Stuff that is inspiring me at the moment

I am feeling happy tonight, so I am going to share the things that are making me feel happy. Because, shucks, let's make the most of it aye?
Firstly some lovely magazines. Arriving in the mail today was my issue of Mollie Makes and it was as good as I'd hoped! It's nice when high expectations are deserved.

There are so many pages of inspiring crafty yumminess, that I can't believe they manage to do this every month.

And I am so making my own grassy green lawn for my desk:

And I bought Jamie magazine at the supermarket yesterday too. The frozen yoghurt layer cake on the front looks amazing and I am definitely going to try it for summer barbeques with friends.

There is a fun article on picnic food with some very cool kids costumes made from cardboard:

I'm still totally obsessed and addicted to PInterest too. For anyone who hasn't discovered its joy yet, it is an online pinboard or scrapbook of sorts. You create categories, and organise all the inspiring images you find in life and on the net. You can take pictures from the app on your phone while you're out and about, you can use it's "pin" tool when you're surfing the net, and you can just look at everyone elses boards and repin their pins too. Here are some of my favourites from my boards:

Plus some beautiful garden ideas and interior design inspiration:

And cute stuff for the kids!

I've been following Elizabeth Esther on twitter, but only just finally got around to reading her blog and have had such a good giggle this afternoon. She kept mentioning her personality type (ENFP) and I got extremely curious, so took an online test. Surprise, surprise, I am an ENFP too. No wonder I identified so much with her posts, in particular "How an ENFP cleans house" and "I'm a slacker for Jesus".
And I'm loving watching Nigella Bites on TV on tuesday nights. I love her style. And I'm loving how young she is! Which isn't some kind of ageist comment, I love her most recent stuff too, but still - it's entertaining.

And to end on a more serious note, in the weekend I went to a seminar here in Wanganui with guest speaker Letitia Shelton. Letitia is the CEO of City Women in Toowoomba, Australia, an organisation that is having an incredible impact on their city. She describes part of her job as "lighting fires underneath Christians" and that is what she did. For those of us who attended it was a radical wake-up call. She was blunt yet hilarious, depressing yet incredibly uplifting at the same time. Some of the points that have hit home for me the most are:

• The girls in your city are your daughters, and you need to think of them as such - fight for them, believe in them, love them, risk everything for them.
• The sex slave trade doesn't just exist overseas in countries like Cambodia and Africa, it exists here in our countries with magazines like Cosmopolitan that are ensuring our girls grow up believing they are only valuable for what they can do for men, what they look like, how sexy they are, and how thin they are. People of faith need to stand up and fight this rubbish.
• We need to stop trying to get people into our churches and instead we need to take church out to the people.
• You can be a pastor of your city not just a pastor of a church.
• We need each other. Different denominations must come together, different ages must work together. A city in trouble needs a city wide ministry, one church cannot do it alone. We have so much to offer each other. 
• Courage. Do it afraid. The church has been breeding nice women - we've become like robots, like the Stepford wives! There needs to be more dangerous women in the church - women like Rahab, Esther, Deborah. Take risks, speak up, FIGHT. And hooray, she found the quote I mentioned in my post about sisterhood, which is from Matthew Arnold:

"If ever there comes a time when the women of the world come together purely and simply for the benefit of mankind, it will be a force such as the world has never known."

Don't I believe it. I feel overwhelmed and burdened by what I've heard this weekend. There is so much need. I have so many ideas, and I have no idea where to start. I feel in my heart encouraged and strengthened by the group of women that were there. I know that they feel exactly as I do, and in that knowledge I will sleep soundly (well, as soundly as it is as possible to sleep when there's a wriggly 1 year old next to you).

xx Sarah

Insecurity and accepting who you are... part one.

I talked in my very first blog post about a tendency I have had in the past to people please. I am certainly in a better place with this than I used to be, but every now and then the whole area of "what do they think of me?" rears it's ugly head. I have been feeling quite insecure these last two weeks, this could possibly be for a number of reasons: spiritual attack; I'm stepping out and saying and doing things publicly which is making me feel nervous about potentially being judged; I've been too busy and haven't spent enough time with the Lord either just praying or reading, or listening to a podcast. I thought it could be good to write about this because I know a lot of people struggle with feelings of insecurity and with feeling paranoid about what others think about them - what they say/do/dress like and how they live their lives.
When I use the term "people please" I mean the tendency to make decisions to do or say things based on what we think others would want us to do or say, rather than what we want to do or say, or what God would have us do. I think deep down most of us just want to be loved and accepted. Sometimes it's hard to imagine that we can be those things by just being who we are, so we try to adapt ourselves to suit our situation and the people around us.
I didn't so much pretend to be things I wasn't, I used to just hide. I found it really hard to talk to new people, at church or anywhere really, because I thought so hard about what I was going to say and how they would interpret what I'd said, that I'd sabotaged myself before I'd even begun! I've found nothing kills conversation more than overthinking it. Now I don't believe that we should shoot our mouths off either. But I think that when we are living in tune with Jesus and trying to be who he wants us to be, praying and seeking him, we can trust him to help us to be naturally ourselves when we talk to others.
The times when I have felt the worst about myself have been the times when my view of God has been the most twisted. About 5 years ago on summer holiday I read a book which opened my eyes to where my thinking had gone so wonky. The book is "A stone for a pillow" by I think my most favourite author, Madeleine L'engle. The book is about Jacob. The first chapter talks about how we as the western world have taken a "forensic view of God". Here are some quotes from that chapter:

"Far too often we view God as an angry judge who assumes that we are guilty unless we can placate divine ire and establish our innocence"

"This is not God, not the God of scripture who over and over again shows love for us imperfect creatures, who does not demand that we be good or virtuous before we can be loved. When we stray from God, it is not God's pleasure to punish us. It is God's pleasure to welcome us back, and then throw a party in celebration of our homecoming."

I always felt like I was on trial with God. Constantly measuring myself against some crazy, perfect, unattainable standard which I always fell short of. I was so insanely disappointed in myself, and though I knew in my head about grace, I knew God loved me, it had not clicked through to my heart. I'm thankful now that it has. It took time, it took prayer, it took good people around me. But God got me there. When I think of the Lord now and when I'm in his presence I feel 99% of the time just relaxed, free, at peace. I know he cares for me regardless of how often I read my bible, or study, or whether I said something I didn't mean that hurt someones feelings, or whether I lost my temper at my kids, or I thought about things that weren't healthy for me, or ate way too much chocolate when I wasn't even hungry. He doesn't stand in judgement towards me on those things. But if I want to talk about them and deal with them with him, he's cool with that too. And this is not to say that he isn't Lord, King, Master. The line is a tricky one but I think it pays sometimes not to overthink it. 

So I've been trying, this year in particular, to be a bit more me. I used to be very extroverted and I think that is part of who I am that I lost - the chatty part that laughed alot. I think that God would have me be that person, because that was who I was as a child, and I believe that's part of who I am - because the reasons I wouldn't act that way were full of regret and shame and guilt, and I don't believe that God is about those 3 things. God is love, God is hope, God is peace. But it's hard. I do go home sometimes after being out at church, or a practice, or visiting someone and have the "did I talk too much? why did I say that? I hope they don't think I'm being pushy?!" thoughts. But I need to learn to get past those. I know God has things for me to do. And I will not ever be able to do those things if I hide. Our pastor used a quote (he had said it was from Nelson Mandela, but I found online that this is a common mistake and it is actually from Marianne Williamson) in a sermon a few years back that struck home for me, and I try to remember it when feelings of insecurity arise inside me:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others"

I'm done with playing small. If by being friendly and by being myself I alienate some people, then I will just have to accept that. I know that it's not my heart to hurt or offend. I know that I am just trying to love and welcome people. And over time God will help me grow and mature and perhaps I will get a bit better at saying the right thing and have a few less foot-in-mouth moments. Or maybe I won't. Because the more foot-in-mouth moments I have, the more it keeps me humble and keeps me running back into the arms of my God who is waiting to welcome me.

I think I'm going to leave it there for now, but I think I could be often returning to this subject.

xx Sarah

Friendship and Sisterhood

Today I shared at the mothers group I run at our church, called Flourish, about friendships. I wanted to post it here as well because this topic is weighing heavily on me at the moment. Not necessarily in a bad way, but perhaps because I need to be obedient and "go there" with a topic which others might find uncomfortable. And I feel pretty vulnerable doing so. So here goes! 

Generally as a rule I think friendships are often made around common interests or hobbies. This year has been interesting for me because my closest girlfriend moved to England. The closeness of our friendship is based around a number of factors: I’ve known her for the longest time out of my Wanganui friends – we met a year before we moved here and when we did move here we lived with them for 3 weeks before they bought their house, then we took their flat; our husbands had been casual friends for a good 5 years before that; we were a similar age and at the same stage in life – bought houses at the same time, had babies around the same time; and then the winning combination of a love of food and a love of books meant that it was easy for us to be close. And of course Karen loved to do nothing. I also love to do nothing. I have discovered that my closest friends over the years have also loved to do nothing. I’m a sit on the couch with a cup of tea, read a magazine, have a chat kind of girl. I find it easiest to be friends with people who are the same. Perhaps we sort of gravitate towards each other… a laziness sensor must go off or something! But in terms of friendship it was also a friendship built around the very deepest things. Karen had the courage to call me out at a time when I was hiding behind huge emotional brick walls. She was the only person to notice and the only person who cared enough to say something and because she did, and because I was touched by her thoughtfulness, and God helped me to choose to move forward rather than pull back, we had a very deep friendship based around the biggest secrets of our lives and the deepest spiritual discussions. 

Friendships like that are wonderful. But I don’t think we can expect to get that kind of friendship with anyone and everyone we know. Sometimes we just don’t click with people. Sometimes we have absolutely nothing in common and find we struggle to find anything to talk about. I do believe that when we feel this way however it's important to pray, to ask God to help us learn to love that person and to help us find common ground. But sometimes it’s just more surface than that – we are in a different time of life, a different circle of friends, we don’t live close or our age is vastly different. And this is where I want to talk about Sisterhood.
I don’t have any sisters, I have one brother and we weren’t close until our mid to late teens. So friends have always ended up sort of becoming family to me. My two best friends in high school had two sisters each and I loved being able to make myself at home in their homes and listen to them fight and scrap and feel their hurts and celebrate their joys.
And I think that actually for us as women, especially Christian women, we need Sisters even more than we might need friends.
When I look around just my own church I see a lot of very different yet very beautiful women, all with strengths and stories, and I think, Wow, the things we could do if we would UNITE. There is a quote I read online a while ago but I couldn’t find again, that said something like that if women would unite together towards a cause, Sisterhood would be the most powerful force to shake the earth – and I agree. I know that at a conference recently that some church friends went to (called EquipHer), Lisa Bevere spoke and said that “men compare to spur eachother on, women compare to bring each other down”. And to be honest, I’m getting tired of it. I don’t want to in any way minimise anyones hurt or make light of any issues that exist for anyone at all. But I do think there comes a point in our lives where we need to decide to stop looking sideways and instead look straight ahead.

What I mean by that is this: too often I have been paralysed from doing anything helpful or constructive because I have been insecure and paranoid about what other people think of me – mainly, other women. And I have been listening to a lot of Joyce Meyer's podcasts this year, and have been struck by how often she talks about unforgiveness and grudge holding. The point she makes that when we don’t forgive we only hurt ourselves. More often than not the other person is perfectly fine. We are the ones that are miserable and angry and torn up inside. When we forgive we do it for ourselves, we do it so we can move on, so we can be free.
So I’m making some definitions of a Sister that I think we can learn from in our relationships with eachother. The girls laughed at me this morning - we decided that perhaps this is my concoction of a fantasy ideal of what a sister is, combined with my observations of actual sisters, and my thoughts on what it is to be a spiritual sister.

• If your sister is broke you lend her money if you’ve got it. You cook her meals. You help her out. You let her move in (even if it’s reluctantly).
• A sister might have stolen your boyfriend/clothes/barbie 10 or 20 years ago but you didn’t stop talking to her for her life – you had a big row then you got over it because she’s your sister and you love her.
• A sister is the one you call when you really feel like life is falling apart. You know you can trust her not to report you to the authorities or to tell anyone else.
• A sister will celebrate with you when you succeed, will feel your highs like they’re her own.
• When you ask your sister to pray for you she will, and she will check in again the next day to see how you are.
• You can not see your sister for weeks but when you do again it’s like nothings changed.
• You care if someone hurts your sister, Most of the time you want to hurt them back.
• Other people know NEVER to bad-mouth your sister in front of you, because she is your sister and you will defend her whether she is in the right or not.
• When you hear a rumour about your sister you don’t believe it, you ask her first, or you don’t bother because you know your sister.
• You don’t share your sisters news and feelings with other people because she is your sister and you trust each other.
• When you are hurt your sister is hurt. When you are happy your sister is happy. When you are nervous your sister is nervous for you. 
• Your relationship with your sister may not be perfect. You may not agree with all her choices, her hairstyle, her outfits, or her friends – but when she needs you, you’re there, and she for you.   

We aren’t all going to be best friends. But I believe we need to be sisters. Today in writing this I'm trying to encourage you. Let's find a group of women who we are in community with - be it at a church, a mothers group, in your neighbourhood and start the Sisterhood journey. I'm saying to the beautiful women in my church: I care for you all, I’m here for you, I will pray for you if you ask. It doesn’t matter if we don’t spend a lot of time together, you can know that I will still be your sister. I think that it’s time to speak truth, to put down our defenses, to choose to never speak ill of one another or to tolerate it in others. If there’s deep grievances or issues between us and our girlfriends let’s start the journey towards healing those, for our own sake as much as anyone elses. I need sisters. I need people I can trust. I need companionship. I need help sometimes. 

If women unite, we will be an unstoppable force, and it can start small: in one mothers group, one neighbourhood, one church.

I know I may have stirred up some uncomfortable things today and I'm not asking you to necessarily agree with me on it all, but I do ask you to think on it and to pray on it. For too long women have been known to be petty, cruel and malicious. It’s time to turn that around. We are nurturers, mothers, life givers, servers, encouragers and inspirers (yes I’m making up a word!) We are sisters. Let’s start today. I’m choosing to and I hope that you will choose with me.

xx Sarah

Note: These thoughts are inspired by Idelette and SheLovesMagazine.com and their amazing manifesto.

The end of a sewing frenzy

My epic week of sewing is over. I think it's going to take me a while to want to sit down at the sewing machine again!
My final count was 26 bibs and 37 taggy blankets. I had a few more cut out and ready to get started but needed to just stop. And it was probably a good idea, because Shirley made a joke (I hope) about having to take out her underwear to fit them in her luggage!
Some final photos of my bits and pieces:

It's been tiring and my house is an absolute bomb site. But for the first time in I think, ever, I've actually achieved a goal I set for myself at the start of the year. Maybe I'm finally getting over my rebellion against discipline... No, it's too soon to make that claim.
Shirley thinks there will be enough for every baby in the orphanage to have/use one! It's been really special to be able to send a part of myself over to those children. The team leave about now and I know they would appreciate your prayers. 
So this weekend I need to get my house back in some sort of order, plant a mandarin tree plus some shrubs and strawberry plants I bought at the garden centre this week, and try to make sure my hard working husband has a Fathers day. (This sunday, don't forget! As if TV and mass advertising would ever let you)
And I also need to finish my read for the book club I'm involved in. "Blue like Jazz" by Donald Miller. It was my choice this time and very different from the novels we've usually read, so I'm hoping the others don't hate it. Either way, I do love the book - just need to sit in one place and finish it.
xx Sarah