How Competing and Comparing Wrecks Stuff

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It's not much of a secret to anyone that spends time with me that I struggle with housekeeping. I'm not a neat freak - I'm far from it. I like things to look beautiful, that's the interior designer in me, but I've got no problem leaving my breakfast out on the table all day long, for the mere reason that I forget it's there - I'm way too busy thinking about how to rearrange the artworks on the walls, or what cushion I'll sew next, or how much better the room would look like if I changed the furniture around. Again. This year has been a couple of months of battling again my lack of cleanliness at times, and trying to do routines to help my home stay at a tidier level, complete with 10 emails a day from the FlyLady, and purchasing giant tomes on housekeeping.

Honestly, I do want to change. Sincerely, Sarah. 

I was driving around town recently thinking about all this and about the "people", who knows who they are, that have lovely clean homes where you could just pop in any old time and the floor wouldn't have crumbs and stuff would be put away. Where they've done their hair and their kids do what they are told. And I thought to myself "There's just no way I can compete with that."
It's a funny thought. Yet I realised that I often think it. "I can't compete". 
Which led me to think - why? Why do I feel that life is a competition? Why do I want to win at having the tidiest home, the most stylish living room, the most loved kids, the most laid-back attitude? (HA - can't have the last with the first ones by the way, EVER. FYI. I'm crazy.)

I've been thinking that particularly as women we either try to compete with other women, or we compare ourselves with other women - kind of both a different version of the same thing.

When I'm feeling like I have to Compete, I'm actually pushing another person down so that I can get above them. I'm wanting them to be less than, so I can be more than. I'm trying to make myself feel better by being better than someone else.
When I find myself Comparing, I'm pushing myself down. I'm making myself less, and making them more. I'm putting them on a pedestal, and I'm seeing only one side of them as a person. I'm putting a giant brick wall in-between her and I, destroying any hope for a decent relationship.

So I'm now trying to remember, when I find myself doing these things, to change the script. To write a different story.
Instead of Competing, I'm going to Champion. I will champion other women to be the best they can be. I will praise them, in front of them and to others. I will speak lovingly and generously about those things which I so admire in them. I will encourage them to be proud of who they are, their unique gifts, and who God made them to be.
Instead of Comparing, I'm going to Consider. I will consider that person, and her life, and her situation. I will see her as a whole person. Instead of comparing my clothes to her clothes, my hair to hers, my bible knowledge to hers, my home to hers, my kids to hers - I will consider her as a woman, wearing many different hats, and I will think about how I can care for her better. I will consider that while some areas of her life may appear to be wonderful, that there will be hurt and pain in her heart just as their is in mine. That she will need friends and relationships where she can be honest, just as I do. That there will be things in me that she may feel inadequate about if she chooses to compare, just as I do. Comparing gets me nowhere I want to go. The better path is that of grace, of love, and of mercy. And if I find myself comparing I want to catch myself, and choose instead to smile, look in her eyes, and ask her how she is, and choose to care about her answer.

I think that we try so hard sometimes to meet a certain standard, usually unattainable, and often fictional. We have an idea in our head of the "perfect" mother, or home, or attitude - not even perfect, sometimes it's just the "good" mother, home, or attitude - and we strive and strive to be this thing, without sometimes even considering whether that's right for us or not. We can be so busy - I know I can - looking to the left and the right checking out what everyone else is doing, that we forget to be present in our own life and to appreciate what we have.

The things that matter to me will not matter to other people. They'll have their own things that matter to them. We should be building our lives according to our values as individuals and as families, and thank goodness we aren't all the same - that would be terribly boring. I don't need to enforce my values on someone else, and likewise I don't need to feel threatened when I see someone doing well at something I haven't even got it in me to try.

Run your own race. Don't jump into someone else's lane and try to take over theirs. (A sporting analogy is kind of not really me, but Bianca Olthoff preached a wonderful message at the IF:Gathering conference about this and it has stuck with me.)

Here's to a year of Championing and Considering. May we really and truly know and understand Grace, for ourselves and for others.

xx Sarah

Currently reading: "Daring Greatly: how the Courage to be vulnerable transforms how we Live, Love, Parent and Lead" by Brene Brown. I just finished "Notes from a Blue Bike: The art of living intentionally in a chaotic world" by Tsh Oxenreider, and I can't recommend it highly enough - it's certainly influenced this post.

Currently listening to: "As sure as the Sun" by Ellie Holcomb. Be-a-u-tiful. The Joy the Baker podcast. The Art of Simple podcast.

Hello 2014! It's about time... and my One Word.

Hi everyone!

HUGE big long absence from me, I'm sorry not sorry, I've been busy having a lovely summer off and doing things like below:

We had a blissful holiday away camping this year. Shocking, I know. I highly recommend camping with another family with smallish kids, if you've got smallish kids. It really was a pleasure. It helps if they're lovely people too, which ours were. Hooray!

Since then it's been the hard work of settling back into life, and actually trying to do some things to make life run a bit more smoothly around here. These things take time, and to be honest I don't know how I will manage blogging and doing creative things alongside running a home and being a wife and mother. It's a juggling act and any hopes of blogging with any sort of regularity or scheduled timetable is probably unrealistic for me in this stage of life.

Last year my One Word for the year was Rest. (You can read about the whole One Word thing here, if you're interested - I'm too exhausted to explain it.) (Ha.) I needed that word. It was very, very good that I chose a word to fall back on, to focus me, to remind me of what and who I needed to be and do that year.

I feel like I learned a lot last year, and I have some regrets and some lessons I'd like to allow to change me. It was good to learn to rest. I needed to know that I did not need to have a social engagement on every single day of the week, morning and afternoon. It was excellent to cull that right back. It was good to learn to take holidays and be intentional about scheduling them in. It was good to not just say YES to everything I felt excited about, or had a heart for, and instead to say No, because saying No meant saying Yes to resting.

But the result of saying No a lot, and to staying home a lot, and to not being social, is that I did unintentionally cut myself off from people a little. I didn't make as much effort as I had hoped in some special friendships. There are people in my life who I wish I'd given a little more attention to, or made an attempt to sacrifice a bit of me time in order to have a bit of us time. I got a little lonely and isolated without intending to.

So in praying and pondering a word for this year, I'd like to announce:

Share.

Not in the social media sense. I hope that this one-word will not mean that I share what I eat for dinner every night on facebook. (It won't, don't worry)

In 2014 I'd like to let people in. To share my life with others. To share my heart. To share my faith. And to share what I have.

In practical terms so far this will hopefully mean having more people around the table for meals in my home; being more intentional about connecting with girlfriends I love and having meaningful conversation with them; continuing to be in my community in my kids schools and kindergarten, talking and listening and being myself; and being open to sharing the things that God lays on my heart to anyone who wants to listen or to whoever seems right.

This will take bravery and courage on my part. It will also take good boundaries and a good dose of Godly security in myself. It will take regular time with God to be full enough to be able to overflow for others. And it is important that I share first with my husband and children, the absolute most important people in my world.

How about anyone else? Did you choose a one-word?
(As an aside, I find it easier to comment on Blogger if I have a Gmail account and I'm signed in before I start to write. Otherwise for some weird and completely irritating reason, my comment disappears. I'm sorry it's not more user friendly. I may switch to another provider at some stage if I can get my head around it!)

xx Sarah

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life - Shauna Niequist. An altar in the world - Barbara Brown Taylor. The In-between - Jeff Goins. Homestyle magazine.

Currently listening to: The Art of Simple Podcast, Home - Kim Walker and Skyler Smith.

Currently watching: Doctor Who Season 3, the new Big Bang Theory, NCIS season 4 and the new season, Kirsties Vintage Home.

Jesus made a feminist out of me

When I first began to venture into the world of the internet for more than just checking email, I started with Twitter - figuring that I could follow pastors, Christian people I'd heard of and see if they had anything interesting to say. Some people don't really have anything interesting to say, (and some should really refrain from tweeting during presidential elections - pet peeve), but others generously and strategically use their online presence to connect people to amazing, wonderful things. 
I followed Helen Burns, as a pastor from a big overseas church that I didn't know too much about - and she linked to this: the SheLoves Magazine manifesto, written by Idelette McVicker. The words stirred something in my heart and began a chapter in my faith walk which has changed me for the better. 
Through reading SheLoves Magazine, I stumbled across Sarah Bessey. She wrote monthly on parenting. Cut to my current crazy fan-girl mad state.  I LOVE Sarah's writing, her cute instagram pictures, her book recommendations - plus she's a Whovian (we got into it at the same time), she is a beautifully gentle parent, her daughter loves to make art to raise money for a good cause, she likes to eat and talk and love and laugh and she doesn't apologize for being different.
Kindred Spirit. (She also loves Anne of Green Gables and would totally get that reference).
Sarah Bessey has written a book called "Jesus Feminist" which my husband IS going to order from overseas for me for Christmas. I must tell him this. She's been doing a synchroblog and this is my small puzzle piece to add.

I'm not a scholar or a theologian. I didn't study women's issues at university. I may not be "qualified" to add to this conversation. But when I think about this quote "Jesus made a feminist out of me" I remember that I don't have to begin everything with an apology for what I am not.

Over the last ten years I have left home, got married and had children, moved town and left friends and been forced to make new ones, and my journey with Jesus has been one that has taken me through the wilderness and the desert and then out into lush open fields and stormy seas. I have had times where I thought of myself of being capable of nothing, nothing at all. Where I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise myself. Where I felt totally empty when I thought about God.

I remember in one of those moments, maybe 8 years ago, being on holiday with my husband and having a God-encounter at dinner with an old friend and one of her friends - two true Jesus feminists. Pizza and conversation turned into prayer and tears as one of them, Emily, prayed over me and spoke the words "Arise, Arise!"

Jesus calls the feminist in me out of hiding. Jesus tells me to no longer stand behind my husband, quiet in his shadow, where it may feel safe and I am not noticed. Jesus has gently and compellingly beckoned my true nature out from behind the walls I built up, and he tells me that I have a part to play. I have a story to tell. I have a song to sing. I have paint to put to canvas, I have ideas and opinions and thoughts that need to be spoken.

To be a feminist is to consider that "women are people, too", by Sarah Bessey's definition.
Sometimes without even realising it, we rank ourselves lower or less important than our husbands or other significant men in our life, for whatever reason - whether it's money, or position, or a vague sense of who "should" make the decisions. I would urge you to re-think those beliefs, if you have them, and to listen to the voice of the Spirit inside of you. God is not just man, but woman - we are both created in his image, male and female. When we deny women the right to speak, or we decide not to speak and bring our thoughts to the conversation, people will only see half of who God is. We need to see the whole. We need to hear the whole heart of God, male and female. We need to read books by men and women, have men and women speaking at our conferences, have men and women leading in our churches and our workplaces. We are best when we are together, each giving the other equal opportunity to share, and valuing each other's input even when we don't understand it. This is the kingdom of God. Beautiful, diverse, messy, passionate and glorious, and full of voices calling out the life God has placed inside them.

I had a word over me earlier this year that God had placed living things inside of me, precious living things, and that I would have to birth them like I birth a child - painful and without much control over the timing. But that God was my midwife and he aid, guide, protect and assist me as a midwife would while I labour.

I'm thankful God is all things. Male and female, midwife, mother, teacher, queen and king. And I'm thankful that Jesus made a feminist out of me and calls me, still, to Arise.

xx Sarah

I want to be average

Funny title, huh.

I've spent 10 days on holiday, which has been amazing but actually more than that it has just been necessary. I was on the verge of losing.it. Whatever "it" is.

So, as you do whilst on holiday, I spent some time reevaluating. And that's what has inspired the title of this post - wanting to be average.

Perhaps it's because we just did the census here in New Zealand and I'm in survey mode. But in any case I was thinking about surveys and those ones where you are asked to evaluate the person or performance on a scale - with average in the middle and then below average, very poor, above average, and outstanding on either side.

I am aware that as a person I am out of balance. And that some of the things that I am below average on and above average on, are robbing from other things, or adding to other things, and it's having a bad effect on me.

I made a survey and thought I'd put it here - I've circled my answers. (If it looks small on your screen basically very poor is on the left, average in the middle, outstanding on the right).

(Yes, I'm a dork).

For me to function as a human being and not turn into a vegetable, I need to re-order some stuff in my life. I have placed such a high value on being reliable, dependable, a good friend, saving the day, "Being Jesus", Loving Others, Serving, and doing lots of other very worthwhile things, that I've sacrificed some very basic needs of my own - for example having a shower more than once or twice a week (yes, it's embarrassing, now you know) - and also some important emotional things, like spending time with God, doing things I enjoy, and getting a bit of exercise or eating something healthier than just toast because it happens to be there and is quick. Let alone sleep. I mean, hello. Hard with a three and a half month old baby anyway, but I'm surely not going to get any extra when I'm rushing about trying to be everything to everybody else. And at the end of the day my relationships with my husband and kids suffer if I've got no energy left for them after being there for everyone else. And that's not cool because they are my loves, my legacy, my lifes work and my joy.

 

This is hard for me, because I love people - I love my friends, I love to be there for people, especially those who are lonely. It's either how God made me and is my heart, or it's a result of my upbringing - either way, it's not natural for me to be able to ignore a need. 

I'm having to learn - every need is not necessarily mine to fix or fill. Sometimes prayer is the best thing you can offer. If your family don't get your time or attention when they need it, don't offer it to others until they do. Sometimes peoples feelings might get hurt but if your heart is in the right place then they will understand, if they actually are your friend. Sometimes it is okay to be alone. It is good to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it is okay to say no, and not give a reason why.

So I'm aiming to be average. I can't bring the Very Poor or Below Average areas in my life up unless I bring some of the others down. I'm really, really sorry about that. Does this mean you can no longer depend on me? I think it probably does. Please depend on God instead. He can do so much more than I can. He is a better friend, mentor, and life-giver than I. Way way WAY better! How prideful of me to try to get in there and do his work. Sorry, Jesus. 

And yet I can hear some people say "So Sarah, this is all well and good, but it's still about you DO-ing. What about BE-ing?" Yep, I get that. That's what I'm trying at. I guess this is just a practical way of assessing my life. If I make it clear what I'm heading towards, perhaps people will be able to accept the times I want to just BE. To just sit outside under a tree with my kids. To just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. To just listen to my husband talk. 

Thanks for reading, and for being in my life. I feel the need to apologise and ask forgiveness - but let me say this - none of us, you or I, should ever have to apologise for wanting to be healthier, and happier, and more whole. None of us. So I won't apologise. I will just say to you, Onwards, on your own journey. Go and find God. Go and find Yourself. Go and find freedom. Find life. Discover your future. Live long and prosper... (hang on, is that Star Trek? I got lost there). I think I may need to go rent Pocahontas again...

xx Sarah 

P.S: I plan to do a post or two next about the good books I've read while I was away, and other light-hearted things. I just felt the need to get this one off my chest first.

A rant about teen girls mags and Bella

So this is the latest "Girlfriend" magazine, with Lea Michele from Glee in her undies. Great, isn't it? Doesn't it just make you so happy? Especially when you know that Girlfriend's target audience is 12-17 year old girls.
I'm being sarcastic, in case you hadn't guessed it. I had to rent this from the library because I couldn't bear to pay money for it. I have got to say, what is up with this pose, as well?! You see it too often. Tina Francis from SheLovesMagazine wrote an awesome write up about this for her column, which I loved, where she uses the example of Beyonce: "Take Beyonce’s music video “Run the World” for example. Ms. Knowles is singing about female empowerment on all fours in front of a car... How does a woman living in today’s world define “dignity” when the media tells us we are most appreciated on our knees, half-dressed, preferably in front of an automobile."
And the thing that really bugs me is that these 12-17 year old girls are going to be posing just like Miss Lea Michele on their facebook pages and their cellphones, with no idea of the implications. The state of our world and the trashy messages our girls are sent just makes me feel sick to my stomach.
We accept so much of what we see in magazines, on screen, in music videos and on t shirts and in advertisements without question. How much of it is shaping our perceptions of ourselves? A lot, in my opinion. There are a lot of shows that I just can't watch more than 5 minutes of without feeling terrible about myself and angry at the world. All the Top Model shows, for example. (I know that many of you love them so won't agree.) Glee, is another one. Loved the singing, hated the content, hated how it made me feel, and just had to give it up.
I'm not sure what the makers of the standard teen girl mags are thinking when they produce some of this content. Perhaps they think they are giving girls what they want - that girls know all about sex anyway and are obsessed with getting boyfriends, therefore they need to cater to that with their content and the way they word the answers to their questions. Read the "advice" columns in these magazines, you'll get advice all right - a manual about sex. While they often tell girls that you shouldn't have sex until you are ready, they don't go into enough detail or enough of the WHY. There's no talk of emotional consequences, and the amount of information they give makes it seem like getting into a sexual relationship in your early and mid teens is so normal. Oh, and another cringe factor - one of the "guys we love" in this months issue is an actor from the tv show "The Almighty Johnsons", from the makers of Outrageous Fortune - a show with unbelievably explicit content. I think I might have to throw my television out the window when my girl turns 12. No, I say that flippantly - but I will be watching what she watches and talking about it with her.
Anyway. There is hope. Hope in the form of Bella magazine. Bella is produced in Australia by an amazing group of women from Toowomba, Queensland, and is an alternative to these other girls mags, aimed at 13-19 year old girls. We have the rights here in New Zealand to make our own version of it, and I'm excited for the day when that becomes a reality. Bella is not a Christian magazine, (though those of us who are behind it are Christians), it is something any girl will relate to. But it gives a much more balanced view of the issues and questions that girls have, and is all about helping girls realise their unique value, strength and purpose. With Bella we say that girls are valuable, are worthwhile, just because of who they are - just because they exist. Not because of anything they can do or offer a man, not because of their looks or their body, not if they meet a list of expectations: skinny enough, popular enough, well-dressed enough. Just.Because.You.Are.You.
I love this answer in the latest Bella when a girl writes about how she hates herself, and asks how she can keep her sense of value. "Every girl is beautiful! Bella believes that you are beautiful and we want you to believe you are beautiful, awesome, precious and have worth - not just some of the time but ALL of the time. If people are mean to you, then they are not your friends. You deserve better than that, and you don't need to allow people to be mean to you. It may seem like a hard thing to leave your group and meet some new friends, but if they mostly make you feel bad and hate yourself, then that is wrong of them. That is not how friends act. You don't need to be surrounded by a big group of people to realise how beautiful and amazing you are. Sometimes just one friend is all that is needed to realise the truth and to help you like yourself." (from Bella Summer 2011/2012)
We are just at the beginning of the journey with Bella, so please if you like what you hear then get involved. Find our Facebook page and follow us on Twitter, and buy a subscription!
There are many things in my life that I love and are passionate about at the moment, and Bella is one of them, so I felt I needed to write about it. I hope it's inspired someone.
And speaking of things that are inspiring me, I got given "Lioness Arising" by Lisa Bevere for my birthday, and I just loved this on the first page:

YES. YES. YES.
xx Sarah