Writing as Me

One of the things that I get anxious about in regards to writing, is the fear that people think I'm representing someone, or something, when I write. I worry that if I have an opinion on a subject, people may automatically assume that my husband holds the same opinion - that I speak for him, or for my family, or my church.

So I've been wanting to do a confessional of sorts, a disclaimer, to make it clear that my thoughts and words are entirely my own. All the posts here are my own thoughts, ideas, and opinions. They don't reflect my family, my husband, or my church. They are uniquely mine. (I think I may have just repeated the same thing often enough now to make my point...) And in order to become a better writer, I need to feel free to write as myself, without fear of offence or misunderstanding.

So in order to do so, and probably just because I'm paranoid, here are some true-for-now statements about myself that inform my perspective and my view of life, and therefore my writing. Some deep, some shallow, but most aren't things that people close with me will necessarily agree with.

In no order particularly:

Source: Pinterest. Illustrator: Caroline Hadilaksono.

1. I love Harry Potter. The books, not so much the movies. I don't think they are evil or lead kids into witchcraft. I read them again, and again, and again. The female characters are some of the best ever written, in terms of role-model quality, and for that reason alone if my children want to read them when they are older (over 11 years I think) I won't be stopping them. I will however use the books as aids to talk about the themes and ideas within and also the issue of the whole witch/wizard thing if needed. My closest family all disagree with me on this one, but there you go.

2. I don't believe hell is a place that God sends people. Just call me your friendly neighbourhood conditionalist. If you have never encountered the idea that this matter was ever up for discussion, check out Rachel Held Evan's Hell series here to learn more. This is not something I ever want to debate, as I don't know my theology well enough, it's not something I'll ever stand head-to-head with another Christian about and argue, it is just a belief of mine in my heart and a place where I feel peace. It is not a central issue to our salvation or our faith, I believe, but it is an issue with evangelism and our modern  evangelism approach. I will never, ever, use hell as an evangelism tool. I believe people should come to Christ for what he has to offer us while alive, for the fullness of joy he gives us, for his unconditional love - for many things - but not because they are afraid of hell.

3. I get overly anxious and worried and am afraid of lots of things. Part of this is post-natal, part of this is childhood, part of this is ENFP overcaring. Telling someone like me "just don't worry about it!" is not that helpful, FYI. Check out this from Buzzfeed: Comics that capture the frustration of anxiety disorders.

Artist: Natalie Dee

4. I don't like exercising. I don't like feeling hot. I hate sweating. And I hate pain. All bad things.

5. I don't force my kids to do what I say "Because I said so". Obedience is not first on my list of parenting values.

6. I would make an amazing Sister Maria. Come one someone, cast me.  You know you want to.

7. I'm not a night person or a morning person. I'm a sleep person. Which makes life with kids near impossible. If I had to choose I am probably more morning than night. But parenting means staying up later than you should just because no one is sitting next to you going "Muum, muuuum, muuuuuum."

8. I really struggle with/hate social media sometimes (a lot of the time). I feel like if I were not on Facebook then I would have no idea what was happening in my friends lives. Because most people don't call, text, or write letters or even emails anymore. They just share everything with their 384 "friends". I miss personal contact and I absolutely treasure the relationships I have with people who text me every so often to check in. I think I need to give what I want to get here too, I need to text and call people, I need to make an effort, if I want people to make one back. So I'm working on that.

9. I judge myself and my life by what I DO way too much. I often count myself as failing or not meeting some high and lofty standard. I need to change. I need to stop saying that I need to change. I need to start saying "I am okay, as I am. I am enough." It is easier to preach stuff to other people than accept it yourself, am I right?

10. I really like the movie "An American Tale 2: Fieval goes west." Don't judge. It's fantastic. Amazing songs. I watched this again and again as a child.

So there you go! That's me. Well, part of me. I represent myself, and I write because I love to. I am going to write here whether people read it or not, because writing helps my soul. And all of the above ten points are probably things that will change and evolve over time, because that is how life goes. Our experiences and our history shifts our perspective, and I am not afraid of that because growth is a good thing. I think I will always love Fieval though...

What about you? Anyone else got stuff they've been afraid to admit?

xx Sarah

Cherished

Today I'm having a go for the first time at "Five Minute Friday", with Lisa-Jo Baker, and it's freaking me out a little! The idea is to write for just five minutes flat, with no editing or thinking too much about it. "why not take 5 minutes and see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing." (from her website). Today's word was Cherished - so here we go!

GO

Little blinking eyes, squinting at the world. Head turning left, right, left, right, clunking it's way around my body - shoulder, chin, shoulder. Popping up like a meercat, then down again to nuzzle into my chest.

Baby girl with long, curled up fingers. A little brown birthmark over the left shoulder. Toes so long that they curl around your pinky. Slender legs with chubby skin on top.

A smile that starts from the eyes. It almost looks like she's pretending to wink. Then her mouth opens, the edges of it curl, and it turns into a full-blown, mega-watt, heart-melting grin - eyes twinkling, mouth wide open, utter joy.

Each day, each week will bring new changes. I can see her in gumboots, splashing through puddles, waddling around all crazy-like as she learns to walk. Sitting in the sand pit, exploring this new thing with her hands and then eating it, wrinkling up her face. Running after her brother and sister, screaming, giggling, bellowing. I wonder if you'll be as loud as them, my dear, cherished baby girl.

STOP

xx Sarah

Thoughts on this day, Mothers day

Today it's Mother's day, and I thought I'd write a wee something, in the honour of trying to write shorter posts more often :)
A rough start today, with hubby out insane-early to church and me having my first ever Sunday on Kids this morning (what an eye-opener), with lots of things to remember to bring and organise. Add to that a small boy who decided it was fun to use his snuggly lamb toy as a whip on his sister, and said sister walloping him back - all while I was trying to type out PowerPoint song lyrics on the kids computer - and I was exhausted before I even arrived!
But after church and after a meltdown my husband gave me this:

Oh yes. Not just 4 pieces either, which still would have been great, but heaps of pieces. And no, I'm not sharing. Well, I will share it with him since he paid for it but not with anyone else!  (And he didn't go out and buy it after I had a meltdown, he'd already got it. Plus a hand-made card from my kids. Organised husband, I salute you.)

Mothers day isn't a nice day for everybody. I think of friends who lost their mums well before they should have. I think of relationship breakdowns. I think of the kids today in church who didn't come with a mum, either because she's not around or she isn't the one bringing them to church. I loved Lisa-Jo's post "For the Motherless daughter", she says anything far better than I can and she gets it. I don't think you'd ever understand what it was like to not have a mother unless you didn't have one.

Some memories of my mum from my childhood are around various creative activities, though she probably wouldn't call herself overly creative in an arty sense. I'm grateful she nurtured that in us. School holidays surrounded by Lego villages. One set of holidays where I was obsessed with making clowns - ping pong ball heads, fabric bodies, funny colours. Her teaching me cross stitch, and how to use the sewing machine. As a child, watching her (probably nagging her, more likely), as she sewed us our tracksuits - very trendy in the 80's I have to say - and then getting to go to the shopping mall with her and choose a print from the fancy place where they put a picture on the front of your sweatshirt. The one I remember most was a Persian cat, hideous pastel coloured flowery thing that I adored. Pale pink tracksuit. White blonde bob haircut... you get the picture.

Mum introduced me to my favourite author, Madeleine L'engle. She managed to navigate choosing books for me in my pre-teen years which I just loved, which could have gone very wrong. The Little house series, Anne of Green Gables, Frank Peretti's Cooper Kids adventure books. My most favourite book was the first one she bought me of Madeleine L'engles, called "A ring of endless light". Actually the third book in a series about Vicky Austin and her family. Vicky is the middle child, a poet, misunderstood and hiding in the shadow of her blonde, outgoing younger sister. She explores identity and death and doesn't shy away from issues that sometimes people wouldn't want to discuss with kids that age. As I went into my teens my Grandmother became the one who introduced authors to me. Kate Atkinson's "Behind the scenes at the museum" was the beginning. I loved Carol Sheilds, another introduction from her. A doorway into a new world, grown-up and beautifully written. I haven't had the concentration to stick at books like those for years now, but on my Grandma's 87th birthday this year I bought her "Walking on Water" by Madeleine L'engle, and it is special to be able to reciprocate those moments of book-sharing, and of not knowing you loved something until it landed in your hands and you turned the pages. My Grandma also reads every Jane Austen book, every year, and I haven't done that in years but would love to follow her example once life allows for sitting with a book with long paragraphs and older language again. At the moment life allows for re-reading of extremely easy books, in between breaking up squabbles between small children.

Happy Mothers day, everyone. Whether you are one, or have one, or you don't, I hope you enjoy celebrating today those around you who bring life into the world - for that is indeed the most significant thing about a mother, and something that's gifted not only those of us who have gone through labour and childbirth. Women have in them the inherent characteristics of the creator, and he granted us that gift, the gift of giving life, of creation, of bringing life into the world. We can do this with our words, our friendships, our personality's, and our homes. May you all feel blessed and noticed today, beautiful life-giving women.

Sarah xx

A rant about teen girls mags and Bella

So this is the latest "Girlfriend" magazine, with Lea Michele from Glee in her undies. Great, isn't it? Doesn't it just make you so happy? Especially when you know that Girlfriend's target audience is 12-17 year old girls.
I'm being sarcastic, in case you hadn't guessed it. I had to rent this from the library because I couldn't bear to pay money for it. I have got to say, what is up with this pose, as well?! You see it too often. Tina Francis from SheLovesMagazine wrote an awesome write up about this for her column, which I loved, where she uses the example of Beyonce: "Take Beyonce’s music video “Run the World” for example. Ms. Knowles is singing about female empowerment on all fours in front of a car... How does a woman living in today’s world define “dignity” when the media tells us we are most appreciated on our knees, half-dressed, preferably in front of an automobile."
And the thing that really bugs me is that these 12-17 year old girls are going to be posing just like Miss Lea Michele on their facebook pages and their cellphones, with no idea of the implications. The state of our world and the trashy messages our girls are sent just makes me feel sick to my stomach.
We accept so much of what we see in magazines, on screen, in music videos and on t shirts and in advertisements without question. How much of it is shaping our perceptions of ourselves? A lot, in my opinion. There are a lot of shows that I just can't watch more than 5 minutes of without feeling terrible about myself and angry at the world. All the Top Model shows, for example. (I know that many of you love them so won't agree.) Glee, is another one. Loved the singing, hated the content, hated how it made me feel, and just had to give it up.
I'm not sure what the makers of the standard teen girl mags are thinking when they produce some of this content. Perhaps they think they are giving girls what they want - that girls know all about sex anyway and are obsessed with getting boyfriends, therefore they need to cater to that with their content and the way they word the answers to their questions. Read the "advice" columns in these magazines, you'll get advice all right - a manual about sex. While they often tell girls that you shouldn't have sex until you are ready, they don't go into enough detail or enough of the WHY. There's no talk of emotional consequences, and the amount of information they give makes it seem like getting into a sexual relationship in your early and mid teens is so normal. Oh, and another cringe factor - one of the "guys we love" in this months issue is an actor from the tv show "The Almighty Johnsons", from the makers of Outrageous Fortune - a show with unbelievably explicit content. I think I might have to throw my television out the window when my girl turns 12. No, I say that flippantly - but I will be watching what she watches and talking about it with her.
Anyway. There is hope. Hope in the form of Bella magazine. Bella is produced in Australia by an amazing group of women from Toowomba, Queensland, and is an alternative to these other girls mags, aimed at 13-19 year old girls. We have the rights here in New Zealand to make our own version of it, and I'm excited for the day when that becomes a reality. Bella is not a Christian magazine, (though those of us who are behind it are Christians), it is something any girl will relate to. But it gives a much more balanced view of the issues and questions that girls have, and is all about helping girls realise their unique value, strength and purpose. With Bella we say that girls are valuable, are worthwhile, just because of who they are - just because they exist. Not because of anything they can do or offer a man, not because of their looks or their body, not if they meet a list of expectations: skinny enough, popular enough, well-dressed enough. Just.Because.You.Are.You.
I love this answer in the latest Bella when a girl writes about how she hates herself, and asks how she can keep her sense of value. "Every girl is beautiful! Bella believes that you are beautiful and we want you to believe you are beautiful, awesome, precious and have worth - not just some of the time but ALL of the time. If people are mean to you, then they are not your friends. You deserve better than that, and you don't need to allow people to be mean to you. It may seem like a hard thing to leave your group and meet some new friends, but if they mostly make you feel bad and hate yourself, then that is wrong of them. That is not how friends act. You don't need to be surrounded by a big group of people to realise how beautiful and amazing you are. Sometimes just one friend is all that is needed to realise the truth and to help you like yourself." (from Bella Summer 2011/2012)
We are just at the beginning of the journey with Bella, so please if you like what you hear then get involved. Find our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter, and buy a subscription!
There are many things in my life that I love and are passionate about at the moment, and Bella is one of them, so I felt I needed to write about it. I hope it's inspired someone.
And speaking of things that are inspiring me, I got given "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere for my birthday, and I just loved this on the first page:

YES. YES. YES.
xx Sarah

Practices of Parenting: Speak out Love

Today I've chosen to join up with Sarah at Emerging Mummy and many other amazing people to write about one of my Practices of Parenting - something I do to help me enjoy parenting every day, right now. If you're into reading about parenting then click on the link above and read more of the amazing things people have to share.


This is dear to my heart, what I write to you today. These three words:

I love you

I don't claim to be the "perfect" parent. I don't claim to know a whole lot. I am learning as I go, as we all do. But I know that when I became a parent I had something I held dear to me, a vow inside my heart. It started just as the knowledge that I was growing something inside me, a combination of me and my husband, something that would become a real, live, person - so hard to imagine during those first 9 months. No child of mine will ever, ever, question my love for them.

So I say it, all the time. "I love you". Every day. Quite a few times a day. 

Those three words seem to hold a fair amount of controversy for some people. The theory that somehow a child or person can be "Spoilt" from too much love just doesn't ring true with me. The idea that somehow it can get a bit old, or tired, to hear "I love you" too much doesn't stick either - I would much, much rather be told it too much, and say it too much, than  to spend each day longing to hear those words, or not knowing how to get them out. That is sort of my background. An awkward feeling hearing "I love you", and an awkwardness in saying it. With my own children, I refuse to be awkward. From minute one, from moment one, from the womb onwards - through their childhoods, embarrassing teens, at their 21st speeches, weddings, births of their children - I will keep saying it. I love you. I'm proud of you. You are so, so special to me.

And I don't just reserve it for my kids. Some of my friends probably think I'm a bit weird, because I do tend to say I love you in texts, emails, conversations, fairly regularly. I don't say it lightly. I don't say it out of habit. I don't say it to just anybody. But I do make a choice daily to not be ashamed to speak out Love. I believe it makes a huge difference.

When my best friend's sister died eight years ago, I drove up with my future husband to the family home in Northland. And when I got out of the car, and my friend ran down the driveway, and I dropped my bags and ran to her - we just clung onto each other and all I can remember saying is "I love you, I love you, I love you, I'm so sorry, I love you" - and her saying it back, repeating it back to me. Since then, I speak out love. I won't wait for a tragedy. I won't wait for a wake-up call. I will continue to say it. So, if I say it to you - don't feel awkward. It's not romantic. It's not wishy washy. It's not to pressure you into a deeper friendship. It's just because you matter to me, and love matters to me, and, as Gandhi says, I want to "be the change you wish to see in the world". That's the change I wish to see. 

Love. Love. Love.

"Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." (Ephesians 5:2, The Message)

xx Sarah

In the beginning...

So this is it. I've thought about blogging for a while now, but have been quite busy getting over myself and my tendency to people please so have put it off longer than I thought I would.
I love blogs. In the last 6 months I have discovered so much amazing writing online, and have been getting so inspired and so filled by these wonderful women (I mostly tend to read women!). I also have recently got involved with a magazine called Bella, for teen girls, and we are wanting to get a web/blog thing happening one day, so I'm sort of preparing myself for that too. I tend to preach and write to myself and others inside my head rather often, so it's about time that I did the bold thing and started to put some things down on paper (or screen?) instead.
A friend I greatly admire, Marion, writes a wonderful blog NZgirl and she recently made a series of statements about herself from what she's been learning on her journey. I thought I'd do a similar sort of thing, then you can decide whether you want to keep checking in here or if I'm just going to irritate you...
I'm Sarah. I'm married, I have 2 beautiful tiny tots and I live in a smallish town in New Zealand.

• I'm a bit floaty, or flighty - airy fairy? I'm creative and I like to ask questions and sometimes I don't answer them. Or I answer them with more questions. I like to question, I like to debate, I like to ponder.
• I'm a Christian. I love God, I love my church, I'm committed. I believe absolutely in the redemptive power of God and in his grace.
• I'm messy and disorganised. Administration rates pretty low in my list of priorities.
• I'm an arty creative type, I love music, interior design, gardens, fashion, illustration and books. I'll share my favourites here.
• I'm pretty passionate about parenting and about supporting mums in particular. I can talk for hours if someone is foolish enough to let me.
• I don't really know yet what I'm meant to "DO" with my life. I'm on a journey and still learning each day at a time who I am and what matters most to me.
• I'm people oriented and tend to do things because I care for the people involved, not because I care that much about the task or the job.

I think that's enough for now. Thanks for reading and I hope this will be an encouraging and inspiring thing for me and  you both.
xx Sarah