Holiness, Worship, and the Refiners Fire

I was in my car yesterday listening to a CD that my husband was given for his birthday, "Passion 2013". Our kids have this irritating/cute habit of only wanting the "really REALLY FAST songs" so we don't often get to listen to all the tracks on albums these days.
In any case, I think I just had the baby in the car, and a track came on called "My Delight is in You". I wasn't listening too hard, but then towards the end the song morphed into an old song from my passionate youth. I sung this as a teen worship leader in the Baptist church during the heights of a movement of the Spirit in the late 90's, and hearing it I just felt... I don't know. Confused. Overwhelmed. Nostalgic. Yearning?


The song is called "Refiners Fire" and she sings the chorus which says:

Refiners Fire, My hearts one desire,

Is to be Holy, Set apart for You Lord

I choose to be Holy, Set apart for You my Master

Ready to do Your will

 As I listen to the rest of the Passion song, the lyrics say "Holiness is my desire / Purify, burn in me / Come and make me clean / You refine me in your Fire"

I remember singing those lyrics, so earnest, so naive. Believing that somehow in myself, I could be holy. I could by my devotion and dedication, somehow be set apart for God, for marvellous works for Him. That I was loved, treasured, and wanted because of my desire to be Holy. That God looked down on us singing those words and we were close to him because of this sort of doctrine, for lack of a better word, of Do Christianity Well, and God Will Make Stuff Amazing For You. It was so real to me. And I write this with tears running down my cheeks, because still as I listen to those words, even though the narrative of my life hasn't turned out as I believed 20 years ago, there is something inside me that still wants this. To be Holy. Set apart for You, Lord.

I don't consider myself a bible scholar, by any stretch of the imagination, so when I read those lyrics I feel sometimes lost because I don't know where they come from, what the context is, is it scriptural - what does it even mean to be holy?

I looked it up and found this verse from Zechariah 13, verse 9 onwards:

"In the whole land", declares the Lord, "two-thirds will be struck down and perish; yet one third will be left in it.  This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them, I will say, "They are my people", and they will say, "The Lord is our God".

 When I look at my life, from the years of 13 to 32 - (Am I 32? Or 33? I forget and need to ask my mother) - I think those first 10 years of 13 to 23 were just a blur of heady, emotional, earnest and yet completely blind church and christian culture obsession but also God obsession. I have been through periods of thinking I was a fool, and feeling deeply embarrassed by the heights and depths of my emotions in my relationship with God - especially as I was a worship leader during these years, almost every Sunday from when I was 15 onwards - yet I have come to accept that actually, while perhaps I was young and naive, everything I said and did was heartfelt. The way things appeared genuinely was the way that things were. So while I think sometimes my earnest and black-and-white approach to my faith sometimes rode roughshod over people and their unique circumstances, I didn't intend harm. And in fact I probably did do some good.

But when I think of from 22 to now... and I think of that verse in Zechariah... and I hear those lyrics. I'm really just processing it as I write... (as when else do you have a chance? As a mum of 3 littlies). I think I was dumped into the fire. Along with many of my closest friends. And I had plenty of moments where I felt like I called on God's name and he didn't answer.

But He did. I am still here. And this year I feel like He has spoken to me more than in any of the years previous. As I enter a new decade in this journey of faith, I am profoundly grateful for the presence of God in my life, for what he has taught me, for where he continues to lead me. For who he has made me to be by putting me through the fire. By testing me. For I know He is with me. I have never been both more in love with Jesus, and more useless in terms of the "Good Christian Stuff I Should Be Doing". In doing nothing, in failing at every attempt I could make to be "holy", to be a "Good Christian" on my own, I have found my Jesus. I have found my relationship with God again, 20 years on. In the empty space, in my own lack, in my own weakness, God has revealed himself to me.

I still don't think I really know what it means to be holy. I could pontificate on this a while longer but I'm just listening to that song over and over and thinking... it's enough really. It's never us that does the work, it is never our responsibility, we can never be holy of our own accord... all we can do is love.

Here I am, open arms

Draw me close to Your heart

You're my life, You're my refuge

My delight is in You

Harmony and Peace-making

Anyone who says they automatically get on with everyone is lying.
None of us, even the most kind and loving nun-like people out there, will find it easy to "like" everyone we meet. Most of the time we're going to clash, aren't we.
And then there are the times that things just turn sour. A friendship goes bad, a relationship breaks up, words get spoken, hurt occurs. Try liking that person. Not so easy. Then try forgiving them. Really hard.
I'm pondering all this stuff in relation to churches and christians and how on earth we are meant to be the light of the world when we look exactly like everybody else. If it were possible to stick hidden cameras inside the living rooms of all the christians and tape us for a week I bet we'd be pretty horrified. It makes me so sad.
Now, let me make it quite clear - I'm not bagging about my particular church. I looooovvvveee my church with all it's reality and imperfections, all of us together with our hurts and our joys and our dreams. This post isn't a finger pointing exercise. 
I'm not sitting here on a high horse pretending I'm perfect. But I am trying. And that's what I want for us as the church of God, the bride of Christ, His people, His children. To at least make an honest, heart-felt attempt at doing the stuff we're told to do in the word. Rather than perhaps exhausting our energy talking about everyone else we've decided has got it wrong.
I'm really sorry if this is a downer, that's not really my intention. If I could preach a sermon this week it'd be on peace-making. I remember reading in the last few months somewhere, that peace-making involves conflict, and confrontation. Sometimes to be a peacemaker is to disrupt the "peace". Especially if the peace is fake.
I've been trawling through the new testament tonight and there is verse, after verse, after verse telling us what we need to do as Christians, as the church. They are so beautiful. Such an incredibly amazing picture of the potential we have.
Here goes:

"I beg you to live a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together in peace." Ephesians 4:1-3

"May the Lord make your love grow and overflow to each other and to everyone else, just as our love overflows toward you." 1 Thessalonians 3:12

"I pray that your love for each other will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in your knowledge and understanding." Phillippians 1:9

"Make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other , loving one another, and working together with one heart and purpose." Phillippians 2: 2

"My goal is that they will be encouraged and knit together by strong ties of love." Colossians 2:2

"You must make allowances for one anothers faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you , so you must forgive others. And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony. And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are all called to live in peace. And always be thankful." Colossians 3:13-15

"But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no partiality and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of goodness." James 3: 17&18

"So get rid of all malicious behaviour and deceit. Don't just pretend to be good! Be done with hypocrisy and jealousy and backstabbing" 1 Peter 2:1

"All of you should be of one mind, full of sympathy toward each other, loving one another with tender hearts and humble minds. Don't repay evil for evil. Don't retaliate when people say unkind things about you. instead pay them back with a blessing." 1 Peter 3:8&9

"If anyone says "I am living in the light," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is still living in darkness." 1 John 2:9

"If someone says "I love God," but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar, for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen? And God himself has commanded that we must love not only him but our Christian brohters and sisters too". 1 John 4:20&21

"Dear children, let us stop just saying we love each other; let us really show it by our actions." 1 John 3:18

"Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." Romans 12:9&10

"If people persecute you because you are a Christian, don't curse them; pray that God will bless them. When others are happy, be happy with them. If they are sad, share their sorrow.  Live in harmony with each other." Romans 12:14&15

"Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible." Romans 12:18

"Stop arguing among yourselves. Let there be real harmony so there won't be divisons in the church. I plead with you to be of one mind, united in thought and purpose". 1 Corinthians 1:10

"And everything you do must be done with love" 1 Corinthians 16:14

It's just heart-breakingly, breath-takingly, unbelievably beautiful. I want to be a part of that so much. A couple of years ago I had a revelation, sometimes it's not enough to just forgive. Sometimes you need to move beyond forgiveness into love. Is it easy? No. But when you trust God, when you know yourself held in his arms, loved unconditionally, and you know that he wants what is best for you... then he will give you the courage to risk it all and forgive, and forgive again. And as Joyce Meyer says, do it for yourself. Set yourself free. Let God be the judge, and quit trying to deal out the punishment on your own.
I ponder these things, and I feel a knot in my stomach, and I try to figure out how on earth we make this fit into our church boxes and our little Christian worlds...

God, change my heart, turn my world upside down, make us reflect You... in harmony, at peace, full of love. Amen.

A new favourite song:



xx Sarah

Stuff that is inspiring me at the moment

I am feeling happy tonight, so I am going to share the things that are making me feel happy. Because, shucks, let's make the most of it aye?
Firstly some lovely magazines. Arriving in the mail today was my issue of Mollie Makes and it was as good as I'd hoped! It's nice when high expectations are deserved.

There are so many pages of inspiring crafty yumminess, that I can't believe they manage to do this every month.

And I am so making my own grassy green lawn for my desk:

And I bought Jamie magazine at the supermarket yesterday too. The frozen yoghurt layer cake on the front looks amazing and I am definitely going to try it for summer barbeques with friends.

There is a fun article on picnic food with some very cool kids costumes made from cardboard:

I'm still totally obsessed and addicted to PInterest too. For anyone who hasn't discovered its joy yet, it is an online pinboard or scrapbook of sorts. You create categories, and organise all the inspiring images you find in life and on the net. You can take pictures from the app on your phone while you're out and about, you can use it's "pin" tool when you're surfing the net, and you can just look at everyone elses boards and repin their pins too. Here are some of my favourites from my boards:

Plus some beautiful garden ideas and interior design inspiration:

And cute stuff for the kids!

I've been following Elizabeth Esther on twitter, but only just finally got around to reading her blog and have had such a good giggle this afternoon. She kept mentioning her personality type (ENFP) and I got extremely curious, so took an online test. Surprise, surprise, I am an ENFP too. No wonder I identified so much with her posts, in particular "How an ENFP cleans house" and "I'm a slacker for Jesus".
And I'm loving watching Nigella Bites on TV on tuesday nights. I love her style. And I'm loving how young she is! Which isn't some kind of ageist comment, I love her most recent stuff too, but still - it's entertaining.

And to end on a more serious note, in the weekend I went to a seminar here in Wanganui with guest speaker Letitia Shelton. Letitia is the CEO of City Women in Toowoomba, Australia, an organisation that is having an incredible impact on their city. She describes part of her job as "lighting fires underneath Christians" and that is what she did. For those of us who attended it was a radical wake-up call. She was blunt yet hilarious, depressing yet incredibly uplifting at the same time. Some of the points that have hit home for me the most are:

• The girls in your city are your daughters, and you need to think of them as such - fight for them, believe in them, love them, risk everything for them.
• The sex slave trade doesn't just exist overseas in countries like Cambodia and Africa, it exists here in our countries with magazines like Cosmopolitan that are ensuring our girls grow up believing they are only valuable for what they can do for men, what they look like, how sexy they are, and how thin they are. People of faith need to stand up and fight this rubbish.
• We need to stop trying to get people into our churches and instead we need to take church out to the people.
• You can be a pastor of your city not just a pastor of a church.
• We need each other. Different denominations must come together, different ages must work together. A city in trouble needs a city wide ministry, one church cannot do it alone. We have so much to offer each other. 
• Courage. Do it afraid. The church has been breeding nice women - we've become like robots, like the Stepford wives! There needs to be more dangerous women in the church - women like Rahab, Esther, Deborah. Take risks, speak up, FIGHT. And hooray, she found the quote I mentioned in my post about sisterhood, which is from Matthew Arnold:

"If ever there comes a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known."

Don't I believe it. I feel overwhelmed and burdened by what I've heard this weekend. There is so much need. I have so many ideas, and I have no idea where to start. I feel in my heart encouraged and strengthened by the group of women that were there. I know that they feel exactly as I do, and in that knowledge I will sleep soundly (well, as soundly as it is as possible to sleep when there's a wriggly 1 year old next to you).

xx Sarah

Friendship and Sisterhood

Today I shared at the mothers group I run at our church, called Flourish, about friendships. I wanted to post it here as well because this topic is weighing heavily on me at the moment. Not necessarily in a bad way, but perhaps because I need to be obedient and "go there" with a topic which others might find uncomfortable. And I feel pretty vulnerable doing so. So here goes! 

Generally as a rule I think friendships are often made around common interests or hobbies. This year has been interesting for me because my closest girlfriend moved to England. The closeness of our friendship is based around a number of factors: I’ve known her for the longest time out of my Wanganui friends – we met a year before we moved here and when we did move here we lived with them for 3 weeks before they bought their house, then we took their flat; our husbands had been casual friends for a good 5 years before that; we were a similar age and at the same stage in life – bought houses at the same time, had babies around the same time; and then the winning combination of a love of food and a love of books meant that it was easy for us to be close. And of course Karen loved to do nothing. I also love to do nothing. I have discovered that my closest friends over the years have also loved to do nothing. I’m a sit on the couch with a cup of tea, read a magazine, have a chat kind of girl. I find it easiest to be friends with people who are the same. Perhaps we sort of gravitate towards each other… a laziness sensor must go off or something! But in terms of friendship it was also a friendship built around the very deepest things. Karen had the courage to call me out at a time when I was hiding behind huge emotional brick walls. She was the only person to notice and the only person who cared enough to say something and because she did, and because I was touched by her thoughtfulness, and God helped me to choose to move forward rather than pull back, we had a very deep friendship based around the biggest secrets of our lives and the deepest spiritual discussions. 

Friendships like that are wonderful. But I don’t think we can expect to get that kind of friendship with anyone and everyone we know. Sometimes we just don’t click with people. Sometimes we have absolutely nothing in common and find we struggle to find anything to talk about. I do believe that when we feel this way however it's important to pray, to ask God to help us learn to love that person and to help us find common ground. But sometimes it’s just more surface than that – we are in a different time of life, a different circle of friends, we don’t live close or our age is vastly different. And this is where I want to talk about Sisterhood.
I don’t have any sisters, I have one brother and we weren’t close until our mid to late teens. So friends have always ended up sort of becoming family to me. My two best friends in high school had two sisters each and I loved being able to make myself at home in their homes and listen to them fight and scrap and feel their hurts and celebrate their joys.
And I think that actually for us as women, especially Christian women, we need Sisters even more than we might need friends.
When I look around just my own church I see a lot of very different yet very beautiful women, all with strengths and stories, and I think, Wow, the things we could do if we would UNITE. There is a quote I read online a while ago but I couldn’t find again, that said something like that if women would unite together towards a cause, Sisterhood would be the most powerful force to shake the earth – and I agree. I know that at a conference recently that some church friends went to (called EquipHer), Lisa Bevere spoke and said that “men compare to spur eachother on, women compare to bring each other down”. And to be honest, I’m getting tired of it. I don’t want to in any way minimise anyones hurt or make light of any issues that exist for anyone at all. But I do think there comes a point in our lives where we need to decide to stop looking sideways and instead look straight ahead.

What I mean by that is this: too often I have been paralysed from doing anything helpful or constructive because I have been insecure and paranoid about what other people think of me – mainly, other women. And I have been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer's podcasts this year, and have been struck by how often she talks about unforgiveness and grudge holding. The point she makes that when we don’t forgive we only hurt ourselves. More often than not the other person is perfectly fine. We are the ones that are miserable and angry and torn up inside. When we forgive we do it for ourselves, we do it so we can move on, so we can be free.
So I’m making some definitions of a Sister that I think we can learn from in our relationships with eachother. The girls laughed at me this morning - we decided that perhaps this is my concoction of a fantasy ideal of what a sister is, combined with my observations of actual sisters, and my thoughts on what it is to be a spiritual sister.

• If your sister is broke you lend her money if you’ve got it. You cook her meals. You help her out. You let her move in (even if it’s reluctantly).
• A sister might have stolen your boyfriend/clothes/barbie 10 or 20 years ago but you didn’t stop talking to her for her life – you had a big row then you got over it because she’s your sister and you love her.
• A sister is the one you call when you really feel like life is falling apart. You know you can trust her not to report you to the authorities or to tell anyone else.
• A sister will celebrate with you when you succeed, will feel your highs like they’re her own.
• When you ask your sister to pray for you she will, and she will check in again the next day to see how you are.
• You can not see your sister for weeks but when you do again it’s like nothings changed.
• You care if someone hurts your sister, Most of the time you want to hurt them back.
• Other people know NEVER to bad-mouth your sister in front of you, because she is your sister and you will defend her whether she is in the right or not.
• When you hear a rumour about your sister you don’t believe it, you ask her first, or you don’t bother because you know your sister.
• You don’t share your sisters news and feelings with other people because she is your sister and you trust each other.
• When you are hurt your sister is hurt. When you are happy your sister is happy. When you are nervous your sister is nervous for you. 
• Your relationship with your sister may not be perfect. You may not agree with all her choices, her hairstyle, her outfits, or her friends – but when she needs you, you’re there, and she for you.   

We aren’t all going to be best friends. But I believe we need to be sisters. Today in writing this I'm trying to encourage you. Let's find a group of women who we are in community with - be it at a church, a mothers group, in your neighbourhood and start the Sisterhood journey. I'm saying to the beautiful women in my church: I care for you all, I’m here for you, I will pray for you if you ask. It doesn’t matter if we don’t spend a lot of time together, you can know that I will still be your sister. I think that it’s time to speak truth, to put down our defenses, to choose to never speak ill of one another or to tolerate it in others. If there’s deep grievances or issues between us and our girlfriends let’s start the journey towards healing those, for our own sake as much as anyone elses. I need sisters. I need people I can trust. I need companionship. I need help sometimes. 

If women unite, we will be an unstoppable force, and it can start small: in one mothers group, one neighbourhood, one church.

I know I may have stirred up some uncomfortable things today and I'm not asking you to necessarily agree with me on it all, but I do ask you to think on it and to pray on it. For too long women have been known to be petty, cruel and malicious. It’s time to turn that around. We are nurturers, mothers, life givers, servers, encouragers and inspirers (yes I’m making up a word!) We are sisters. Let’s start today. I’m choosing to and I hope that you will choose with me.

xx Sarah

Note: These thoughts are inspired by Idelette and SheLovesMagazine.com and their amazing manifesto.

Church, community, and 3 boxes of groceries.

Recently I had a message from a friend – not a really close friend, but not just an acquaintance, certainly someone who I like a lot and intend to call more than I actually do… in any case, a few years ago at church we were making meals for people once a fortnight on a Wednesday morning. Either people from church who were sick, had new babies or were just having a hard time, or if anyone knew anyone from the community we’d make meals for them too. We made a meal for this friend when she was pregnant with her 2^nd child and studying. She wrote me this message and wrote some very special things about how she felt at the time, that she would “never forget the kindness and feeling of support when you showed up with dinner and bikkies for us”. It's amazing how the small things and the practical things make a big difference. She then asked for help for a friend who was struggling. A single mum with 3 kids who has “hit rock bottom emotionally and financially”.

I’m characteristically soft and tend to lean towards wanting to help and save everyone anyway… but this one really got to me. I think because I get quite upset when I hear about not just the physical and practical consequences of the bad stuff that goes down for so many people, but the emotional and spiritual toll it takes on them.

So I sent out a message to about 20 friends from church, I asked if they could buy 1 extra grocery item in their shop that week. I was picturing giving her a small to medium size box of treats. The kinds of things that just make life that little bit nicer – chocolate biscuits, shampoo, body wash, tea and coffee. When you’re really hard up it’s always a choice what you leave out, and with 3 kids I bet she was always at the end of the list when it came to doing the weekly groceries.

Not only did people respond, but they responded BIG time. Not everyone who I got in touch with was able to help, (and this is absolutely not about making anyone feel guilty or stink for not participating because I would never EVER want anyone to feel that way), but 10 people were able to help, and they bought entire bags of things. Blocks of chocolate, biscuits, juice, chippies, gift packs of lotions and shampoos, breakfast cereals, canned chicken, pasta, cash. It was just beautiful. I ended up with one huge box and 2 medium boxes.

When I went over to this woman’s house I had initially a bag with 2 meals and some baking, which she accepted incredibly gratefully. But when I bought in the first box she just stopped in her tracks and shook her head and said “No, no, I can’t accept this – I can’t!” I of course refused to listen, convinced her that there were many of us and that these things had been bought especially for her because we care, at which point she cried and put her head in her hands. I managed to remember to ask if I could give her a hug before I hugged her (always key to not looking like too much of a freak). I showed her a flyer which had our churches number on it, told her she could call if she needed more. She said she would when she “got her s**t together”.

Then she started talking about how she had been doing a parenting course recently, and they had discussed that when things were hard they were, in a way, that much harder because there is no sense of community anymore. That it was amazing how I had these friends and we could pull together to do this, to help someone and each other – but for her she was all alone, she had no one, and it was too hard.

I completely agree with her. In our middle class, first world lives we have gotten extremely accustomed to doing everything alone. We raise our children by ourselves, we don’t know our neighbours very well anymore, there’s not even as much lending and borrowing going on as perhaps there would have been 30 years ago. We have organizations like Plunket and we have the government, people that are trying hard to look out for those on the margins but at the same time telling them to “Get a real job” and that if they budget effectively they can live perfectly well on a benefit. There’s only so much those organizations can do.
The government can’t be your friend. Plunket can’t come over and have a cup of tea with you while you pour your heart out. None of these places can give us the long-term, constant support that you need when life throws the worst it’s got at you – and that happens to all of us.

This is where I believe in the Church. Not just my particular church, the one I attend in Wanganui with the people I care for and that care for me – but the Church as a body, as God’s bride, as a whole – worldwide, every denomination. The Church is the community that the world (as a generalisation – some of you may live in wonderful, supportive neighbourhoods) lacks. The lovely lady that I had the privelege to help had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. Luckily she had one supportive friend who knew she was in over her head, and she knew me, and knew we would help. Of everything that happened in this experience it is that fact that most warms my heart. She KNEW the church would help. She’s not a Christian. She’s not churchy. I’ve never invited her to anything. Yet she knew we would help. Thank you, God.

After all the years I spent singing, playing music, performing, leading, doing items and doing all other manner of creative stuff in churches it is the year of cooking meals in the kitchen with a group of friends that has taught me the most about myself, about Church, about community and about how to show love to a hurting world.

Let’s not get so caught up in the doing of a church “service” and the programs and activities that we run, that we miss our chance to be the hands and feet of a God who cares about the hungry, the poor, the hurting and the lonely.
xx Sarah