Looking for God in all the wrong places...

I just wrote a comment on Twitter that went like this: "Revelation of the night: God is not on Twitter. If it's God you need, and it always is, you won't find him on social media. Switch off".
When we are lonely and searching it seems that we take those emotions and searchings out to our 21st century version of the journal, to all of our 279 "friends" on facebook, and our Twitter followers, and all of their friends and followers. It's an insane way to live but it is so tempting. It's the equivalent of dangling the fishing line in the water, just to see what's there. I think we're always hoping that we'll get some amazing comment or connection, some incredibly deep and compassionate person will respond to us and we'll all of a sudden realise that No, I am not Alone In The World.
It's a big lie and a big trap because 99 times out of 100 no one responds, and our inner insecurities that say "No one cares" are confirmed, and for all of our social-media-fishing-line-cast-outs we end up feeling a whole heap more terrible than when we started out.
When we are in that place it is Jesus Christ that we need. He alone can fill the gaping hole in our hearts. If you think that being married does it, or having a "bestie" does it, or a great church, or parents living around the corner... well you're wrong. Loneliness is a snake that bites in any situation and the only cure for it is found in the arms of God.
I think of the Psalms and remind myself of how many times the writers cried out to God, "Why have you abandoned me?" Our emotions matter and they are real and sometimes it does feel like you have no one. But we do have God. He never leaves, he never fails, he is real and constant and he can be trusted more than our fickle feelings can.
If you're in that place of alone tonight, just know that you're not alone, and that it will pass. I write it for myself, in a season of blessing and of growing another life inside me, and yet it is in these seasons that I always feel the most isolated and the most lonely. This time I choose to fight my feelings and attempt to take it to God, and I will trust him with the next five and a half months and pray that it goes by quickly.
So perhaps it's naive of me to write a post like this, having begun by saying not to take your pain to social media, and yet here I am voicing it... but it's real for where I'm at and it may be my story for the rest of the year. God is here with me and I'll testify to it even when it hurts. At times like this there is nothing that a person could do for me, it is all up to God. Remember to pray for your friends, lift each other up and cover each other, because it is the Lord that we need and it is he that will bring healing and change our hearts.
Cyber hugs and love and prayers to all of you.
Sarah xx

Thoughts on this day, Mothers day

Today it's Mother's day, and I thought I'd write a wee something, in the honour of trying to write shorter posts more often :)
A rough start today, with hubby out insane-early to church and me having my first ever Sunday on Kids this morning (what an eye-opener), with lots of things to remember to bring and organise. Add to that a small boy who decided it was fun to use his snuggly lamb toy as a whip on his sister, and said sister walloping him back - all while I was trying to type out PowerPoint song lyrics on the kids computer - and I was exhausted before I even arrived!
But after church and after a meltdown my husband gave me this:

Oh yes. Not just 4 pieces either, which still would have been great, but heaps of pieces. And no, I'm not sharing. Well, I will share it with him since he paid for it but not with anyone else!  (And he didn't go out and buy it after I had a meltdown, he'd already got it. Plus a hand-made card from my kids. Organised husband, I salute you.)

Mothers day isn't a nice day for everybody. I think of friends who lost their mums well before they should have. I think of relationship breakdowns. I think of the kids today in church who didn't come with a mum, either because she's not around or she isn't the one bringing them to church. I loved Lisa-Jo's post "For the Motherless daughter", she says anything far better than I can and she gets it. I don't think you'd ever understand what it was like to not have a mother unless you didn't have one.

Some memories of my mum from my childhood are around various creative activities, though she probably wouldn't call herself overly creative in an arty sense. I'm grateful she nurtured that in us. School holidays surrounded by Lego villages. One set of holidays where I was obsessed with making clowns - ping pong ball heads, fabric bodies, funny colours. Her teaching me cross stitch, and how to use the sewing machine. As a child, watching her (probably nagging her, more likely), as she sewed us our tracksuits - very trendy in the 80's I have to say - and then getting to go to the shopping mall with her and choose a print from the fancy place where they put a picture on the front of your sweatshirt. The one I remember most was a Persian cat, hideous pastel coloured flowery thing that I adored. Pale pink tracksuit. White blonde bob haircut... you get the picture.

Mum introduced me to my favourite author, Madeleine L'engle. She managed to navigate choosing books for me in my pre-teen years which I just loved, which could have gone very wrong. The Little house series, Anne of Green Gables, Frank Peretti's Cooper Kids adventure books. My most favourite book was the first one she bought me of Madeleine L'engles, called "A ring of endless light". Actually the third book in a series about Vicky Austin and her family. Vicky is the middle child, a poet, misunderstood and hiding in the shadow of her blonde, outgoing younger sister. She explores identity and death and doesn't shy away from issues that sometimes people wouldn't want to discuss with kids that age. As I went into my teens my Grandmother became the one who introduced authors to me. Kate Atkinson's "Behind the scenes at the museum" was the beginning. I loved Carol Sheilds, another introduction from her. A doorway into a new world, grown-up and beautifully written. I haven't had the concentration to stick at books like those for years now, but on my Grandma's 87th birthday this year I bought her "Walking on Water" by Madeleine L'engle, and it is special to be able to reciprocate those moments of book-sharing, and of not knowing you loved something until it landed in your hands and you turned the pages. My Grandma also reads every Jane Austen book, every year, and I haven't done that in years but would love to follow her example once life allows for sitting with a book with long paragraphs and older language again. At the moment life allows for re-reading of extremely easy books, in between breaking up squabbles between small children.

Happy Mothers day, everyone. Whether you are one, or have one, or you don't, I hope you enjoy celebrating today those around you who bring life into the world - for that is indeed the most significant thing about a mother, and something that's gifted not only those of us who have gone through labour and childbirth. Women have in them the inherent characteristics of the creator, and he granted us that gift, the gift of giving life, of creation, of bringing life into the world. We can do this with our words, our friendships, our personality's, and our homes. May you all feel blessed and noticed today, beautiful life-giving women.

Sarah xx

Gratitude #1-17

In my last post I mentioned a book called "One thousand gifts" by Ann Voskamp. "Dare to live fully right where you are". It's a beautiful book, very poetic, and I recommend it.
I'm feeling a bit of anxiety over some of the things I wrote yesterday, and while I'm not sure deleting the whole thing is right, because most of it is where I'm at, I also am not sure that it had love through it... or that I spent the time required to make sure that it had love in it.
I am so appreciative and grateful for so many things and instead of writing an apology (though I will always be sorry to cause hurt if that happened) or big explanation, or instead of just taking back everything that I wrote, I thought I'd start my online gratitude journal instead and just try to put yesterday aside and say today is a new day.
From the book, Ann writes about how she started her list:

"It was a dare, like a love dare of sorts, and I take it one clear November morning... It is the beginning of list season. Lists of holiday menus, lists of handmade projects, lists of have-to-buys. They're scattered and stacked across the counter, around my desk, when a friends dashed-off digital line blinks up on my screen. She dares me, and I don't even blink. Could I write a list of a thousand things I love? I read her line again. As in, begin another list? To name one thousand blessings - one thousand gifts - is that what she means?... A list not of gifts I want but gifts I already have."

1. Little girl with unbrushed hair in pink pyjamas
2. New paint on the front of my house
3. A soft mattress and warm covers
4. Fresh, clean outside air
5. Being greeted in the morning with a "So beautiful!" from my daughter
6. Baby flutterings in tummy
7. Old friendships renewed and started again
8. Forgiving and gracious friends
9. Grandparents to take children to the park
10. Ideas for handmade dolls houses
11. Birthday month for my loved ones coming up
12. Re-reading much loved books
13. Two children hugging each other goodnight
14. Dinners cooked for me this week
15. My God always there to listen and comfort and guide
16. Loving friends concern and gentle questions
17. People visiting who have more patience than me

Thanks for being in my life!
xx Sarah

Where have I been?

I haven't blogged in quite a while now, and I'm wanting to write again but wary at the same time. There have been a few momentous occasions in our life this year as a family, one being the impending arrival of baby number three - wahoo - in November this year.
YAY!
I think perhaps when you have more than one child, and that child isn't a perfect angel like our first one was (she just made it seem like parenting was the easiest thing ever!), that perhaps you will naturally feel a little trepidation at the thought of adding another small person to the chaos. But that doesn't lessen my gratitude or happiness, as a third baby was a deep-felt heart wish of mine, and I've been granted it. Thank you, Jesus.
Things are going fine, and I'm just finding that I'm in a space right now where I really don't want to spend the next 7 months talking about having a baby. Sorry about that, everyone. So I've been vacant on facebook, and quiet on here, because I'm just sorting out in my head what I do want to talk about, and write about, and how this all works now. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with cataloging your year and how things all go, in fact that's beautiful - what a lovely thing to look back on one day - but for me, right now, it's not where I'm at. I've been trying to work this all out in my head, and I've come to a few conclusions, none of which are meant to offend or upset anyone or make anyone have to agree with me or do what I do - this just where I am at in my life and what is going to work for me, to keep me healthy and safe and happy.

1. True friendship is more than just clicking the "like" button.
   I find myself hungry for face-to-face-ness. I enjoy facebook and twitter usually, have found some incredibly inspirational things on these sites, made new and stronger friendships, had funny conversations etcetera, etcetera. But to be honest, I've also lost friends from this side of life. People who aren't online tend to get forgotten or left out; we see sides of people sometimes that aren't that nice; and when others use those sites as a diary or journal of their pain, it is incredibly hard for an ENFP/Pastoral person like me to disconnect from that and not worry and wonder about what I should do, what do they want, what did they mean by that? Now that I know, is it my responsibility to act? But they told 400 other people too, so maybe it's not my problem... Hello, emotional turmoil. Add pregnancy hormones to this and online is just not a nice place to live my life. I'm trying to come up with positive solutions though, especially for staying in touch with special friends from out of town. I may start using this blog more, and using it differently, so that people who are interested can engage but those who aren't don't need to read it. Watch this space.
   
2. I'm more than just a pregnant woman.
   
   I don't want to alienate anyone, especially not those who I love and care about. Not everyone is lucky enough to have babies, or even be married (though this isn't for everyone and I'm not suggesting that those two things complete your life), and I just want to make sure that I write (or type) with intention, letting people know things of general interest or amusement, but not overloading anyone with too many details of what might be great for me but a cause of heartbreak for someone else. Perhaps pregnancy hormones make you paranoid too, but regardless - that's why I'm writing less. If you'd like to know how I'm going, feel free to pop over! I also have a huge variety of things I love and am passionate about and busy with, and the less time I spend online the more time I have for doing those things and also resting. I want to move forward in who I am, and it doesn't always help me to hear too many people's opinions about what I should or shouldn't do. It's good to care, but caring is more than typing words. Caring for me, is being in one anothers lives, in their homes, and getting to know them for real. And it's respecting each others limits. I have great friends, this isn't a dig at anyone, it's a reminder for me also and it's me putting in boundaries in my life (yes, I'm attempting to read the book for the second time!)
   
3. What is in your life that breeds dissatisfaction?
   
   Sarah Bessey wrote a cool post recently about Pinterest, one of my most favorite things online to do, and it was a timely reminder to me to be careful about where we extend our energy. Pinterest is an online pin board, where you have different categories, or "Boards", like Style, My home, Kids, Clothes I love. Then when you're browsing the internet you can "Pin" things to these boards, so that they're all in the one place and you can refer to them later. I adore it. I have found so many things I love there. But Sarah made a great point, well many great points actually: "Whether it’s through fashion or art, technological gadgets, music, books, paint colours, vintage furniture, homeschool hacks, craft and so on, we think that if we have it, we are buying or pinning the lifestyle that it represents, the lifestyle that I wish was mine, the person I wish that I was." I need to be extra careful when I'm in times of pressure or stress, or even just change, in my life, not to withdraw to the point that I live one life inside my head - a life where those pressures and stresses don't exist because x,y and z are different - and another life in reality, where I'm spending so much time either online or daydreaming or moping and in the meantime I'm missing out, I'm missing the moments with the people I desperately love and wouldn't trade in one second, not one, not ever. Seeing comments on facebook between husbands and wives or boyfriends and girlfriends, seeing social events I didn't go to, seeing weight loss updates or any other manner of innocent things can breed a dissatisfaction and "what about me?" mentality which is unnecessary and unhealthy. I read a great book called "One thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp last year, where she kept a gratitude diary of 1000 things she was grateful for in her life, and how that changed her perspective. It's a beautiful book and a beautiful idea, and something that I think would be far healthier to put energy into. Spending time looking around my real life, noting the gifts I'm being given in every minute, is something that could be so great to do, especially because I do have an amazing life that I am so grateful for. I'm trying to be very intentional about what I look at and what I read, and hopefully writing this post will reinforce that in me - now that I've said it, I have to do it, if you know what I mean. We live in a world where everything everyone does is at our fingertips - friends, strangers and celebrities alike - but what are our off-screen lives like? It's amazing how free I can feel when I unplug. I see the moments I could have missed with my children, with my husband, I read books and get outside and pray more. So I'm working out good ways to do this while still staying connected to the parts of life which do function well online - like events and encouragement, news that needs to be spread, inspiring articles to read and issues to talk about. This is just for me, for this season, if it inspires you that's really cool but please don't take it on board as me disapproving of online social media because it is like anything, not good or bad in itself but can become either depending on how it's used.
   
   That's my ten cents, for what it's worth. Hopefully I'll write more, shorter posts, from now on and this blog will start to find it's feet and have more of an identity. Or who knows, I might hardly write at all. I just need to stay true to myself and be there for my family, and anything extra to that at the moment is just a bonus.
   Lots of love to you all!
   Sarah xx