Tuesdays Unwrapped #1

Tuesday is our busiest day. Swimming lessons, kindergarten pick ups and drop off's repeated twice more than usual. With December comes Christmas parties and shared lunches, and so my baby and my little three year old man had a more exciting day than usual yesterday.

I love to watch him. In the pool, unsure about being there without mum to cling to - his first time alone with just the other kids. He was so calm, standing next to another little buddy the same age and size as him. His buddy slapped his flutterboard and made a splash, my boy did the same. His buddy behaved well, my boy did the same - thank the Lord. 
And can I mention the utter JOY that appears on the face of a three year old boy when offered a lollipop at the end? Is there anything in life as an adult which gives us the same spontaneous delight? May we be granted more of those moments, may we be awake and alive to see them.

At the party it was all balls, running, more balls - no stopping for food, not for me thanks Mum. I'm far too busy having the time of my life. So I sat with his baby sister, playing with the puppets and making her laugh and laugh.
Oh my heart, baby giggles, have mercy.

As we get in the car he says "That was fun, mum!" The second time in two days. (the first time was after walking home with him on his bike, a near-death experience I will never, ever repeat!) I love hearing from his pure little rascally heart that he's had a good time. Too often parenting feels like a catalouge of disappointments, a list of things we couldn't do because we were tired, busy, grumpy. I'm thankful for being handed grace this week, in these moments of fun and laughter for my boy.

In the car on the way home his head bobs, bobs, bobs, until he gives in. I carry him, fast asleep, and lay him on the couch. Turn on Playschool for some background white noise. Watch him completely innocent, mouth slightly open, away to dreamland and exhaustion from a busy morning's work and play.

I can't keep up with his energy, his enthusiasm for life - his boundless curiosity and playfulness and outright mischief. He is a gift to me, a funny and loud and dirty ball of endless movement. And I surely do breathe an utterly exhausted sigh of Thank God when he's asleep, finally.

Today I write as part of Emily Freeman's "Tuesdays Unwrapped". In her words, we write about "Anything that causes you to pause and celebrate the moment. Not what will be or what is to come, but what is real and true this day: the messy, the lovely, and the unexpected. Share a photo, a story, or anything that offers a glimpse into your own journey of discovering the gifts in the midst of the ordinary."

Real life is harder than you want it to be

Image Source: Pinterest, taken from Etsy

After last week's parenting post, I spent a lot of time thinking and feeling confused about how on earth to keep writing about this wonderful and incredibly hard thing called being a parent. A friend suggested that perhaps writing in a storytelling style keeps things from sounding braggy or boastful. Which was stressful because I definitely do not want to sound any of those things! And I think she is right, the posts I benefit from the most have been personal stories, admissions of failure, of confusion, of the struggles involved in motherhood. I have actually found the "10 steps to being a better parent" posts hard to swallow, with a very small amount of exceptions.
I struggle with storytelling, because on the one hand it's something I really really want to do. On the other hand, I feel that a lot of my history that informs my life isn't my story to tell. It would be an invasion of other peoples privacy. So how do I tell some of the story, without telling the whole story, while still being authentic. Vulnerability freaks.me.out. Yet I know that it is the path forward for me in a lot of areas of my life. Don't you just love how God does that. Humph.

So this week I'm just going to lay it bare a bit, by saying that good intentions are so often just that: good intentions. We can write lists, make plans, write family purpose statements, have beautiful "We say we're sorry, we hug, we love" artwork on our walls, get up each morning determined to not say one mean thing before breakfast - and how often does it all just go to pieces within a few minutes. Lots of times.
Because - sheesh! - it's so tiring being a parent! Sleep deprivation is a killer and when you are exhausted it's so hard to follow through on anything other than to just survive. For everyone to be breathing at the end of the day.
And you know what? I think we deserve a medal every single day by just managing that.
Out of bed, clothes on everyone, food in mouths (mothers always last, if at all), lunches, out the door on time, car seat tantrums, I-don't-like-shoes/those-pants/hats/sunscreen/jackets tantrums, sign-in's, working out what to feed everyone, laundry: dear sweet Jesus help me, work, did I do enough hours, does my brain even function anymore... and that's only by about 10am.

It. Is. HARD. Really, really hard. 

So if you feel like your brain is made of cotton wool? Me too.
Feel like just quitting sometimes but know that just ain't an option? Me too.
Feel like you can't just admit any of this because people give you that look or stop talking or there's an awkward silence where you wonder if they're going to report you to someone for admitting you're having a hard time? Me too. 
Feel like every other mum has it together? Me too.
Feel like it's groundhog day and you just cannot see an end to the repetition? Me too.
Feel like just going to bed for like a whole day and a whole night without talking to anyone or having anyone touch you or ask anything of you? Me too. (Let's face it, for longer than a day).

You're okay. I'm okay. Our kids are OKAY.
You love your kids, you're trying, you're being a real person and you're doing it, you're doing parenting, and you're awesome and amazing and a superstar for it.
Go and feel GOOD about yourself. Go and tell those condescending, bullying voices in your head to SHUT UP for once while you have a cup of something that's your favourite and a plate of something else that's your favourite.
Because you will always look back on this time and be amazed that you made it through. And you're going to make it through. And so am I. And our kids will be just fine. And there's no point worrying about the "what if's" because they steal our moments from us.

Love and grace and peace and happiness from me.

xx Sarah

Intentional Parenting: Don't just be an ambulance

I seem to be having an identity crisis, blog-wise. I started this blog on a sort of high-and-mighty whim, where I wanted to save the world and give my opinion on everything, and initially I did that. Then I got pregnant again and enter hormones, oh joy, and I kind of stopped wanting to share anything with anyone. Let alone online. But I have this space, and it's mine, and I realised a while ago that I just really enjoy writing. I love to write. It is a fun way for me to spend some time. So because of that, I want to keep writing here.

Long story short, I'm going to try regularly writing about things relevant to me, and to attempt to swallow my anxiety about stating my opinion. Eeek. I'm going to write regularly about parenting and motherhood, since this is what my life looks like currently and I do have a heart for mothers and their journeys. I deeply appreciate blogs like Lisa-Jo Baker who write primarily to encourage mums. I hope that the things I write will be encouraging, and not preachy, or condescending. Let's go.

My husband and I were talking a couple of years ago about marriage, and about relationships we saw that were struggling and how sad we felt about it. I was feeling frustrated about what I saw as a lack of effort on behalf of most men to be pro-active in their marriages. (This is a generalisation based on what I could see around me at the time. I know this is definitely not the case for every man. Please don't bite my head off.) He made a telling remark after that, though, and said "Most guys tend to have an 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' approach to marriage" and to parenting.

Something I try to do is to be intentional about my parenting. I can't expect to cruise through my life without thinking about what I want it to look like, and then feel I can ask "WHY did this happen?!" when or if things go pear-shaped. I know there are no guarantees in life, and that sometimes things just go in a completely different direction than we had ever dreamed. I'm not saying that will never happen. I do find it really helpful to learn about parenting, to make goals, and plans, and to be intentional about what I do with my children and how I talk to them. Bloggers like Tsh from The Art of Simple (formally Simple Mom) have really helped me see the benefit in this way of thinking. And when Sarah Bessey wrote her Practices of Parenting it hugely inspired me and got me thinking about what matters to me most in my family.

Consider this a Part One, or a summary, and I'll plan to write more in detail about these things. These are some of the values that I'm intentional about with my kids:

• How I talk to them, and how we talk to each other. I tell them I Love You a LOT. A lot. I list positive things about them every day. 
• I apologise. We value the tone of our voices, and if I use a "grumpy voice" I apologise. I tell them not to whine and to ask nicely for things, I need to do the same. This sort of leads into:
• We practice what we preach. If I ask my children not to whine, I need to not whine. This is a work in progress with things like what we eat - if I don't want them overloading on sugar, I need to not overload on it myself. If I want them to be active, I need to be active (Lord, help me). If I don't want them to yell, or hit, then by crikey I'd better not do those things either. 
• Being positive about our body image. "Fat" is the banned F-word in our house. I don't talk negatively about any part of me or my body. I tell my daughter that we are beautiful (even when all our wobbly bits are hanging out!). I'm not falsely modest or ashamed around my kids. If they want to do raspberry's on my tummy, that's ok. 
• I compliment things other than our looks. I tell my kids they are beautiful, but I intentionally follow that with "and brave, smart, funny, and kind. I love you so much."

Do I get this right all the time? No! And I almost don't want to write at all about parenting, for fear of making other people feel stink because she does this stuff all the time and I don't. Heavens, no. I fail every day at this. But I do apologise. Being intentional with our parenting isn't about being perfect, it's about thinking about what we do, what we say, and reviewing every so often whether stuff lines up.
There are other things I would like to be more intentional with as our kids get older, including outdoor time and active hobbies, book reading, helping around home, making decisions together, and of course our faith and growing in God together. I'm still learning and researching how to do this stuff.

I'd love to hear other peoples thoughts on this idea of Intentional Parenting.
What are some things you do that are intentional?
What are some things you want to work on in the future? 
Does writing and discussing parenting make you feel encouraged, or guilty? How can parenting be talked about openly without it becoming a bragging-fest or a guilt trip?!

Thanks for reading and please take my words in the heart I've intended. To share, encourage and inspire us to believe that life is more than just lack of sleep and peanut-butter smears all over our favourite clothes.

xx Sarah 

A day in the life

On Thursday this week I was checking Facebook and realised that it was Laura from The Hollywood Housewife's "One Day" on Instagram. I had been keen on joining in, just because I figure it's fun to be a part of something bigger than us, sometimes. Here's the general idea:

So for the friends who thought I had completely and utterly lost my mind when I was posting photos of my dinner, now hopefully it all makes sense?! Because of the time difference and my baby-brain memory, I did mine on the 14.11.13 - the same day as people in America did it. Which made it really fun, because for a day I turned my instagram profile off private and had lots of people pop in and out because of the hashtag. (As an aside, I am Sarah_rific on Instagram, and if you are a real person and not someone trying to sell me something or posting scary pictures, I'll approve your follow!)

My day was a typical day in the life of a mother of 3 kids 5 and under. It was super-exhausting. It involved at least 2 tantrums from my 3 year old son. My husband was out most of the morning so I was doing the morning routine alone. I also had a head cold and wasn't feeling overjoyed about that day.

It was not glamourous. I didn't do anything special or out of the ordinary. I didn't spend time with anyone outside of my own family. But I'm really glad I have that day documented, now. Because why else would I take photos of nappy changes, snack times, car trips and joyous reunions as my husband arrives home? I really love talking to and spending time with women older than myself, whose children have left home, I love their wisdom and their perspective, but one of my pet peeves is that some of them (not all) seem to have genuinely forgotten just how hard and exhausting it is to parent little children. So much is expected of us as mums and I can't keep up - I can just never, ever keep up. But now if I ever have moments in twenty years time where I hear myself saying to a 30-something mum "Oh, these are the best years of your life! Make the most of each moment, it will be over before you know it!" - I can look back on these photos from this One Day, and remember what it was actually like. Exhausting. Messy. Kind of demoralising. And full of smiling, grimey little faces that I love with all my heart.

 xx Sarah

It doesn't have to be perfect...

So I've been noticeably (or un-noticeably?) absent, probably due to my One Word - Rest. It's sort of ironic to spend all your time on the computer writing about resting. So I've been trying to rest instead. Not that I've been necessarily succeeding but there you go. One can only try.

I thought I'd write a short post about something that's been helping me get through this 3-kids-5-and-under season (kind of relevant to the above paragraph actually!).

 

You can take or leave the pretty picture, but the saying makes a lot of sense to me.

Don't let perfect be the enemy of the good.

What this means to me is: Don't let your unrealistic and massive expectations of yourself ruin the results that you are actually able to achieve. Don't let the fact that it "doesn't look/feel/seem like I imagined" steal what it is... which is good.

For anyone who has either perfectionist tendencies or is a bit OCD I think it's good to remember that sometimes, it's okay to just do what you can, with what you have, where you're at. It's good to dream and plan and all that, but sometimes life and circumstances and reality just get in the way, and we can't quite manage what we thought we'd be able to.

Don't let the myth of Perfect rob you of the joy to be found in the everyday moments of life.

When you send a letter or parcel to a friend, don't be disappointed that it was missing a hand-made toy or that you didn't manage to get to the shops to put chocolate in it too. Celebrate that you actually did do something. You put something in the post. You made an effort. You cared.

If you are always too tired or disorganised or poor to send anything in the post, realise that the fact that you text your friends and pray for them actually really does matter. And that people really appreciate a listening ear. And that doesn't have to cost you anything.

When it's your kids birthday party and you've been surfing Pinterest and pinning all the cute, themed yummy hand-made food but on the day you've had a kid with a broken arm and another kid in hospital and you're shattered and in the end you just don't quite manage the all-important vision... remember, you've thrown them a birthday party. They smiled, they blew out some candles, they had fun. Have fun yourself, don't let Perfect steal fun and memories from you.

When your home and your marriage and your parenting and your career and your church just don't look or feel like you think they really should, remember that things don't have to be perfect to be good. Your baby might not sleep or eat like those babies you see everywhere else, but you know what? Your baby is your baby and no baby is "perfect". Your house might not look like a magazine spread but neither do the houses in the magazines. They were cleaned and styled like nothing else for a few hours with a photographer. It's not reality. No church or pastor will ever tick every box that you have in your head for what the "perfect" church should be. The one you have can still be good. Really good. So can your husband, your job, your town.

So in this season where I have lots of dreams and ideas but pretty much zero energy to achieve them, I'm grateful for what I have, grateful for the chances to do what I love with the people I adore. I won't let Perfect rob me of what is good in my life.

What about you? What are the areas where the desire to be perfect can rob you of what is actually pretty good?

xx Sarah

I want to be average

Funny title, huh.

I've spent 10 days on holiday, which has been amazing but actually more than that it has just been necessary. I was on the verge of losing.it. Whatever "it" is.

So, as you do whilst on holiday, I spent some time reevaluating. And that's what has inspired the title of this post - wanting to be average.

Perhaps it's because we just did the census here in New Zealand and I'm in survey mode. But in any case I was thinking about surveys and those ones where you are asked to evaluate the person or performance on a scale - with average in the middle and then below average, very poor, above average, and outstanding on either side.

I am aware that as a person I am out of balance. And that some of the things that I am below average on and above average on, are robbing from other things, or adding to other things, and it's having a bad effect on me.

I made a survey and thought I'd put it here - I've circled my answers. (If it looks small on your screen basically very poor is on the left, average in the middle, outstanding on the right).

(Yes, I'm a dork).

For me to function as a human being and not turn into a vegetable, I need to re-order some stuff in my life. I have placed such a high value on being reliable, dependable, a good friend, saving the day, "Being Jesus", Loving Others, Serving, and doing lots of other very worthwhile things, that I've sacrificed some very basic needs of my own - for example having a shower more than once or twice a week (yes, it's embarrassing, now you know) - and also some important emotional things, like spending time with God, doing things I enjoy, and getting a bit of exercise or eating something healthier than just toast because it happens to be there and is quick. Let alone sleep. I mean, hello. Hard with a three and a half month old baby anyway, but I'm surely not going to get any extra when I'm rushing about trying to be everything to everybody else. And at the end of the day my relationships with my husband and kids suffer if I've got no energy left for them after being there for everyone else. And that's not cool because they are my loves, my legacy, my lifes work and my joy.

 

This is hard for me, because I love people - I love my friends, I love to be there for people, especially those who are lonely. It's either how God made me and is my heart, or it's a result of my upbringing - either way, it's not natural for me to be able to ignore a need. 

I'm having to learn - every need is not necessarily mine to fix or fill. Sometimes prayer is the best thing you can offer. If your family don't get your time or attention when they need it, don't offer it to others until they do. Sometimes peoples feelings might get hurt but if your heart is in the right place then they will understand, if they actually are your friend. Sometimes it is okay to be alone. It is good to do things that make you happy. Sometimes it is okay to say no, and not give a reason why.

So I'm aiming to be average. I can't bring the Very Poor or Below Average areas in my life up unless I bring some of the others down. I'm really, really sorry about that. Does this mean you can no longer depend on me? I think it probably does. Please depend on God instead. He can do so much more than I can. He is a better friend, mentor, and life-giver than I. Way way WAY better! How prideful of me to try to get in there and do his work. Sorry, Jesus. 

And yet I can hear some people say "So Sarah, this is all well and good, but it's still about you DO-ing. What about BE-ing?" Yep, I get that. That's what I'm trying at. I guess this is just a practical way of assessing my life. If I make it clear what I'm heading towards, perhaps people will be able to accept the times I want to just BE. To just sit outside under a tree with my kids. To just sit in a chair with my eyes closed. To just listen to my husband talk. 

Thanks for reading, and for being in my life. I feel the need to apologise and ask forgiveness - but let me say this - none of us, you or I, should ever have to apologise for wanting to be healthier, and happier, and more whole. None of us. So I won't apologise. I will just say to you, Onwards, on your own journey. Go and find God. Go and find Yourself. Go and find freedom. Find life. Discover your future. Live long and prosper... (hang on, is that Star Trek? I got lost there). I think I may need to go rent Pocahontas again...

xx Sarah 

P.S: I plan to do a post or two next about the good books I've read while I was away, and other light-hearted things. I just felt the need to get this one off my chest first.

Cherished

Today I'm having a go for the first time at "Five Minute Friday", with Lisa-Jo Baker, and it's freaking me out a little! The idea is to write for just five minutes flat, with no editing or thinking too much about it. "why not take 5 minutes and see what comes out: not a perfect post, not a profound post, just five minutes of focused writing." (from her website). Today's word was Cherished - so here we go!

GO

Little blinking eyes, squinting at the world. Head turning left, right, left, right, clunking it's way around my body - shoulder, chin, shoulder. Popping up like a meercat, then down again to nuzzle into my chest.

Baby girl with long, curled up fingers. A little brown birthmark over the left shoulder. Toes so long that they curl around your pinky. Slender legs with chubby skin on top.

A smile that starts from the eyes. It almost looks like she's pretending to wink. Then her mouth opens, the edges of it curl, and it turns into a full-blown, mega-watt, heart-melting grin - eyes twinkling, mouth wide open, utter joy.

Each day, each week will bring new changes. I can see her in gumboots, splashing through puddles, waddling around all crazy-like as she learns to walk. Sitting in the sand pit, exploring this new thing with her hands and then eating it, wrinkling up her face. Running after her brother and sister, screaming, giggling, bellowing. I wonder if you'll be as loud as them, my dear, cherished baby girl.

STOP

xx Sarah