a series of life rules, commandments, and subjects, she explores in a funny and extremely thoroughly researched manner the subject of happiness, and how to be more happy, within the context of being yourself. It's fab. It's given me permission to do things you enjoy, just because they make you happy. That it's not indulgent to be happy. Why do we not let ourselves do things, "Just for fun"? We are a bunch of bores sometimes! It was reading the first chapter of the book that led me to spend 10 days away on holiday, potentially spending most of that alone - not something I'd have normally been able to do. But I realised that something that made me infinitely happy was quiet... and that hearing almost no cars go past for 10 days is my definition of bliss. Why on earth would I pass that up? It was a brilliant choice and I have this book to thank! Next up is the sequel she's written, "Happier at home". Sure to be very relevant to me as a stay-at-home mum.

Other things I'm really enjoying are the magazine The Simple Things, the Nester's blog "Nesting Place" and her sister's blog "Chatting at the Sky". And I am also reading on my kindle app on my iPhone, Rachel Held Evans' book "A year of Biblical Womanhood".

Oh, and would you guess why it is that I'm finally reading books again? I stopped using Facebook. I no longer read the news feed. I no longer check my notifications. I no longer know anything about anyone. Occasionally I log on to RSVP to an event, or post a photo. But I feel so free. Sooooooo free. Can't begin to describe it. I highly recommend this as a social experiment of sorts, especially if you're prone to anxiety or taking on a lot of stress from other people's stuff. This article helped me make my mind up. I have to make more effort with texting and calling certain friends now, since I don't see what they do online. But for me that is okay. I have more space in my head now, and more time in real life.

Anyone else have any exciting book recommendations, or things that are making them happy?

xx Sarah

I want to be average

Funny title, huh.

I've spent 10 days on holiday, which has been amazing but actually more than that it has just been necessary. I was on the verge of losing.it. Whatever "it" is.

So, as you do whilst on holiday, I spent some time reevaluating. And that's what has inspired the title of this post - wanting to be average.

Perhaps it's because we just did the census here in New Zealand and I'm in survey mode. But in any case I was thinking about surveys and those ones where you are asked to evaluate the person or performance on a scale - with average in the middle and then below average, very poor, above average, and outstanding on either side.

I am aware that as a person I am out of balance. And that some of the things that I am below average on and above average on, are robbing from other things, or adding to other things, and it's having a bad effect on me.

I made a survey and thought I'd put it here - I've circled my answers. (If it looks small on your screen basically very poor is on the left, average in the middle, outstanding on the right).

(Yes, I'm a dork).

For me to function as a human being and not turn into a vegetable, I need to re-order some stuff in my life. I have placed such a high value on being reliable, dependable, a good friend, saving the day, "Being Jesus", Loving Others, Serving, and doing lots of other very worthwhile things, that I've sacrificed some very basic needs of my own - for example having a shower more than once or twice a week (yes, it's embarrassing, now you know) - and also some important emotional things, like spending time with God, doing things I enjoy, and getting a bit of exercise or eating something healthier than just toast because it happens to be there and is quick. Let alone sleep. I mean, hello. Hard with a three and a half month old baby anyway, but I'm surely not going to get any extra when I'm rushing about trying to be everything to everybody else. And at the end of the day my relationships with my husband and kids suffer if I've got no energy left for them after being there for everyone else. And that's not cool because they are my loves, my legacy, my lifes work and my joy.

 

This is hard for me, because I love people - I love my friends, I love to be there for people, especially those who are lonely. It's either how God made me and is my heart, or it's a result of my upbringing - either way, it's not natural for me to be able to ignore a need. 

I'm having to learn - every need is not necessarily mine to fix or fill. Sometimes prayer is the best thing you can offer. If your family don't get your time or attention when they need it, don't offer it to others until they do. Sometimes peoples feelings might get hurt but if your heart is in the right place then they will understand, if they actually are your friend. Sometimes it is okay to be alone. It is good to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it is okay to say no, and not give a reason why.

So I'm aiming to be average. I can't bring the Very Poor or Below Average areas in my life up unless I bring some of the others down. I'm really, really sorry about that. Does this mean you can no longer depend on me? I think it probably does. Please depend on God instead. He can do so much more than I can. He is a better friend, mentor, and life-giver than I. Way way WAY better! How prideful of me to try to get in there and do his work. Sorry, Jesus. 

And yet I can hear some people say "So Sarah, this is all well and good, but it's still about you DO-ing. What about BE-ing?" Yep, I get that. That's what I'm trying at. I guess this is just a practical way of assessing my life. If I make it clear what I'm heading towards, perhaps people will be able to accept the times I want to just BE. To just sit outside under a tree with my kids. To just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. To just listen to my husband talk. 

Thanks for reading, and for being in my life. I feel the need to apologise and ask forgiveness - but let me say this - none of us, you or I, should ever have to apologise for wanting to be healthier, and happier, and more whole. None of us. So I won't apologise. I will just say to you, Onwards, on your own journey. Go and find God. Go and find Yourself. Go and find freedom. Find life. Discover your future. Live long and prosper... (hang on, is that Star Trek? I got lost there). I think I may need to go rent Pocahontas again...

xx Sarah 

P.S: I plan to do a post or two next about the good books I've read while I was away, and other light-hearted things. I just felt the need to get this one off my chest first.

My One Word for 2013

Around the internet in Christian Blogging particularly, there is a movement (for lack of a better word) that encourages people to choose one word for their year. More than a new years resolution, it's something to focus on for the year, something to let shape you and your decisions.

The One Word 365 website says it well: "Forget New Years resolutions. Scrap that long list of goals you won't remember three weeks from now anyway. Choose just one word. One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long."

I've wanted to do this for 2013 but have been praying and pondering for two weeks now, and the only word that I have in my mind seems... well... "wussy". For anyone who doesn't know that word (and didn't go to primary school in New Zealand), that means that I think my word is a cop-out. Chicken. A bit sort of unimpressive and lazy. But I think that it is right for me, for where myself and my family find ourselves, and it is something I need to learn.

Rest. Yep. Spectacular huh?

I'm resigned to it now, and here's what I think it means for me.

I need to learn to rest, physically. To stop, spend time being quiet, reading the bible, looking around me, and not worrying about what I need to do next.

I need to rest from my obsessive need to be involved in thing, to be "in the know". I wrote last year about resting from my own expectations. I'm still learning that.

To rest with my children. Instead of being so busy that I hardly have time to look at them, I want to look into their eyes, play with them, and talk to them.

As a family I want us to schedule life around rest, instead of scheduling our rest around our life (and therefore never resting). I want to take weekends away with friends. Have people over to share food with and chat. To see my husband getting active rest - he rests by being physical. To make time for him to be able to do things he loves and that are restful for him. And when he does the same for me, to choose wisely and to actually rest, not rush around "doing" stuff.

How this fits with all my high and lofty intentions to read lots of books, write more, and re-do my house, I have no idea. But I'll keep you posted.

Has anyone else chosen their one word?

If you'd like to know more, check out these websites and blogs:

The One Word 365 website.

Sarah Bessey shares her One Word.

SheLoves Magazine writes about the One Word movement.

Nish at Nish Happens shares hers.

xx Sarah.