Hello 2014! It's about time... and my One Word.

Hi everyone!

HUGE big long absence from me, I'm sorry not sorry, I've been busy having a lovely summer off and doing things like below:

We had a blissful holiday away camping this year. Shocking, I know. I highly recommend camping with another family with smallish kids, if you've got smallish kids. It really was a pleasure. It helps if they're lovely people too, which ours were. Hooray!

Since then it's been the hard work of settling back into life, and actually trying to do some things to make life run a bit more smoothly around here. These things take time, and to be honest I don't know how I will manage blogging and doing creative things alongside running a home and being a wife and mother. It's a juggling act and any hopes of blogging with any sort of regularity or scheduled timetable is probably unrealistic for me in this stage of life.

Last year my One Word for the year was Rest. (You can read about the whole One Word thing here, if you're interested - I'm too exhausted to explain it.) (Ha.) I needed that word. It was very, very good that I chose a word to fall back on, to focus me, to remind me of what and who I needed to be and do that year.

I feel like I learned a lot last year, and I have some regrets and some lessons I'd like to allow to change me. It was good to learn to rest. I needed to know that I did not need to have a social engagement on every single day of the week, morning and afternoon. It was excellent to cull that right back. It was good to learn to take holidays and be intentional about scheduling them in. It was good to not just say YES to everything I felt excited about, or had a heart for, and instead to say No, because saying No meant saying Yes to resting.

But the result of saying No a lot, and to staying home a lot, and to not being social, is that I did unintentionally cut myself off from people a little. I didn't make as much effort as I had hoped in some special friendships. There are people in my life who I wish I'd given a little more attention to, or made an attempt to sacrifice a bit of me time in order to have a bit of us time. I got a little lonely and isolated without intending to.

So in praying and pondering a word for this year, I'd like to announce:

Share.

Not in the social media sense. I hope that this one-word will not mean that I share what I eat for dinner every night on facebook. (It won't, don't worry)

In 2014 I'd like to let people in. To share my life with others. To share my heart. To share my faith. And to share what I have.

In practical terms so far this will hopefully mean having more people around the table for meals in my home; being more intentional about connecting with girlfriends I love and having meaningful conversation with them; continuing to be in my community in my kids schools and kindergarten, talking and listening and being myself; and being open to sharing the things that God lays on my heart to anyone who wants to listen or to whoever seems right.

This will take bravery and courage on my part. It will also take good boundaries and a good dose of Godly security in myself. It will take regular time with God to be full enough to be able to overflow for others. And it is important that I share first with my husband and children, the absolute most important people in my world.

How about anyone else? Did you choose a one-word?
(As an aside, I find it easier to comment on Blogger if I have a Gmail account and I'm signed in before I start to write. Otherwise for some weird and completely irritating reason, my comment disappears. I'm sorry it's not more user friendly. I may switch to another provider at some stage if I can get my head around it!)

xx Sarah

Currently reading: Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life - Shauna Niequist. An altar in the world - Barbara Brown Taylor. The In-between - Jeff Goins. Homestyle magazine.

Currently listening to: The Art of Simple Podcast, Home - Kim Walker and Skyler Smith.

Currently watching: Doctor Who Season 3, the new Big Bang Theory, NCIS season 4 and the new season, Kirsties Vintage Home.

Jesus made a feminist out of me

When I first began to venture into the world of the internet for more than just checking email, I started with Twitter - figuring that I could follow pastors, Christian people I'd heard of and see if they had anything interesting to say. Some people don't really have anything interesting to say, (and some should really refrain from tweeting during presidential elections - pet peeve), but others generously and strategically use their online presence to connect people to amazing, wonderful things. 
I followed Helen Burns, as a pastor from a big overseas church that I didn't know too much about - and she linked to this: the SheLoves Magazine manifesto, written by Idelette McVicker. The words stirred something in my heart and began a chapter in my faith walk which has changed me for the better. 
Through reading SheLoves Magazine, I stumbled across Sarah Bessey. She wrote monthly on parenting. Cut to my current crazy fan-girl mad state.  I LOVE Sarah's writing, her cute instagram pictures, her book recommendations - plus she's a Whovian (we got into it at the same time), she is a beautifully gentle parent, her daughter loves to make art to raise money for a good cause, she likes to eat and talk and love and laugh and she doesn't apologize for being different.
Kindred Spirit. (She also loves Anne of Green Gables and would totally get that reference).
Sarah Bessey has written a book called "Jesus Feminist" which my husband IS going to order from overseas for me for Christmas. I must tell him this. She's been doing a synchroblog and this is my small puzzle piece to add.

I'm not a scholar or a theologian. I didn't study women's issues at university. I may not be "qualified" to add to this conversation. But when I think about this quote "Jesus made a feminist out of me" I remember that I don't have to begin everything with an apology for what I am not.

Over the last ten years I have left home, got married and had children, moved town and left friends and been forced to make new ones, and my journey with Jesus has been one that has taken me through the wilderness and the desert and then out into lush open fields and stormy seas. I have had times where I thought of myself of being capable of nothing, nothing at all. Where I looked in the mirror and didn't recognise myself. Where I felt totally empty when I thought about God.

I remember in one of those moments, maybe 8 years ago, being on holiday with my husband and having a God-encounter at dinner with an old friend and one of her friends - two true Jesus feminists. Pizza and conversation turned into prayer and tears as one of them, Emily, prayed over me and spoke the words "Arise, Arise!"

Jesus calls the feminist in me out of hiding. Jesus tells me to no longer stand behind my husband, quiet in his shadow, where it may feel safe and I am not noticed. Jesus has gently and compellingly beckoned my true nature out from behind the walls I built up, and he tells me that I have a part to play. I have a story to tell. I have a song to sing. I have paint to put to canvas, I have ideas and opinions and thoughts that need to be spoken.

To be a feminist is to consider that "women are people, too", by Sarah Bessey's definition.
Sometimes without even realising it, we rank ourselves lower or less important than our husbands or other significant men in our life, for whatever reason - whether it's money, or position, or a vague sense of who "should" make the decisions. I would urge you to re-think those beliefs, if you have them, and to listen to the voice of the Spirit inside of you. God is not just man, but woman - we are both created in his image, male and female. When we deny women the right to speak, or we decide not to speak and bring our thoughts to the conversation, people will only see half of who God is. We need to see the whole. We need to hear the whole heart of God, male and female. We need to read books by men and women, have men and women speaking at our conferences, have men and women leading in our churches and our workplaces. We are best when we are together, each giving the other equal opportunity to share, and valuing each other's input even when we don't understand it. This is the kingdom of God. Beautiful, diverse, messy, passionate and glorious, and full of voices calling out the life God has placed inside them.

I had a word over me earlier this year that God had placed living things inside of me, precious living things, and that I would have to birth them like I birth a child - painful and without much control over the timing. But that God was my midwife and he aid, guide, protect and assist me as a midwife would while I labour.

I'm thankful God is all things. Male and female, midwife, mother, teacher, queen and king. And I'm thankful that Jesus made a feminist out of me and calls me, still, to Arise.

xx Sarah

Holiness, Worship, and the Refiners Fire

I was in my car yesterday listening to a CD that my husband was given for his birthday, "Passion 2013". Our kids have this irritating/cute habit of only wanting the "really REALLY FAST songs" so we don't often get to listen to all the tracks on albums these days.
In any case, I think I just had the baby in the car, and a track came on called "My Delight is in You". I wasn't listening too hard, but then towards the end the song morphed into an old song from my passionate youth. I sung this as a teen worship leader in the Baptist church during the heights of a movement of the Spirit in the late 90's, and hearing it I just felt... I don't know. Confused. Overwhelmed. Nostalgic. Yearning?


The song is called "Refiners Fire" and she sings the chorus which says:

Refiners Fire, My hearts one desire,

Is to be Holy, Set apart for You Lord

I choose to be Holy, Set apart for You my Master

Ready to do Your will

 As I listen to the rest of the Passion song, the lyrics say "Holiness is my desire / Purify, burn in me / Come and make me clean / You refine me in your Fire"

I remember singing those lyrics, so earnest, so naive. Believing that somehow in myself, I could be holy. I could by my devotion and dedication, somehow be set apart for God, for marvellous works for Him. That I was loved, treasured, and wanted because of my desire to be Holy. That God looked down on us singing those words and we were close to him because of this sort of doctrine, for lack of a better word, of Do Christianity Well, and God Will Make Stuff Amazing For You. It was so real to me. And I write this with tears running down my cheeks, because still as I listen to those words, even though the narrative of my life hasn't turned out as I believed 20 years ago, there is something inside me that still wants this. To be Holy. Set apart for You, Lord.

I don't consider myself a bible scholar, by any stretch of the imagination, so when I read those lyrics I feel sometimes lost because I don't know where they come from, what the context is, is it scriptural - what does it even mean to be holy?

I looked it up and found this verse from Zechariah 13, verse 9 onwards:

"In the whole land", declares the Lord, "two-thirds will be struck down and perish; yet one third will be left in it.  This third I will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name, and I will answer them, I will say, "They are my people", and they will say, "The Lord is our God".

 When I look at my life, from the years of 13 to 32 - (Am I 32? Or 33? I forget and need to ask my mother) - I think those first 10 years of 13 to 23 were just a blur of heady, emotional, earnest and yet completely blind church and christian culture obsession but also God obsession. I have been through periods of thinking I was a fool, and feeling deeply embarrassed by the heights and depths of my emotions in my relationship with God - especially as I was a worship leader during these years, almost every Sunday from when I was 15 onwards - yet I have come to accept that actually, while perhaps I was young and naive, everything I said and did was heartfelt. The way things appeared genuinely was the way that things were. So while I think sometimes my earnest and black-and-white approach to my faith sometimes rode roughshod over people and their unique circumstances, I didn't intend harm. And in fact I probably did do some good.

But when I think of from 22 to now... and I think of that verse in Zechariah... and I hear those lyrics. I'm really just processing it as I write... (as when else do you have a chance? As a mum of 3 littlies). I think I was dumped into the fire. Along with many of my closest friends. And I had plenty of moments where I felt like I called on God's name and he didn't answer.

But He did. I am still here. And this year I feel like He has spoken to me more than in any of the years previous. As I enter a new decade in this journey of faith, I am profoundly grateful for the presence of God in my life, for what he has taught me, for where he continues to lead me. For who he has made me to be by putting me through the fire. By testing me. For I know He is with me. I have never been both more in love with Jesus, and more useless in terms of the "Good Christian Stuff I Should Be Doing". In doing nothing, in failing at every attempt I could make to be "holy", to be a "Good Christian" on my own, I have found my Jesus. I have found my relationship with God again, 20 years on. In the empty space, in my own lack, in my own weakness, God has revealed himself to me.

I still don't think I really know what it means to be holy. I could pontificate on this a while longer but I'm just listening to that song over and over and thinking... it's enough really. It's never us that does the work, it is never our responsibility, we can never be holy of our own accord... all we can do is love.

Here I am, open arms

Draw me close to Your heart

You're my life, You're my refuge

My delight is in You

I want to be average

Funny title, huh.

I've spent 10 days on holiday, which has been amazing but actually more than that it has just been necessary. I was on the verge of losing.it. Whatever "it" is.

So, as you do whilst on holiday, I spent some time reevaluating. And that's what has inspired the title of this post - wanting to be average.

Perhaps it's because we just did the census here in New Zealand and I'm in survey mode. But in any case I was thinking about surveys and those ones where you are asked to evaluate the person or performance on a scale - with average in the middle and then below average, very poor, above average, and outstanding on either side.

I am aware that as a person I am out of balance. And that some of the things that I am below average on and above average on, are robbing from other things, or adding to other things, and it's having a bad effect on me.

I made a survey and thought I'd put it here - I've circled my answers. (If it looks small on your screen basically very poor is on the left, average in the middle, outstanding on the right).

(Yes, I'm a dork).

For me to function as a human being and not turn into a vegetable, I need to re-order some stuff in my life. I have placed such a high value on being reliable, dependable, a good friend, saving the day, "Being Jesus", Loving Others, Serving, and doing lots of other very worthwhile things, that I've sacrificed some very basic needs of my own - for example having a shower more than once or twice a week (yes, it's embarrassing, now you know) - and also some important emotional things, like spending time with God, doing things I enjoy, and getting a bit of exercise or eating something healthier than just toast because it happens to be there and is quick. Let alone sleep. I mean, hello. Hard with a three and a half month old baby anyway, but I'm surely not going to get any extra when I'm rushing about trying to be everything to everybody else. And at the end of the day my relationships with my husband and kids suffer if I've got no energy left for them after being there for everyone else. And that's not cool because they are my loves, my legacy, my lifes work and my joy.

 

This is hard for me, because I love people - I love my friends, I love to be there for people, especially those who are lonely. It's either how God made me and is my heart, or it's a result of my upbringing - either way, it's not natural for me to be able to ignore a need. 

I'm having to learn - every need is not necessarily mine to fix or fill. Sometimes prayer is the best thing you can offer. If your family don't get your time or attention when they need it, don't offer it to others until they do. Sometimes peoples feelings might get hurt but if your heart is in the right place then they will understand, if they actually are your friend. Sometimes it is okay to be alone. It is good to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it is okay to say no, and not give a reason why.

So I'm aiming to be average. I can't bring the Very Poor or Below Average areas in my life up unless I bring some of the others down. I'm really, really sorry about that. Does this mean you can no longer depend on me? I think it probably does. Please depend on God instead. He can do so much more than I can. He is a better friend, mentor, and life-giver than I. Way way WAY better! How prideful of me to try to get in there and do his work. Sorry, Jesus. 

And yet I can hear some people say "So Sarah, this is all well and good, but it's still about you DO-ing. What about BE-ing?" Yep, I get that. That's what I'm trying at. I guess this is just a practical way of assessing my life. If I make it clear what I'm heading towards, perhaps people will be able to accept the times I want to just BE. To just sit outside under a tree with my kids. To just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. To just listen to my husband talk. 

Thanks for reading, and for being in my life. I feel the need to apologise and ask forgiveness - but let me say this - none of us, you or I, should ever have to apologise for wanting to be healthier, and happier, and more whole. None of us. So I won't apologise. I will just say to you, Onwards, on your own journey. Go and find God. Go and find Yourself. Go and find freedom. Find life. Discover your future. Live long and prosper... (hang on, is that Star Trek? I got lost there). I think I may need to go rent Pocahontas again...

xx Sarah 

P.S: I plan to do a post or two next about the good books I've read while I was away, and other light-hearted things. I just felt the need to get this one off my chest first.

The other side of the street

After my last post I began to feel a bit paranoid. I am pondering whether I have unwittingly turned into a sort of abundant-life-faith-filled-nothing-gets-me-down cheerleader, waving her christian pom poms in the air.
So time for some real-ness. Yes, I get inspired and excited in my spirit by things I read or heard, or by God stirring feelings and dreams in my heart. Yes, everything I have written in this blog so far is true. But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't also say that still, fairly regularly, I have those moments, the moments where it all feels a little... shall we say "farty" (To use Megan at Sorta Crunchy's term!).
Tonight I hark back to the days where I felt very much an observer of the "excited Christians". In those times I was not one of the excited. I was one of the ponderers, the morose, the down-and-out, the questioning, the doubters. And that is and was okay. Because that was me, it was where I was at, it was a crucial point on my journey. And the fact that I felt that way was proof that I cared. If I didn't care I would have lived however I wanted, done whatever I wanted, and forgotten about my faith. Instead I trudged. Slowly, heavily onwards through what felt like an eternity of emptiness in my soul.
It is bizarre to feel empty. To search inside and just find a blank space. To pray and talk to God yet lack any certainty at all about whether you are heard. That was me, for years. Thankfully within those years I had defining, miraculous moments, moments that I treasured. But there were also many, many more moments of heartache, disappointment, and the most common for me - the sensation of being overlooked. In second place, chosen last, in everyone's shadow, never noticed. And oh, how I grieved.
So, for those of you who identify.

For the times of unanswered prayer, the times where not only was it not answered but the opposite happened, and the opposite was an unimaginable tragedy.

For the ones who look in the mirror and can't recognise themselves.

For those who stand in line at the altar call, the prayer line, the prophesy line - and get passed over, time and time and time again.

For the mothers who haven't slept for over three, four, five months and resent the sight of every person who walks the planet who dares to say that they are tired when they have NO IDEA what tired means, no idea at all.

For the wives who watch their husbands live lives full of opportunity and purpose and long to do something, anything, "just for me", but lost themselves so long ago that they can't even think of what they would like to do.

For anyone who just got the phone call, that phone call, the one with the news you were dreading - the health update, the marriage breakdown, the death of a family member.

For the woman who sits at home alone, longing to talk to someone, longing to share her heart, desperate to be heard, who plucks up the courage to make a phone call only to be met with an uninterested tone of voice, a dial tone, a busy signal, a gruff response.

For those of us who lie in bed at night, jerked awake by the tiniest noise, terrified out of our minds about the terrors that surround us and the evil lurking in the hearts of bad men.

For anyone who thinks of their childhood and longs for things they never were able to have, and grieves for the child that just wanted to be told they were lovely, just as they were.

I see you.

And from my heart to yours, I hand you these:

"Those who believe they believe in God

but without passion in the heart, 

without anguish of mind,

without uncertainty,

without doubt,

and even at times without despair,

believe only in the idea of God, 

and not in God himself.

- Madeleine L'engle

If faith never encounters doubt, if truth never struggles with error, if good never battles with evil, how can faith know it's own power? In my own pilgrimage, if I have to choose between a faith that has stared doubt in the eye and made it blink, or a naive faith that has never known the firing line of doubt, 

I will choose the former every time   

 (Gary Parke, taken from "A Case for Faith" by Lee Strobel)

xx Sarah

P.S: If all has gone technologically to plan, you should be able to hit the play button below and listen to a song. I hope.

Hold On

Death, fear, and the promised land

Source: inspirationfeed.com via Sarah on PInterest

I have spent the last month away on "holiday" (in inverted comma's because, really, can you holiday with 2 pre-schoolers?) in Auckland and Northland. I have spent a portion of it fighting off the usual bouts of depressing mental scenarios of death and the subsequent consequences on my family and friends. If this sounds a bit morbid and mildly insane, I justify it by saying that 8 years ago I lost a very dear friend far too young on the Northland roads. She was almost 19, I was 22. My closest friend's younger sister. Her death dealt a blow to my faith and my life which I have never recovered from -and I hope I never do, because her death taught me so much and was the event which propelled me into this crazy journey from fear, anger, and doubt to discovery and a journey towards becoming more fully who God has always intended me to be. It's however an odd and unsettling thing that driving those roads, I can't help but think things that I usually manage to keep at bay.

To give a bit of background, for the 3 years after Erin's death I became, I'm not sure obsessed is the right word, but certainly overwhelmed by fear and thoughts of death. It was a horrible time (and weirdly, a wonderful time, as that year was the year my future husband and I were courting, to use an old-fashioned word, and he was a rock for me). 3 weeks after Erin died, another good friend lost a younger sister to a brain tumor - she was 15. That year we lost at least 2 family members. When you have to deal with so much grief in such a short space of time it feels like your heart has been through one of those old fashioned wringer washing machines. I got sick, my body sort of shut down on me, and I couldn't climb out of the blackness in my heart. I was filled with the "why?" and the "how could you let this happen?" and "but you promised you would look after us?", "you promised that you would answer our prayers?", and the clincher "People who love God are meant to have things work out for them!" It was most certainly not meant to be like it was. Death, despair, depression. Around every corner. 

Cutting a long story short (the journey of it all may be for another time), I got through those days. Years. It has been amazing, in the end. I'm astounded by my God and his redeeming power (hence my blog title). 

So this most recent summer holiday, I was going through some depressing scenarios in my head involving funerals and what-if's. There was a horrific news item just the week earlier about a young girl being attacked in a camping ground, and that wasn't helping my state of mind at all. However instead of blaming God and fighting him, as I once would have, I pressed in and tried to seek him through the stuff going on inside me. I also read a couple of awesome books which were just right for me. One was "The Shack" which people either love or totally hate, that's fine. It was what I needed and touched me, so I will leave it at that - read it and make your own assumptions! But I will talk about the other book, "One in a million" by Priscilla Shirer who is an American preacher/teacher from Texas. 

The premise of the book is a very detailed break-down of the book of Exodus, from the Israelites journey from slavery in Egypt to the wandering in the wilderness and then the promised land. From 2 million people, only 2 made it from Egypt to see the promised land. The book is about that - how to be the "One in a million". The ones who get to see the promised land and don't just die out in the wilderness. 

It was an incredible read. Often it's not that bad in the wilderness. Just sort of average, fine, sometimes quite good actually. In her words: "Too many believers... get settled and content on the outer fringes of abundant life, feeling as thought they've got all of God they really want or need. They're pretty much OK with the way things are, not really believing or even desiring more than what just comes from showing up dressed every morning. In fact, if they were being perfectly honest, they think that people who do venture out boldly with God are taking this faith things a little too far, to the point of being foolish. They'd be a bit embarrassed, frankly, to carry on like that." 

Source: http://needasweetdistraction.tumblr.com/ via Sarah at PInterest

For myself, so much of the book rang true. Because I so deeply long to go past the average and the usual with my life as a follower of Christ. I don't want to just live year after year going to church on Sunday, feeling guilty about not reading my bible or praying, being a good neighbour, trying not to swear or commit any other obvious "sin" all the while committing plenty of not-so-obvious ones. I don't say this stuff to stand in judgement on anyone else. I just feel like there is more and we're missing it.  The book didn't hold back in it's blunt assessment of why we get stuck in the same old place for so many years. I learnt so much and here's my main one: Life isn't perfect in the promised land.

So often we have a grass-is-greener mentality on our lives. So many dangerous and pointless words we preach to ourselves: "if only...", "once I have done...", "if I just had that..." then my life would be better. Then I'd feel better. Then I'd get myself sorted out. If my husband changed, then life would feel better. If my kids slept through the night, then I'd think about reading my bible again. I'm just going to enjoy my life for a few more years before I get serious with God. Every time I try to be a good Christian, someone else messes up and no one cares so why should I try so hard? And know this, I am so talking about myself here. "If only our house was finished, then I'd be more hospitable and welcome people into my life". "Once I've lost weigh then I'll feel better about myself". "It's just not realistic to spend heaps of time with God when you've got young kids and you're tired". "Well I know those books do have some stuff in them that isn't great, but the story telling is so wonderful and people would think I was a dork if I got rid of them". All just rubbish that holds us back. I can't say it as good as she can, so I highly recommend you read the book. 

The promised land for the Israelites was not easy. It wasn't free from troubles. There was war, battles, conflict. But they were in God's will. From the book again: "Promised land living. This is what it looks like. Not easy chairs. Not happy-go-lucky. NO, it's something far superior to that. Promised land living is power, confidence, endurance, thankfulness. It's boldness that can't be shaken by anything, even when an earthquake is erupting all around you. No matter the noise level and magnitude. It's forgiveness, freedom, full-expectation. It's strapping on the armour and daring any devil in hell to try defeating what God is accomplishing in you."

And through the bible you see this. I realised in the years after Erin's death that I had always remembered the good parts of the scriptures and not the other parts. But we can't take that stuff out of context and then yell at God "But you promised to protect me!". Here are some examples. 

Psalm 91: ... Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor fear the dangers of the day, nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. But you will see it with your eyes..."

I don't know about you, but if I had terrors at night, dangers during the day, plagues, disasters, thousands falling and dying around me - I wouldn't feel like God was with me. I wouldn't feel like I was in the promised land. But you can't read a psalm like that and just put "When you call on me, I will answer, I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue them and honour them" on your fridge and ignore the rest. 

Jesus himself told us what to expect in John 17: "When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you. The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you... Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you... The people of the world will hate you because you belong to me, for they don't know God who sent me"

And at the end of that is one of my most loved verses of all time, when Jesus says to them: "Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world".

Paul in Phillippians talks about learning to get along with food or without, with nothing or with everything. When I have no food I can't say that I feel particularly joyful or thankful. And the faith chapter, Hebrews 11, lists all the awful things that these people of faith endured. Including being sawed in half , chained in dungeons, and having their backs cut open with whips. Nope, not the promised land by our usual standards.
The grass isn't greener. You can move town, divorce your husband, get a new job, cut your hair, lose weight, and none of it will make a bit of difference if on the inside you stay the same. What matters is our heart, our attitude, and our relationship with our maker. When we start with this stuff, we are in a better place to appreciate the blessings when they do come, and we can endure and be thankful during the trials. I'm on a journey to this place, and I'm determined to see it through. My fears include the fear of alienating people close to me by being "too Christian". Argh. I hate that one. I'm not sorry, I am not going to compromise in order to make sure that everyone else around me feels ok about where they are at. I am sorry though if I lose people close to me because of it. But "one in a million" is going to be a lonely place and I want to go beyond the drudgery that sometimes normal life can be. I'm scaring myself writing these words. I am grateful that I serve a God of grace, who is good, and who loves me, and who will take my hand and lead me through as I continue on this journey of being a follower of Jesus.
I hope this has served as a start for a lot of thinking and praying, and that it inspires someone. Don't let it drive you to guilt because that's not of God and it's not going to do any good. God is with you on your journey too.
Sarah xxx

I hate exercise.

2 weeks ago I purchased some clothing suitable for physical fitness of some kind. It was an exercise in espionage. Trying to get inside the door of rebel sport and navigate the aisles of foreign, stretchy lycra without meeting anyone I know (actually quite difficult in Wanganui) or anyone asking me for help, was quite an achievement. Then I was faced with the dilemma of whether I really wanted to spend $60 on a pair of stretchy pants to wear while doing something I didn't want to do. In the end I decided I didn't and then repeated the exercise, this time instead in the sportswear aisles of the Warehouse. As I tiptoed around I felt as thought I had a neon, flashing arrow pointing to my head that yelled "Look at Sarah! She's going to attempt to get fit!" Something which I guess most people may feel proud of but not me, oh no.
My hatred of sport and exercise is deep rooted and started as a child I think. Most of it is just part of being an Arty Creative Type, I was never naturally inclined towards sporty stuff and spent my childhood going to piano lessons and pretending to be Eeyore by eating grass in my front yard rather than at Saturday morning sport. I went through a variety of attempts at sport - a year of netball, a year of hockey, a year of badminton, a stint at cross country, a year of a gym membership, one painful weekend trying to learn to snowboard - but certainly none of those experiences brought about any kind of self-confidence or desire to commit in any capacity to Sport as a thing  that I do. I do not do Sport. I do not do Fitness. I do not do Exercise.
And why would I? I don't like feeling puffed, or tired, or raising my heart rate, or sweating, or adrenalin, or putting in any sort of physical effort. I hate competition. I have plenty of memories of high school P.E with grumpy 16 year old boys blaming me for the loss of whichever stupid game we were forced to play in our horrible, clingy polyester polo shirts and unflattering shorts. In fact, that brings back memories of me as a 10 year old, one of the earliest "developers" in my class (Yes, I'm going there), and having to do running races and holding my purple t shirt out in front of me as I ran because I was so self conscious. And at that same age I got glasses for the first time, huge purple and bronze speckled frames (very trendy at the time), but every encounter with a ball of any kind seemed to send them flying off my face in various embarrassing situations. Sport to me has very rarely ever been fun. When I was 13 I am proud to say that I managed to weasel out of every single sporting event at my school - cross country, athletics and swimming sports included.
So the purchasing of the aforementioned sports gear was accompanied by much grumbling and cringing on my part. I feel as though I am betraying my inherent values and belief systems. And that's nothing compared to actually wearing the gear.
I walked out of my house on Monday afternoon looking all sporty and I swear, I would have felt less conspicuous if I'd been wearing a clown costume. Or a Big Bird outfit. The neon arrow made it's reappearance again, this time shouting "Haha! Sarah's now going to attempt to DO something that involves exercise!"
Anyway, I've been for 2 walks this week. I went round the "lake of virgins" (as my husband would call it) twice at speed and then walked around the 2 city bridges a couple of days later. Pushing both my kids in the double buggy. I can't yet say that I enjoyed it.
Joking and sarcasm aside, I really struggle with this whole thing. As a teenager I had the "perfect figure", I guess - I never had to worry about how I looked in anything really. I ate what I wanted (which wasn't much, to be honest) and I didn't really exercise, apart from the one year mentioned above where I had a gym membership - and this was just because my two best friends were competing in aerobics competitions so I was at the gym as a social activity rather than for myself. I did get fit doing it and I did enjoy it, but it was mainly because of the time spent with them rather than from any feeling I got from it (I think). But I also didn't eat that much. I just was not interested in food. I remember telling people that I didn't get the point of it - it went in your mouth, out the other end, why did we bother? I didn't get any joy from eating. I didn't even like chocolate!!! I know, shocking. My mum and anyone else who knew me always served up an insanely small portion of food for dinner. When I got engaged I felt that maybe I should be putting in some kind of effort for the whole wedding dress thing, so I had an Elle Macpherson exercise DVD and a "Pilates for dummies" video that I did every day or so. They were fine. In fact, my dressmaker had to tell me to stop doing whatever I was doing because I was getting too small for the dress. But I still wasn't skin-and-bones, by any means. I was just-right. With minimal effort. Oh, how I miss those days.
Somewhere between getting married, and moving towns with my husband 6 months later, I gained around 15 kgs. All on my upper body. For a couple of years I tried various things to lose it. Running, getting up early before work to do the exercise DVD, weird diets where I replaced meals with protein shakes and took "craving suppressant" pills. I've only ever managed to lose 5 of that 15. Never any more. After getting pregnant and having kids, I kind of gave up and to be honest a lot of the time it just doesn't bother me at all.
I love food! I tell you, I obviously just did not know what I was missing. Ha. Eating is now one of the great joys of my life. I love sharing meals with friends. I love breakfast. I love morning tea. I feel like Merry and Pippin "What about second breakfast? Elevensies?" (Lord of the Rings reference, in case you missed it). A cup of tea and something sweet (thanks to my British friend!). And breastfeeding just makes me starving too.
What is the point of this post? Well, it's a confession of sorts I guess. This whole thing has been a loaded issue for me for the last 7 years. Every new year I make a "I will be healthy" resolution, and it lasts about a week. I have had countless "I am going to change" moments, and they last about a week. I have gone over this in my head in every direction for so long.
Part of my issue with it is that I strongly believe that women of every size and shape are beautiful. That we need to learn to love ourselves and value ourselves. I hate the fact that Hollywood and mass media feed us images of size 6, tanned, buff beauties and try to force us to believe that we need to be this way or we are not beautiful. I hate the fact that weight-loss companies make millions off women losing weight and then gaining it again, only to need to go back on their products to lose it again. I don't like there being a standard, "Ideal" version of beauty. I love people like Gok, who are celebrating the female form in all of it's diversity, and inspiring women to make the most of what they like about themselves. I don't like the whole "I'll have a salad" thing at restaraunts. I want to champion these things that I believe, rather than speak down on myself or kill myself trying to conform to some kind of skinny ideal.
But then there's the other side of it. The side that wants to live a healthy, long life for the sake of my kids and my husband. The part of me that knows that the most dangerous fat you can carry collects around your tummy. I know how badly I want to be well and to never get some kind of awful illness, because I know what it is to lose someone and what it is to watch people I love care for people who are ill - and I don't want that for my family. And I want to keep up with my kids. I want to spend a morning at the park with them without being exhausted. I think these things are all worthy reasons for trying to lose weight. Far worthier than wanting to look like the "Old Me" or some superstar on television.
And to be honest, the major factor at the moment, and the reason I'm writing it down here for you all to read, is the mental and emotional side. I have convinced myself that I can't. I can't lose weight. I can't get fit. I hate exercise. I don't do sports. I don't have any willpower. I am not disciplined. I'm lazy. And then as some of you will know, on your really bad, down days this leads pretty quickly to I'm fat. I'm useless. I'm weak. And that leads extremely quickly to chocolate and ice cream and cake.
I never used to comfort eat at all, and that was probably why I stayed thin. When I wasn't coping with life I used to sleep, or shop. I would go to bed in the afternoon and sleep through the night. I would go out and spend, spend, spend. To this day I swear I still get a rush off having a new thing in a bag to bring home and look at. Unfortunately this was always, and still is, pretty temporary because after an hour or 2 you can forget you have it and then 2 days later want something different. But now, I'm a mum. Sleep certainly isn't a readily available option, and neither is shopping, since I married a wise man who knows how to manage money and has taught me about when to spend and when not to. So I turned to food. And this needs to change.

The only thing I should turn to when I can't cope with life is Jesus. He is the one who will sustain. He has the answers I need. He is the comfort I need. And I need to go deeper and further with Him to sort out the destructive thought patterns and lies that lead me to talk down to myself the way I do. I'm a lot better than I used to be. I am so thankful for the journey that God has taken me on this year. I know that I am safe in his love, I know that he wants what is best for me. I know that I can come to him, just as I am, and be accepted and loved and welcomed. I didn't always believe that, so this is massive for me. I feel like I'm now in the right place with Him to be able to confront some of these other rooms in my heart.

That's a reference to a book I have read recently called "God loves Ugly", by Christa Black - one of the most inspirational writers/artists that walk the earth. She talks about how your heart is a house. Each house is full of rooms. Your house can be beautifully painted, nice garden, shiny and new on the outside - but when you open the door each room is black, dirty, mouldy and rotting. You need to go into every room, with Jesus, and show him all of the filth - and allow him to clean out the rooms with you. I know for myself that God has helped me with I think almost all of the rooms in my heart-home. I'm so thankful for what he's done. But there are a couple left, and I want to deal to them. And so begins the adventure. 

I'll probably need to write more on this, but because this is a loooonnnnggg post I am going to stop now, and leave it at that. But if you're going through the same sort of things I highly recommend the above book, by Christa Black. It's not going to be easy to get a copy in the next year - because it's been picked up by a major publisher, and will hit stores all over the place around September next year. I also recommend "Confessions of a reformed dieter" by A.J. Rochester. I read this a couple of years ago on summer holiday and I really appreciated her honesty and was amazed at her weight loss journey. It's interesting though to read it from a spiritual perspective, because it's very clear where she needs Jesus, and she doesn't have him, which is sad. I also love Joyce Meyer, for overcoming the lies we speak to ourself in our mind. I highly recommend Mandisa's album "What if we were real". She has been on an incredible weight-loss journey herself, and her songs are so inspiring and relevant to anyone going through the same thing. I also have recently discovered Doctor Caroline Leaf through listening to Christine Caines podcasts, and am very keen to read her books about how to be set free from negative mindsets and strongholds in your mind. I also absolutely love the blog "Lauren Nicole Love", the raw honesty and openness about relationships and overcoming a damaging past is a breath of fresh air.

And I really want to say strongly and definitively, You Are Beautiful. Size 6, 16, or 26 or whatever, You Are Beautiful. Some incredible and challenging posts that I can't recommend highly enough to read are this one, from Sarah at Emerging Mummy; Tina Francis's post at SheLoves Magazine here; and this post from the Good Women Project about our issues with food. I have read a lot more that have really helped me but, typically, I can't find them now I go back to look. In fact, subscribe to those blogs and you'll get good, honest, uplifting and challenging stuff in your inbox every day.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate so much all your feedback and your comments. I'm still figuring this out, so bear with me while I grow and change.

xx Sarah

Social Media sometimes makes me cringe

I've been absent for a while. I'm sorry. I have a few excuses so thought I would write a blog about them.
One excuse is that recently I had a "Wake-up Call" regarding my housekeeping... or lack thereof. I have a one year old boy now, and I do completely believe that everyone with an under one year old is in a grace period regarding these things the world regards as wifely duties - cleaning, cooking, laundry and all the other fascinating stuff that most mums spend their lives trying to get done. With really little kids life is often just about survival. Most days the laundry, the dishes and the dinner have to get done, and that's more than enough to completely exhaust and overwhelm the average new mum. Anything else is a bonus and a rarity.
But now Ryan is one, and while he is still hard work in the sense that he occupies a lot of space and time, and doesn't let his mum sleep much, he is big enough to wander around and play with toys, play with his sister, grab bits of toast and eat them on the go. There are more and more pockets of time in which I could achieve something worthwhile, if I could be bothered. And most of the time I couldn't.
So anyway, this is rather dull. Long story short, I've been attempting to make more of an effort (with the help of some friends), and it's going well, I think. But this has meant that I have not spent half as much time on the computer. So blogs and twitter and all have sort of fallen off the priority list.
I find social media (facebook, twitter etc) a sneaky beast. I love it in a lot of ways. I love seeing friends photos, reading funny comments, getting to inspire people and connect. But there is so much that I really don't like about it, and a lot that I think we need to be very wary of. My main "cringe-factor" areas can be grouped into these areas: Overshare; Exclusion; and Just-wrong.
Overshare is hard. Some people seem to spill the most intimate details of their life out to their hundreds of random friends on Facebook. I think that for teens facebook is what a diary used to be to the rest of us old folk. But it's not a diary - its something that anyone, anytime, can read and judge you from. And the new changes they brought in a few weeks ago have just made this worse. Now you know what everyone is doing, every comment they make, every page they like - and some of the "pages" people make, and like, are awful. I got so upset seeing one teen girl "like" a page called "That awkward moment when you jump off a bridge and change your mind halfway down". Now I'm aware I'm being a total spoil sport, and people will all say that it's just a big joke. But you don't joke about suicide. And Overshare is hard too when you get news via facebook that you haven't been told by the person face to face. Do you say something next time you see them? And what about relationship status's? The whole thing does my head in.
Then we get to Exclusion. And this is most of the time not done on purpose I think. But I wish people would be a bit more careful sometimes. When we post comments that "tag" people in or out of activities, when we tell people we have had a great day with them, when we post private jokes, or invite people to events that others aren't invited to... the pastor heart side of me finds this hard sometimes, because for some people this is a very clear indication of who is "in" and who is "out". I do not like the fact that posting happy posts about nice times can turn into a point of rejection for others. I don't know what to do with this one. I just know it makes me feel awkward sometimes.
And then "Just-Wrong". If you are not a believer in Jesus, not a Christian - then by all means do whatever you like, I have absolutely no problem with it, it is none of my business. But if you are, then it kind of is my business. And we need to use a whole lot more wisdom when we post on facebook, when we "like" pages, when we comment on stuff. Perhaps sometimes we need to be wise with who we friend, if the posts they are making aren't clean or are not stuff we know we should be reading. Now I really struggle on this. I don't like "de-friending" either. But I am tired of reading disgusting stuff, knowing that it's entirely my own choice to be on this site and using it like I am. Would you say it to my face? Would you say it to your pastors face? Would you say it in a job interview? Hmmm.

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God... For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved." 

1 Corinthians 10:31-33

There are more than a few times in the bible where it tells us not to cause anyone to stumble. There is stuff on facebook frequently that causes me to stumble, and I've been a Christian all my life and am in a strong place in my walk. So how do we appear to our friends who are perhaps new to all this? What about to our friends who don't know God?

I am torn - between opting out altogether and going back to my non-social-media bubble, or staying and trying to make it work for me. At the moment I stay. Because I think we have been handed a tool, as believers and as people who want to make a positive change for this world that our children will grow up into. But I wish that more people would use Facebook and Twitter as a vehicle for positive change, for affirmation, for encouragement and inspiration. As a way to be a witness for God, to show his goodness. I am not suggesting that I'm great at this. I'm just trying to explain the mess in my head, I think. 

So I will try to keep going with this blog thing, to learn as I go. No doubt I'll look back and cringe at this too. But my intentions are good, and I trust that God is moulding me as I try to work this all out.

Sarah xx

 

Insecurity and accepting who you are... part one.

I talked in my very first blog post about a tendency I have had in the past to people please. I am certainly in a better place with this than I used to be, but every now and then the whole area of "what do they think of me?" rears it's ugly head. I have been feeling quite insecure these last two weeks, this could possibly be for a number of reasons: spiritual attack; I'm stepping out and saying and doing things publicly which is making me feel nervous about potentially being judged; I've been too busy and haven't spent enough time with the Lord either just praying or reading, or listening to a podcast. I thought it could be good to write about this because I know a lot of people struggle with feelings of insecurity and with feeling paranoid about what others think about them - what they say/do/dress like and how they live their lives.
When I use the term "people please" I mean the tendency to make decisions to do or say things based on what we think others would want us to do or say, rather than what we want to do or say, or what God would have us do. I think deep down most of us just want to be loved and accepted. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that we can be those things by just being who we are, so we try to adapt ourselves to suit our situation and the people around us.
I didn't so much pretend to be things I wasn't, I used to just hide. I found it really hard to talk to new people, at church or anywhere really, because I thought so hard about what I was going to say and how they would interpret what I'd said, that I'd sabotaged myself before I'd even begun! I've found nothing kills conversation more than overthinking it. Now I don't believe that we should shoot our mouths off either. But I think that when we are living in tune with Jesus and trying to be who he wants us to be, praying and seeking him, we can trust him to help us to be naturally ourselves when we talk to others.
The times when I have felt the worst about myself have been the times when my view of God has been the most twisted. About 5 years ago on summer holiday I read a book which opened my eyes to where my thinking had gone so wonky. The book is "A stone for a pillow" by I think my most favourite author, Madeleine L'engle. The book is about Jacob. The first chapter talks about how we as the western world have taken a "forensic view of God". Here are some quotes from that chapter:

"Far too often we view God as an angry judge who assumes that we are guilty unless we can placate divine ire and establish our innocence"

"This is not God, not the God of scripture who over and over again shows love for us imperfect creatures, who does not demand that we be good or virtuous before we can be loved. When we stray from God, it is not God's pleasure to punish us. It is God's pleasure to welcome us back, and then throw a party in celebration of our homecoming."

I always felt like I was on trial with God. Constantly measuring myself against some crazy, perfect, unattainable standard which I always fell short of. I was so insanely disappointed in myself, and though I knew in my head about grace, I knew God loved me, it had not clicked through to my heart. I'm thankful now that it has. It took time, it took prayer, it took good people around me. But God got me there. When I think of the Lord now and when I'm in his presence I feel 99% of the time just relaxed, free, at peace. I know he cares for me regardless of how often I read my bible, or study, or whether I said something I didn't mean that hurt someones feelings, or whether I lost my temper at my kids, or I thought about things that weren't healthy for me, or ate way too much chocolate when I wasn't even hungry. He doesn't stand in judgement towards me on those things. But if I want to talk about them and deal with them with him, he's cool with that too. And this is not to say that he isn't Lord, King, Master. The line is a tricky one but I think it pays sometimes not to overthink it. 

So I've been trying, this year in particular, to be a bit more me. I used to be very extroverted and I think that is part of who I am that I lost - the chatty part that laughed alot. I think that God would have me be that person, because that was who I was as a child, and I believe that's part of who I am - because the reasons I wouldn't act that way were full of regret and shame and guilt, and I don't believe that God is about those 3 things. God is love, God is hope, God is peace. But it's hard. I do go home sometimes after being out at church, or a practice, or visiting someone and have the "did I talk too much? why did I say that? I hope they don't think I'm being pushy?!" thoughts. But I need to learn to get past those. I know God has things for me to do. And I will not ever be able to do those things if I hide. Our pastor used a quote (he had said it was from Nelson Mandela, but I found online that this is a common mistake and it is actually from Marianne Williamson) in a sermon a few years back that struck home for me, and I try to remember it when feelings of insecurity arise inside me:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm done with playing small. If by being friendly and by being myself I alienate some people, then I will just have to accept that. I know that it's not my heart to hurt or offend. I know that I am just trying to love and welcome people. And over time God will help me grow and mature and perhaps I will get a bit better at saying the right thing and have a few less foot-in-mouth moments. Or maybe I won't. Because the more foot-in-mouth moments I have, the more it keeps me humble and keeps me running back into the arms of my God who is waiting to welcome me.

I think I'm going to leave it there for now, but I think I could be often returning to this subject.

xx Sarah

Church, community, and 3 boxes of groceries.

Recently I had a message from a friend – not a really close friend, but not just an acquaintance, certainly someone who I like a lot and intend to call more than I actually do… in any case, a few years ago at church we were making meals for people once a fortnight on a Wednesday morning. Either people from church who were sick, had new babies or were just having a hard time, or if anyone knew anyone from the community we’d make meals for them too. We made a meal for this friend when she was pregnant with her 2^nd child and studying. She wrote me this message and wrote some very special things about how she felt at the time, that she would “never forget the kindness and feeling of support when you showed up with dinner and bikkies for us”. It's amazing how the small things and the practical things make a big difference. She then asked for help for a friend who was struggling. A single mum with 3 kids who has “hit rock bottom emotionally and financially”.

I’m characteristically soft and tend to lean towards wanting to help and save everyone anyway… but this one really got to me. I think because I get quite upset when I hear about not just the physical and practical consequences of the bad stuff that goes down for so many people, but the emotional and spiritual toll it takes on them.

So I sent out a message to about 20 friends from church, I asked if they could buy 1 extra grocery item in their shop that week. I was picturing giving her a small to medium size box of treats. The kinds of things that just make life that little bit nicer – chocolate biscuits, shampoo, body wash, tea and coffee. When you’re really hard up it’s always a choice what you leave out, and with 3 kids I bet she was always at the end of the list when it came to doing the weekly groceries.

Not only did people respond, but they responded BIG time. Not everyone who I got in touch with was able to help, (and this is absolutely not about making anyone feel guilty or stink for not participating because I would never EVER want anyone to feel that way), but 10 people were able to help, and they bought entire bags of things. Blocks of chocolate, biscuits, juice, chippies, gift packs of lotions and shampoos, breakfast cereals, canned chicken, pasta, cash. It was just beautiful. I ended up with one huge box and 2 medium boxes.

When I went over to this woman’s house I had initially a bag with 2 meals and some baking, which she accepted incredibly gratefully. But when I bought in the first box she just stopped in her tracks and shook her head and said “No, no, I can’t accept this – I can’t!” I of course refused to listen, convinced her that there were many of us and that these things had been bought especially for her because we care, at which point she cried and put her head in her hands. I managed to remember to ask if I could give her a hug before I hugged her (always key to not looking like too much of a freak). I showed her a flyer which had our churches number on it, told her she could call if she needed more. She said she would when she “got her s**t together”.

Then she started talking about how she had been doing a parenting course recently, and they had discussed that when things were hard they were, in a way, that much harder because there is no sense of community anymore. That it was amazing how I had these friends and we could pull together to do this, to help someone and each other – but for her she was all alone, she had no one, and it was too hard.

I completely agree with her. In our middle class, first world lives we have gotten extremely accustomed to doing everything alone. We raise our children by ourselves, we don’t know our neighbours very well anymore, there’s not even as much lending and borrowing going on as perhaps there would have been 30 years ago. We have organizations like Plunket and we have the government, people that are trying hard to look out for those on the margins but at the same time telling them to “Get a real job” and that if they budget effectively they can live perfectly well on a benefit. There’s only so much those organizations can do.
The government can’t be your friend. Plunket can’t come over and have a cup of tea with you while you pour your heart out. None of these places can give us the long-term, constant support that you need when life throws the worst it’s got at you – and that happens to all of us.

This is where I believe in the Church. Not just my particular church, the one I attend in Wanganui with the people I care for and that care for me – but the Church as a body, as God’s bride, as a whole – worldwide, every denomination. The Church is the community that the world (as a generalisation – some of you may live in wonderful, supportive neighbourhoods) lacks. The lovely lady that I had the privelege to help had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. Luckily she had one supportive friend who knew she was in over her head, and she knew me, and knew we would help. Of everything that happened in this experience it is that fact that most warms my heart. She KNEW the church would help. She’s not a Christian. She’s not churchy. I’ve never invited her to anything. Yet she knew we would help. Thank you, God.

After all the years I spent singing, playing music, performing, leading, doing items and doing all other manner of creative stuff in churches it is the year of cooking meals in the kitchen with a group of friends that has taught me the most about myself, about Church, about community and about how to show love to a hurting world.

Let’s not get so caught up in the doing of a church “service” and the programs and activities that we run, that we miss our chance to be the hands and feet of a God who cares about the hungry, the poor, the hurting and the lonely.
xx Sarah

In the beginning...

So this is it. I've thought about blogging for a while now, but have been quite busy getting over myself and my tendency to people please so have put it off longer than I thought I would.
I love blogs. In the last 6 months I have discovered so much amazing writing online, and have been getting so inspired and so filled by these wonderful women (I mostly tend to read women!). I also have recently got involved with a magazine called Bella, for teen girls, and we are wanting to get a web/blog thing happening one day, so I'm sort of preparing myself for that too. I tend to preach and write to myself and others inside my head rather often, so it's about time that I did the bold thing and started to put some things down on paper (or screen?) instead.
A friend I greatly admire, Marion, writes a wonderful blog NZgirl and she recently made a series of statements about herself from what she's been learning on her journey. I thought I'd do a similar sort of thing, then you can decide whether you want to keep checking in here or if I'm just going to irritate you...
I'm Sarah. I'm married, I have 2 beautiful tiny tots and I live in a smallish town in New Zealand.

• I'm a bit floaty, or flighty - airy fairy? I'm creative and I like to ask questions and sometimes I don't answer them. Or I answer them with more questions. I like to question, I like to debate, I like to ponder.
• I'm a Christian. I love God, I love my church, I'm committed. I believe absolutely in the redemptive power of God and in his grace.
• I'm messy and disorganised. Administration rates pretty low in my list of priorities.
• I'm an arty creative type, I love music, interior design, gardens, fashion, illustration and books. I'll share my favourites here.
• I'm pretty passionate about parenting and about supporting mums in particular. I can talk for hours if someone is foolish enough to let me.
• I don't really know yet what I'm meant to "DO" with my life. I'm on a journey and still learning each day at a time who I am and what matters most to me.
• I'm people oriented and tend to do things because I care for the people involved, not because I care that much about the task or the job.

I think that's enough for now. Thanks for reading and I hope this will be an encouraging and inspiring thing for me and  you both.
xx Sarah