How Competing and Comparing Wrecks Stuff

 Image Source: Pinterest

It's not much of a secret to anyone that spends time with me that I struggle with housekeeping. I'm not a neat freak - I'm far from it. I like things to look beautiful, that's the interior designer in me, but I've got no problem leaving my breakfast out on the table all day long, for the mere reason that I forget it's there - I'm way too busy thinking about how to rearrange the artworks on the walls, or what cushion I'll sew next, or how much better the room would look like if I changed the furniture around. Again. This year has been a couple of months of battling again my lack of cleanliness at times, and trying to do routines to help my home stay at a tidier level, complete with 10 emails a day from the FlyLady, and purchasing giant tomes on housekeeping.

Honestly, I do want to change. Sincerely, Sarah. 

I was driving around town recently thinking about all this and about the "people", who knows who they are, that have lovely clean homes where you could just pop in any old time and the floor wouldn't have crumbs and stuff would be put away. Where they've done their hair and their kids do what they are told. And I thought to myself "There's just no way I can compete with that."
It's a funny thought. Yet I realised that I often think it. "I can't compete". 
Which led me to think - why? Why do I feel that life is a competition? Why do I want to win at having the tidiest home, the most stylish living room, the most loved kids, the most laid-back attitude? (HA - can't have the last with the first ones by the way, EVER. FYI. I'm crazy.)

I've been thinking that particularly as women we either try to compete with other women, or we compare ourselves with other women - kind of both a different version of the same thing.

When I'm feeling like I have to Compete, I'm actually pushing another person down so that I can get above them. I'm wanting them to be less than, so I can be more than. I'm trying to make myself feel better by being better than someone else.
When I find myself Comparing, I'm pushing myself down. I'm making myself less, and making them more. I'm putting them on a pedestal, and I'm seeing only one side of them as a person. I'm putting a giant brick wall in-between her and I, destroying any hope for a decent relationship.

So I'm now trying to remember, when I find myself doing these things, to change the script. To write a different story.
Instead of Competing, I'm going to Champion. I will champion other women to be the best they can be. I will praise them, in front of them and to others. I will speak lovingly and generously about those things which I so admire in them. I will encourage them to be proud of who they are, their unique gifts, and who God made them to be.
Instead of Comparing, I'm going to Consider. I will consider that person, and her life, and her situation. I will see her as a whole person. Instead of comparing my clothes to her clothes, my hair to hers, my bible knowledge to hers, my home to hers, my kids to hers - I will consider her as a woman, wearing many different hats, and I will think about how I can care for her better. I will consider that while some areas of her life may appear to be wonderful, that there will be hurt and pain in her heart just as their is in mine. That she will need friends and relationships where she can be honest, just as I do. That there will be things in me that she may feel inadequate about if she chooses to compare, just as I do. Comparing gets me nowhere I want to go. The better path is that of grace, of love, and of mercy. And if I find myself comparing I want to catch myself, and choose instead to smile, look in her eyes, and ask her how she is, and choose to care about her answer.

I think that we try so hard sometimes to meet a certain standard, usually unattainable, and often fictional. We have an idea in our head of the "perfect" mother, or home, or attitude - not even perfect, sometimes it's just the "good" mother, home, or attitude - and we strive and strive to be this thing, without sometimes even considering whether that's right for us or not. We can be so busy - I know I can - looking to the left and the right checking out what everyone else is doing, that we forget to be present in our own life and to appreciate what we have.

The things that matter to me will not matter to other people. They'll have their own things that matter to them. We should be building our lives according to our values as individuals and as families, and thank goodness we aren't all the same - that would be terribly boring. I don't need to enforce my values on someone else, and likewise I don't need to feel threatened when I see someone doing well at something I haven't even got it in me to try.

Run your own race. Don't jump into someone else's lane and try to take over theirs. (A sporting analogy is kind of not really me, but Bianca Olthoff preached a wonderful message at the IF:Gathering conference about this and it has stuck with me.)

Here's to a year of Championing and Considering. May we really and truly know and understand Grace, for ourselves and for others.

xx Sarah

Currently reading: "Daring Greatly: how the Courage to be vulnerable transforms how we Live, Love, Parent and Lead" by Brene Brown. I just finished "Notes from a Blue Bike: The art of living intentionally in a chaotic world" by Tsh Oxenreider, and I can't recommend it highly enough - it's certainly influenced this post.

Currently listening to: "As sure as the Sun" by Ellie Holcomb. Be-a-u-tiful. The Joy the Baker podcast. The Art of Simple podcast.

Hello 2014! It's about time... and my One Word.

Hi everyone!

HUGE big long absence from me, I'm sorry not sorry, I've been busy having a lovely summer off and doing things like below:

We had a blissful holiday away camping this year. Shocking, I know. I highly recommend camping with another family with smallish kids, if you've got smallish kids. It really was a pleasure. It helps if they're lovely people too, which ours were. Hooray!

Since then it's been the hard work of settling back into life, and actually trying to do some things to make life run a bit more smoothly around here. These things take time, and to be honest I don't know how I will manage blogging and doing creative things alongside running a home and being a wife and mother. It's a juggling act and any hopes of blogging with any sort of regularity or scheduled timetable is probably unrealistic for me in this stage of life.

Last year my One Word for the year was Rest. (You can read about the whole One Word thing here, if you're interested - I'm too exhausted to explain it.) (Ha.) I needed that word. It was very, very good that I chose a word to fall back on, to focus me, to remind me of what and who I needed to be and do that year.

I feel like I learned a lot last year, and I have some regrets and some lessons I'd like to allow to change me. It was good to learn to rest. I needed to know that I did not need to have a social engagement on every single day of the week, morning and afternoon. It was excellent to cull that right back. It was good to learn to take holidays and be intentional about scheduling them in. It was good to not just say YES to everything I felt excited about, or had a heart for, and instead to say No, because saying No meant saying Yes to resting.

But the result of saying No a lot, and to staying home a lot, and to not being social, is that I did unintentionally cut myself off from people a little. I didn't make as much effort as I had hoped in some special friendships. There are people in my life who I wish I'd given a little more attention to, or made an attempt to sacrifice a bit of me time in order to have a bit of us time. I got a little lonely and isolated without intending to.

So in praying and pondering a word for this year, I'd like to announce:

Share.

Not in the social media sense. I hope that this one-word will not mean that I share what I eat for dinner every night on facebook. (It won't, don't worry)

In 2014 I'd like to let people in. To share my life with others. To share my heart. To share my faith. And to share what I have.

In practical terms so far this will hopefully mean having more people around the table for meals in my home; being more intentional about connecting with girlfriends I love and having meaningful conversation with them; continuing to be in my community in my kids schools and kindergarten, talking and listening and being myself; and being open to sharing the things that God lays on my heart to anyone who wants to listen or to whoever seems right.

This will take bravery and courage on my part. It will also take good boundaries and a good dose of Godly security in myself. It will take regular time with God to be full enough to be able to overflow for others. And it is important that I share first with my husband and children, the absolute most important people in my world.

How about anyone else? Did you choose a one-word?
(As an aside, I find it easier to comment on Blogger if I have a Gmail account and I'm signed in before I start to write. Otherwise for some weird and completely irritating reason, my comment disappears. I'm sorry it's not more user friendly. I may switch to another provider at some stage if I can get my head around it!)

xx Sarah

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life - Shauna Niequist. An altar in the world - Barbara Brown Taylor. The In-between - Jeff Goins. Homestyle magazine.

Currently listening to: The Art of Simple Podcast, Home - Kim Walker and Skyler Smith.

Currently watching: Doctor Who Season 3, the new Big Bang Theory, NCIS season 4 and the new season, Kirsties Vintage Home.

Writing as Me

One of the things that I get anxious about in regards to writing, is the fear that people think I'm representing someone, or something, when I write. I worry that if I have an opinion on a subject, people may automatically assume that my husband holds the same opinion - that I speak for him, or for my family, or my church.

So I've been wanting to do a confessional of sorts, a disclaimer, to make it clear that my thoughts and words are entirely my own. All the posts here are my own thoughts, ideas, and opinions. They don't reflect my family, my husband, or my church. They are uniquely mine. (I think I may have just repeated the same thing often enough now to make my point...) And in order to become a better writer, I need to feel free to write as myself, without fear of offence or misunderstanding.

So in order to do so, and probably just because I'm paranoid, here are some true-for-now statements about myself that inform my perspective and my view of life, and therefore my writing. Some deep, some shallow, but most aren't things that people close with me will necessarily agree with.

In no order particularly:

Source: Pinterest. Illustrator: Caroline Hadilaksono.

1. I love Harry Potter. The books, not so much the movies. I don't think they are evil or lead kids into witchcraft. I read them again, and again, and again. The female characters are some of the best ever written, in terms of role-model quality, and for that reason alone if my children want to read them when they are older (over 11 years I think) I won't be stopping them. I will however use the books as aids to talk about the themes and ideas within and also the issue of the whole witch/wizard thing if needed. My closest family all disagree with me on this one, but there you go.

2. I don't believe hell is a place that God sends people. Just call me your friendly neighbourhood conditionalist. If you have never encountered the idea that this matter was ever up for discussion, check out Rachel Held Evan's Hell series here to learn more. This is not something I ever want to debate, as I don't know my theology well enough, it's not something I'll ever stand head-to-head with another Christian about and argue, it is just a belief of mine in my heart and a place where I feel peace. It is not a central issue to our salvation or our faith, I believe, but it is an issue with evangelism and our modern  evangelism approach. I will never, ever, use hell as an evangelism tool. I believe people should come to Christ for what he has to offer us while alive, for the fullness of joy he gives us, for his unconditional love - for many things - but not because they are afraid of hell.

3. I get overly anxious and worried and am afraid of lots of things. Part of this is post-natal, part of this is childhood, part of this is ENFP overcaring. Telling someone like me "just don't worry about it!" is not that helpful, FYI. Check out this from Buzzfeed: Comics that capture the frustration of anxiety disorders.

Artist: Natalie Dee

4. I don't like exercising. I don't like feeling hot. I hate sweating. And I hate pain. All bad things.

5. I don't force my kids to do what I say "Because I said so". Obedience is not first on my list of parenting values.

6. I would make an amazing Sister Maria. Come one someone, cast me.  You know you want to.

7. I'm not a night person or a morning person. I'm a sleep person. Which makes life with kids near impossible. If I had to choose I am probably more morning than night. But parenting means staying up later than you should just because no one is sitting next to you going "Muum, muuuum, muuuuuum."

8. I really struggle with/hate social media sometimes (a lot of the time). I feel like if I were not on Facebook then I would have no idea what was happening in my friends lives. Because most people don't call, text, or write letters or even emails anymore. They just share everything with their 384 "friends". I miss personal contact and I absolutely treasure the relationships I have with people who text me every so often to check in. I think I need to give what I want to get here too, I need to text and call people, I need to make an effort, if I want people to make one back. So I'm working on that.

9. I judge myself and my life by what I DO way too much. I often count myself as failing or not meeting some high and lofty standard. I need to change. I need to stop saying that I need to change. I need to start saying "I am okay, as I am. I am enough." It is easier to preach stuff to other people than accept it yourself, am I right?

10. I really like the movie "An American Tale 2: Fieval goes west." Don't judge. It's fantastic. Amazing songs. I watched this again and again as a child.

So there you go! That's me. Well, part of me. I represent myself, and I write because I love to. I am going to write here whether people read it or not, because writing helps my soul. And all of the above ten points are probably things that will change and evolve over time, because that is how life goes. Our experiences and our history shifts our perspective, and I am not afraid of that because growth is a good thing. I think I will always love Fieval though...

What about you? Anyone else got stuff they've been afraid to admit?

xx Sarah

I want to be average

Funny title, huh.

I've spent 10 days on holiday, which has been amazing but actually more than that it has just been necessary. I was on the verge of losing.it. Whatever "it" is.

So, as you do whilst on holiday, I spent some time reevaluating. And that's what has inspired the title of this post - wanting to be average.

Perhaps it's because we just did the census here in New Zealand and I'm in survey mode. But in any case I was thinking about surveys and those ones where you are asked to evaluate the person or performance on a scale - with average in the middle and then below average, very poor, above average, and outstanding on either side.

I am aware that as a person I am out of balance. And that some of the things that I am below average on and above average on, are robbing from other things, or adding to other things, and it's having a bad effect on me.

I made a survey and thought I'd put it here - I've circled my answers. (If it looks small on your screen basically very poor is on the left, average in the middle, outstanding on the right).

(Yes, I'm a dork).

For me to function as a human being and not turn into a vegetable, I need to re-order some stuff in my life. I have placed such a high value on being reliable, dependable, a good friend, saving the day, "Being Jesus", Loving Others, Serving, and doing lots of other very worthwhile things, that I've sacrificed some very basic needs of my own - for example having a shower more than once or twice a week (yes, it's embarrassing, now you know) - and also some important emotional things, like spending time with God, doing things I enjoy, and getting a bit of exercise or eating something healthier than just toast because it happens to be there and is quick. Let alone sleep. I mean, hello. Hard with a three and a half month old baby anyway, but I'm surely not going to get any extra when I'm rushing about trying to be everything to everybody else. And at the end of the day my relationships with my husband and kids suffer if I've got no energy left for them after being there for everyone else. And that's not cool because they are my loves, my legacy, my lifes work and my joy.

 

This is hard for me, because I love people - I love my friends, I love to be there for people, especially those who are lonely. It's either how God made me and is my heart, or it's a result of my upbringing - either way, it's not natural for me to be able to ignore a need. 

I'm having to learn - every need is not necessarily mine to fix or fill. Sometimes prayer is the best thing you can offer. If your family don't get your time or attention when they need it, don't offer it to others until they do. Sometimes peoples feelings might get hurt but if your heart is in the right place then they will understand, if they actually are your friend. Sometimes it is okay to be alone. It is good to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it is okay to say no, and not give a reason why.

So I'm aiming to be average. I can't bring the Very Poor or Below Average areas in my life up unless I bring some of the others down. I'm really, really sorry about that. Does this mean you can no longer depend on me? I think it probably does. Please depend on God instead. He can do so much more than I can. He is a better friend, mentor, and life-giver than I. Way way WAY better! How prideful of me to try to get in there and do his work. Sorry, Jesus. 

And yet I can hear some people say "So Sarah, this is all well and good, but it's still about you DO-ing. What about BE-ing?" Yep, I get that. That's what I'm trying at. I guess this is just a practical way of assessing my life. If I make it clear what I'm heading towards, perhaps people will be able to accept the times I want to just BE. To just sit outside under a tree with my kids. To just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. To just listen to my husband talk. 

Thanks for reading, and for being in my life. I feel the need to apologise and ask forgiveness - but let me say this - none of us, you or I, should ever have to apologise for wanting to be healthier, and happier, and more whole. None of us. So I won't apologise. I will just say to you, Onwards, on your own journey. Go and find God. Go and find Yourself. Go and find freedom. Find life. Discover your future. Live long and prosper... (hang on, is that Star Trek? I got lost there). I think I may need to go rent Pocahontas again...

xx Sarah 

P.S: I plan to do a post or two next about the good books I've read while I was away, and other light-hearted things. I just felt the need to get this one off my chest first.

Dear Ellen

Dear Ellen,

I remember the day I first met you. Church camp, 2011, around the bonfire. My husband was playing guitar and singing so I was juggling a 2 year old girl and attempting to push my 5 month old baby to sleep in the buggy at the same time, whilst not blocking anyones view, whilst trying to keep him from crying. You were standing behind me and asked if you could help, took the buggy and pushed him to sleep. I'd never met you before, yet you reached out to help another mum having a hard time. For me that first experience with you epitomises who you are.

You are someone who sees people in need, and reaches out to help. Especially young girls, and mums, but you cared about everyone. Someone who was shy, and at first perhaps hard to get to know, but you'd still get out of your comfort zone to help someone who was on your heart, even if you didn't know them very well. I'm always amazed at your courage, when you were doing your job with Hippy - driving around, meeting new mums, helping them. The very idea terrifies me. You are so brave.

We went through some big things together. Big talks, big confessions, big tears, and big hugs. Pondering the big issues through books we and blogs that we loved. These are the things I will miss. The fact that you trusted me, what a privilege. Driving together to conferences and events where neither of us wanted to turn up alone. Worrying about people together, whether they were okay, what we could do to help. You were always willing to do anything you felt you could. 

Bonding over music. Every song (except for Metallica, sorry - though I do have a soft spot now for that song!) that was played yesterday was one I have on my iTunes too. I love that I have so much to listen to now that will make me think of you.

And now you're gone, way too soon, I was so so SO excited about your wedding. You never got to have a cuddle with my baby. I've got regrets, plenty of them. And there's nothing any of us can do. I know there's no point in asking Why. I know that it's natural to do it, but instead the only thing I'm left with is to remember you, thank God for the season I had with you, and to try to live in a way that will honour your memory. And this is not about putting you on a pedestal, and making you perfect, because you'd be the first to admit that you weren't, and none of us are. But it's about celebrating you and keeping you alive in us. This will mean a different thing for each of your friends and family, but for me, because our friendship was born of deep and meaningful discussions rather than the day-to-day fun stuff, it will mean this:

Noticing, caring for, and reaching out to people who are on the sidelines, people in pain, people who are forgotten. You were an incredible example of this to me, and you had more stamina and more grace than I did. Your memory compels me to carry on what you've started. I won't forget them.

Speaking kindly. Treating others politely, even if I'm annoyed. Showing respect. These things mattered to you. Kindness, grace, mercy. Thank you for being an example to me.

And lastly, spending time with God. Pressing on with Him, spending time with Him, reading my bible, reading books, seeking Him, and doing the hard yards - whatever it takes - to move forward with Him and become who I am in Him. Your courage astounded me, many times. Your commitment and your passion. The experiences we shared that I get to keep as sacred between us. I wish we'd had more time so we could have had more and more of them.

I know that you found true love and peace in Jesus, and you're with him now, and you "get" all of this, in a way none of us do. I look forward to the day that I get to sit down with you again, and we have a deep and meaningful and analytical discussion about it all that takes far too long, just like we used to do.

Love you forever,

Sarah xxx

Note: All the images above, except for her photo, are from Ellens Pinterest boards. Take a look through them. It's awesome to see what she loved. Let me know if you need an invite to join.

Gratitude #18 - 31

I haven't done so well at keeping up with my "1000" gifts Gratitude journal. (For those of you who have no idea what I'm on about, I started it here ). A list not of gifts I want, but gifts I already have.

18.  Prayers heard for wee babies who start to think eating is actually a good idea.
19.  Husbands who buy their wives fudge.

 20.  Sunshine to hang laundry out in.
21.  My daughter who calls me "Friend Mummy".
22.  Two children asking each other "Are you okay?" when they are sad.
23.  A husband who works hard so that I don't have to.
24.  The yummiest home made pizza.
25.  Prayers, my God to pray to, who listens, who understands.
26.  My son asking for cuddles.
27.  Baby kicking.
28.  Knowing I have my little pocket of belonging in my church.
29.  New brick courtyard beside our house.
30.  Hubby not catching my diseases.
31.  Always having enough.

What are you grateful for today?

xx Sarah

Practices of Parenting: Speak out Love

Today I've chosen to join up with Sarah at Emerging Mummy and many other amazing people to write about one of my Practices of Parenting - something I do to help me enjoy parenting every day, right now. If you're into reading about parenting then click on the link above and read more of the amazing things people have to share.


This is dear to my heart, what I write to you today. These three words:

I love you

I don't claim to be the "perfect" parent. I don't claim to know a whole lot. I am learning as I go, as we all do. But I know that when I became a parent I had something I held dear to me, a vow inside my heart. It started just as the knowledge that I was growing something inside me, a combination of me and my husband, something that would become a real, live, person - so hard to imagine during those first 9 months. No child of mine will ever, ever, question my love for them.

So I say it, all the time. "I love you". Every day. Quite a few times a day. 

Those three words seem to hold a fair amount of controversy for some people. The theory that somehow a child or person can be "Spoilt" from too much love just doesn't ring true with me. The idea that somehow it can get a bit old, or tired, to hear "I love you" too much doesn't stick either - I would much, much rather be told it too much, and say it too much, than  to spend each day longing to hear those words, or not knowing how to get them out. That is sort of my background. An awkward feeling hearing "I love you", and an awkwardness in saying it. With my own children, I refuse to be awkward. From minute one, from moment one, from the womb onwards - through their childhoods, embarrassing teens, at their 21st speeches, weddings, births of their children - I will keep saying it. I love you. I'm proud of you. You are so, so special to me.

And I don't just reserve it for my kids. Some of my friends probably think I'm a bit weird, because I do tend to say I love you in texts, emails, conversations, fairly regularly. I don't say it lightly. I don't say it out of habit. I don't say it to just anybody. But I do make a choice daily to not be ashamed to speak out Love. I believe it makes a huge difference.

When my best friend's sister died eight years ago, I drove up with my future husband to the family home in Northland. And when I got out of the car, and my friend ran down the driveway, and I dropped my bags and ran to her - we just clung onto each other and all I can remember saying is "I love you, I love you, I love you, I'm so sorry, I love you" - and her saying it back, repeating it back to me. Since then, I speak out love. I won't wait for a tragedy. I won't wait for a wake-up call. I will continue to say it. So, if I say it to you - don't feel awkward. It's not romantic. It's not wishy washy. It's not to pressure you into a deeper friendship. It's just because you matter to me, and love matters to me, and, as Gandhi says, I want to "be the change you wish to see in the world". That's the change I wish to see. 

Love. Love. Love.

"Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." (Ephesians 5:2, The Message)

xx Sarah

Friendship and Sisterhood

Today I shared at the mothers group I run at our church, called Flourish, about friendships. I wanted to post it here as well because this topic is weighing heavily on me at the moment. Not necessarily in a bad way, but perhaps because I need to be obedient and "go there" with a topic which others might find uncomfortable. And I feel pretty vulnerable doing so. So here goes! 

Generally as a rule I think friendships are often made around common interests or hobbies. This year has been interesting for me because my closest girlfriend moved to England. The closeness of our friendship is based around a number of factors: I’ve known her for the longest time out of my Wanganui friends – we met a year before we moved here and when we did move here we lived with them for 3 weeks before they bought their house, then we took their flat; our husbands had been casual friends for a good 5 years before that; we were a similar age and at the same stage in life – bought houses at the same time, had babies around the same time; and then the winning combination of a love of food and a love of books meant that it was easy for us to be close. And of course Karen loved to do nothing. I also love to do nothing. I have discovered that my closest friends over the years have also loved to do nothing. I’m a sit on the couch with a cup of tea, read a magazine, have a chat kind of girl. I find it easiest to be friends with people who are the same. Perhaps we sort of gravitate towards each other… a laziness sensor must go off or something! But in terms of friendship it was also a friendship built around the very deepest things. Karen had the courage to call me out at a time when I was hiding behind huge emotional brick walls. She was the only person to notice and the only person who cared enough to say something and because she did, and because I was touched by her thoughtfulness, and God helped me to choose to move forward rather than pull back, we had a very deep friendship based around the biggest secrets of our lives and the deepest spiritual discussions. 

Friendships like that are wonderful. But I don’t think we can expect to get that kind of friendship with anyone and everyone we know. Sometimes we just don’t click with people. Sometimes we have absolutely nothing in common and find we struggle to find anything to talk about. I do believe that when we feel this way however it's important to pray, to ask God to help us learn to love that person and to help us find common ground. But sometimes it’s just more surface than that – we are in a different time of life, a different circle of friends, we don’t live close or our age is vastly different. And this is where I want to talk about Sisterhood.
I don’t have any sisters, I have one brother and we weren’t close until our mid to late teens. So friends have always ended up sort of becoming family to me. My two best friends in high school had two sisters each and I loved being able to make myself at home in their homes and listen to them fight and scrap and feel their hurts and celebrate their joys.
And I think that actually for us as women, especially Christian women, we need Sisters even more than we might need friends.
When I look around just my own church I see a lot of very different yet very beautiful women, all with strengths and stories, and I think, Wow, the things we could do if we would UNITE. There is a quote I read online a while ago but I couldn’t find again, that said something like that if women would unite together towards a cause, Sisterhood would be the most powerful force to shake the earth – and I agree. I know that at a conference recently that some church friends went to (called EquipHer), Lisa Bevere spoke and said that “men compare to spur eachother on, women compare to bring each other down”. And to be honest, I’m getting tired of it. I don’t want to in any way minimise anyones hurt or make light of any issues that exist for anyone at all. But I do think there comes a point in our lives where we need to decide to stop looking sideways and instead look straight ahead.

What I mean by that is this: too often I have been paralysed from doing anything helpful or constructive because I have been insecure and paranoid about what other people think of me – mainly, other women. And I have been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer's podcasts this year, and have been struck by how often she talks about unforgiveness and grudge holding. The point she makes that when we don’t forgive we only hurt ourselves. More often than not the other person is perfectly fine. We are the ones that are miserable and angry and torn up inside. When we forgive we do it for ourselves, we do it so we can move on, so we can be free.
So I’m making some definitions of a Sister that I think we can learn from in our relationships with eachother. The girls laughed at me this morning - we decided that perhaps this is my concoction of a fantasy ideal of what a sister is, combined with my observations of actual sisters, and my thoughts on what it is to be a spiritual sister.

• If your sister is broke you lend her money if you’ve got it. You cook her meals. You help her out. You let her move in (even if it’s reluctantly).
• A sister might have stolen your boyfriend/clothes/barbie 10 or 20 years ago but you didn’t stop talking to her for her life – you had a big row then you got over it because she’s your sister and you love her.
• A sister is the one you call when you really feel like life is falling apart. You know you can trust her not to report you to the authorities or to tell anyone else.
• A sister will celebrate with you when you succeed, will feel your highs like they’re her own.
• When you ask your sister to pray for you she will, and she will check in again the next day to see how you are.
• You can not see your sister for weeks but when you do again it’s like nothings changed.
• You care if someone hurts your sister, Most of the time you want to hurt them back.
• Other people know NEVER to bad-mouth your sister in front of you, because she is your sister and you will defend her whether she is in the right or not.
• When you hear a rumour about your sister you don’t believe it, you ask her first, or you don’t bother because you know your sister.
• You don’t share your sisters news and feelings with other people because she is your sister and you trust each other.
• When you are hurt your sister is hurt. When you are happy your sister is happy. When you are nervous your sister is nervous for you. 
• Your relationship with your sister may not be perfect. You may not agree with all her choices, her hairstyle, her outfits, or her friends – but when she needs you, you’re there, and she for you.   

We aren’t all going to be best friends. But I believe we need to be sisters. Today in writing this I'm trying to encourage you. Let's find a group of women who we are in community with - be it at a church, a mothers group, in your neighbourhood and start the Sisterhood journey. I'm saying to the beautiful women in my church: I care for you all, I’m here for you, I will pray for you if you ask. It doesn’t matter if we don’t spend a lot of time together, you can know that I will still be your sister. I think that it’s time to speak truth, to put down our defenses, to choose to never speak ill of one another or to tolerate it in others. If there’s deep grievances or issues between us and our girlfriends let’s start the journey towards healing those, for our own sake as much as anyone elses. I need sisters. I need people I can trust. I need companionship. I need help sometimes. 

If women unite, we will be an unstoppable force, and it can start small: in one mothers group, one neighbourhood, one church.

I know I may have stirred up some uncomfortable things today and I'm not asking you to necessarily agree with me on it all, but I do ask you to think on it and to pray on it. For too long women have been known to be petty, cruel and malicious. It’s time to turn that around. We are nurturers, mothers, life givers, servers, encouragers and inspirers (yes I’m making up a word!) We are sisters. Let’s start today. I’m choosing to and I hope that you will choose with me.

xx Sarah

Note: These thoughts are inspired by Idelette and SheLovesMagazine.com and their amazing manifesto.